Peter Brady Part Finale: Moriarty

As the BNU settles in for “the most emotional season finale ever” (according to Chris Harrison), we see a clip of Peter Brady’s mother.  KMu speaks the truth:  “His mom is over it.”

Unfortunately, we are not, as we are once again live watching a live viewing audience watch the bachelor live.  But it is worse:  Tonight, there is going to be a WEDDING on the After the Final Rose (dear baby jesus, we forgot that we have to watch one more hour of this).  And, Neil Lane is there, and Peter Brady’s pastor from Warsaw, and the families of both Lauren LaurEN and Jo Jo.  Who will it be?

ABe:  “This is a lie.  It has to be a lie.”

“And if everything goes right Ben Higgins will be a married man before the night is over.” WHAT?

As we ponder this, ABC flies us back to Sandals resort in Jamaica, where Lauren LaurEN, is causally wandering around in Jorts.  Babies, these shorts are so short they are basically “shos.”   Lauren LaurEN is wearing Junderpants.

But then we see Jo Jo and the entire BNU starts to scream.  Lo, for she is wearing the SAME Junderpants.

Peter Brady is in love with 2 women, both of whom have forgotten their pants, and he doesn’t know how to handle it.  “I’ve told them both that I love them.  And I KNOW that I meant it when I said it, but how am I supposed to get down on one knee and propose to one of them?” he frets.

ABe, eyeing the unopened wine:  “I need a straw.  And a paper bag.”

Peter Brady whisks us off to meet his parents. 
“I love his parents!” says This Author.
“Especially, the dad, right?” says ABe. “Wink.”

We have clearly lost ABe and must soldier through this portion alone.  Blah Blah, Peter Brady reveals to his parents that he is in love with two women, which mom finds “very disturbing.” We love Peter Brady’s mother. 

Soon Peter Brady brings Lauren LaurEN to meet them.  Gentle readers, she is wearing a tank top.  Tied in a knot at the corner of her waist.

When this author was 10 years old, we danced a Grease Medley with our YMCA jazz class, otherwise filled with high school girls.  This was not because we were good, but because it was A Small Town.  Each and every one of us wore silver unitards, legwarmers, and over-sized t-shirts cinched at the waist in knots as we Better Shaped Up (Do Doo Doo) ‘Cause We Needed A Man.   Babies, that was the 80s.  And we at the BNU feel pretty strongly that the knotted t-shirt does not need to make a resurgence, in 2016, any more than a Lady’s Thong needs to ride high above her undercarriage at a St. Patrick’s day street parade.

 In addition to a terrible outfit, Lauren LaurEN brings wine and flowers to Peter Brady’s parents.  She tells them that she is Hopelessly Devoted.  Peter Brady’s Dad says “It’s very obvious how he feels about you.  There’s been a twinkle in his eye. . . “

“WHO WANTS THE BIG CUP?” demands KMu’s five year old.
What?
KMu has simultaneously opened the wine and realized the evils of daylight savings time.

Blah blah, Lauren LaurEN tells Mom that she loves Peter Brady, and that he said it back.  Mom talks about Peter Brady’s intense side, and how it takes a “special person” to get him off that ledge.  And then in a voice over, Mom tells us How We All Feel:

“Life as a way of throwing curve balls at you that you would never even begin to entertain how to handle.  But to talk about Lauren LaurEN as the person who would support him.  I don’t know . . . it’s an emotional thing for a mom. I want to wish him well with the RIGHT person.”

In 1:1 time between Peter Brady and Mom, he starts to annoy us:

PB:  “Unfortunately, I love 2 women.”
Mom:  “I cannot imagine how you are trying to work through that in your mind.”
ABe: “Mom is ON!!”
Mom:  “Do the two women who are left know how you feel?”
PB:  “No.”
Mom:  [grimaces].
PB: “That is my own burden to carry.”

Please. 

Peter Brady declares his heart is “split” as he and Lauren LaurEN exchange “I love yous” and she drives off.

Back we are for date #2 with Jo Jo, who arrives wearing a onesie and carrying some kind of conch shell filled with flowers for the parents.  Notwithstanding the foregoing, we are solidly Team Jo Jo, who confesses nerves to Peter Brady’s parents and tells Dad straight up that Peter Brady is her best friend, that she loves him, and “that there will never be a day he won’t know that” with her.  Oh!  She confesses the same thing to Mom, further telling Mom about how she and Peter Brady have told each other that they love each other.   . . . Aaaaand that she feels “protected and safe” with him, which she has not felt before.

We worry.

We also feel like Mom Knows Best, as she says “that’s interesting . . . Peter Brady says that you are always the one to bring him to a safe, calm place” when together as well.  Mom notices that Jo Jo has the ability to understand what it takes to be in a relationship with Peter Brady, and that “today felt different” than with Lauren LaurEN.

Jo Jo is more direct with Peter Brady:  “Are you at a place where, whomever you pick, a proposal will follow?”
Peter Brady:  “garbage, bullshit, garbage, you know I love you.”
Jo Jo:  “Great, so we are on the same page.”
Jo Jo to the camera:  “I am feeling a million more time as sure about Peter Brady and I.”

Grammar rage.  And also, worry.

After Jo Jo leaves, the parents do a post-mortem.  Lauren LaurEN is “polished” but Jo Jo addressed questions that Dad had before he had a chance to ask them.

Mom wants to know which one Peter Brady is going to “plant his stake with.”
“Is that ‘steak’ or ‘stake,’” says KMu, as she disappears to drag an Unwilling Child to Bedfordshire.

We return briefly to the live viewing audience, where Peter Brady’s pastor is still reading his bible and walking the halls of ABC.  We wonder if he is also burning sage for the demons, but we never find out because Peter Brady wants us to care about his last date with Lauren LaurEN, on a catamaran. 

As Lauren LaurEN steps onto the boat, we gasp.

“Are those MUD FLAPS?” demands This Author.
“Those are the pockets, KLo.” Advises ABe.   “Because the shorts are shorter than the pockets.” 

Soon they are kissing, and she wants to know what he is thinking about because he hasn’t slept and is clearly distracted.  “You’re beautiful” says Peter Brady in response.  We hiss.

After a lot of “I love you with my whole heart” nonsense on a towel, the basic issue is this: everything is “perfect” and “easy” with Lauren LaurEN, but they haven’t been “tested” yet.  So Peter Brady doesn’t know how things will go if they hit a bump in the road.  But he DOES with Jo Jo, so.

As the evening, Lauren LaurEN puts on makeup for her Final Hours with Peter Brady.  She feels “defeated.”
More importantly, “That’s a weave, you can tell.” Says ABe.

Lauren LaurEN feels “emotional,” and we try to care because she’s just so. . . generic.  She tells Peter Brady that she is “like, ready to spend my life with you” and Peter Brady gives a big speech which begins “no matter what happens, you’ve made me a better person, you’ve made this worth it.”  Could it be Curtains for Lauren LaurEN? 

There are some more tears before we leave for Last Supper #2 with Jo Jo.  We see Jo Jo waiting to be picked up on the side of the road, as Peter Brady declares that she is “fun, and exciting!” 

But then our hope for Jo Jo is lost in a ball of fury as ABC gives us a clip of the second black person on this season, the “Crazy Jamaican” randomly yelling welcomes at the car.  ABe, channeling dates of Bachelor past, says “I hope they go to see a magic black person that will tell them their fortunes.”

Alas, they do not.  Instead, Peter Brady takes Jo Jo to a swimming hole,  where she earns our respect by forcing Peter Brady directly to talk about where their lives would go if they end up together in the end, and also, what exactly is this business about him being in love with two people.   

After he hems and haws, Jo Jo concludes, “Ok, we are clearly not on the same page. I love him so much I don’t want to lose him.  I hope I don’t end up looking like a fool.” Oh dear.

And then it’s the evening.  And Jo Jo is wearing. . . we don’t know what is going on here.  It’s like another onesie, only it is backless, and nearly frontless.   We hold our breath, on her behalf.

But Jo Jo, like her outfit, plunges onward.  “I feel like our relationship is perfect. So I can’t even understand why there is a problem. “What is it about us that you struggle with? “  Him:  “This isn’t going to help, but I don’t have any issue.  I wish I could.”  And also, “What I’m feeling for you is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.”  AND ALSO, “You are my best friend.” 

Jo Jo hauls him into the bathroom.

Where this occurs:

PB:  “I am being as open as I can.  And I love you, and what I’m telling you is exactly how I’m feeling.”
Jo Jo:  “But you love her too?”
PB:  “Yes.”
Jo Jo:  “And you said that to her?”
PB:  “Yes.”

We can feel Jo Jo’s brothers cracking their knuckles from across the miles and we silently step aside for them.

Jo Jo is too good for this show.  We feel bad for her as she cries on the sofa about how she wants someone to love her like she loves them, and to be the ONLY one that person loves.

Now we are extremely annoyed at Peter Brady. . . who is visiting Neil Lane to pick out what is possibly they most horribly gaudy engagement ring ever created.   And *surprise* suddenly the clouds are cleared, as he tells Neil that “I love two women, but I’m really ‘fully in love’ with one of them.” WHAT?  Come on.

We are suffering from emotional whiplash as everyone abruptly begins to getting dressed for the final rose ceremony.  Lauren LaurEN is in blue.  And Jo Jo is wearing. . .

“It’s like a quinceanera and a wedding dress had a baby.” concludes KMu.

Suddenly the women are choppering over to the final rose ceremony and we are Eating Our Feelings about which one is going to get out of the helicopter first (A Sure Sign she will be Toast).

Me:  “Ooo, I’m so stressful.  I mean stressed out.”
KMu:  “No no, you had it right the first time.”

And it’s Jo Jo. NOOOO. 

Except not only is Jo Jo first, but to get to Peter Brady, she must walk down some stairs, and through a tree stand, and over a bridge, and down a plank.

  “They are making her do like a 5K to get to the place.” Says KMu.  
ABe, for All Of Us:  “This is brutal.” 

And then we feel sad and horrible, because Jo Jo launches into this lovely speech about how she loves Peter Brady.  And he lets her finish the Whole. Damn. Thing.  Before he finally says, “I, uh. . .” and we hate him.  Gentle readers, he “found love with” Jo Jo, but he “found it with someone else more.”

“I can’t believe any of this,” says Jo Jo under her breath.

Neither can we, as Peter Brady insists that “in another world, I would still be with you!”   Jo Jo cries as she leaves, and we cry with her.  But Girl, that was graceful.

Now Peter Brady is trying to make us feel better about The Big Dump by telling us that “there is no reason to say goodbye to Jo Jo, except that I love Lauren LaurEN with all my heart.”

“All of it, or just the parts that didn’t love Jo Jo?” asks KMu, for All Of Us.

Suddenly Peter Moriarty Brady is giddy, and smiling, and calling Lauren LaurEN’s father to ask for her hand in marriage.  We at the BNU are upset. Lo, for we completely do not care about him and Lauren LaurEN, who is climbing out of the helicopter with her weave and her tiny little teeth.

They give speeches.  He proposes, she says yes.  They talk about how lucky they each are.   He gives her the final rose. He carries her to the helicopter.  They are Dead TO Us.

After The Final Rose starts next.

Moriarty Brady is happy.  He wants to “show off” Lauren LaurEN.  But first he must face Jo Jo.

Jo Jo appears on stage, in a boob slit dress situation.  This Author concludes that if we were to wear this dress, it would be more like a stomach slit dress.  Or as the youths call it, a “crop top.”  It’s a bitch to get old, gentle readers.  At any rate, we cannot look away from basically the prison door window that is her top.

Jo Jo is basically everything that is classy, which means that she and Peter Brady do not talk about anything of substance while she simultaneously shows us How It Is Done in Texas.

And then we learn she is the next Bachelorette.  YAYAYYAYAYAY.   Which starts May 23.  NOOOOOOO.

So then Lauren LaurEN comes out in possibly the worst lace dress ever, and we learn that she is moving to Denver in a few weeks, and that the families have talked, and that everyone is in love.  We are not listening because KMu’s eagle eyes have caught RICKY SHROEDER IN THE AUDIENCE.

We love him and his silver spoons.

 This show ends with 20 minutes of filler, as Chris Harrison tries to get Moriarty to marry Lauren LaurEN on air, which of course backfires.  Instead, he re-proposes to her and then the entire family stands on stage awkwardly until 11 pm.  

 

So this is it, Babies.  We get eight weeks off, and then we must Begin This Grind again on May 23.  At least it is for Jo Jo, whom we now love.  And for you, Gentle Readership.

Peace,

-KLo

Peter Brady Part 9: This Is Not Going To End Well

The scene:  This author wrapped in a blanket, perched miserably on the very bottom edge of the bed watching the Bachelor through the modern day equivalent of bunny ears:  A web tv hook up, complete with antenna.   Which keeps shorting out every time this author moves.

The plague is a terrible thing, but we are pretty sure we did not miss anything when we finally get our antenna in the right location (husband waving it by window).  Peter Brady is in Jamaica, while through voice over, he holds each woman up to the lamp and says what he loves about them and/or what gives him pause.   To summarize, blah blah Caila, but Lauren LaurEN was love at first sight, and then Jo Jo’s brothers were awful.

As this is happening, we see Peter Brady pacing the beach, and then Climbing A Ruin in a Salmon Linen Shirt of Rage.  Caila is walking a pier In Quiet Contemplation like at the start of this Author’s New Years Resolution Yoga video, which we have yet to do in this New Year.  She looks, at any moment, like she is going to advise This Author to take a deep, cleansing breath and then throw her leg behind her ear. 

Meanwhile, Lauren LaurEN is in drinking coffee in a silken teal bathrobe.  Our tiniest niecelet will depict this for you, Gentle Readers:  

Out of the mouth of babes.  Or other parts.

Finally, we see Jo Jo in a salmon silk bathrobe of rage with Random Lace Should Cutouts. WTF.

Off we go to date #1 with Caila, who is wearing this:  

Just in case you all cannot tell from this Work of Art, Caila is wearing The Smallest Jeans Shorts Ever and a basically a Sports Bra.  Like, the only thing standing between this top and a sports bra is the fact that this top is a halter.  We cannot believe this outfit, or that it can possibly be comfortable and will not result in giant, welty mosquito bites in Awkward Places as they ride through the jungle on a wooden raft driven by a large, elderly POC.  We become horrified, on multiple levels.  As we look at Caila, we whisper:  "What's the use you learning to [wear clothes,] when it's troublesome to [wear clothes] and ain't no trouble to [not wear clothes], and the wages is just the same?"

Peter Brady and Caila are awkward as this poor man, who we shall call “Jim,” steers them to the “Jerk Center” for lunch.  Ha Ha, and also, where is Chris Harrison?  As they eat jerk chicken out of a banana leaf and drink coconut water, Caila confesses that she wants to enjoy the moment but cannot get past the idea of two other women being there.  We cannot get past the halter sports bra situation.

At dinner, Caila trades up for a dress made of black lace tanga pants, on the bottoms and the tops.  She throws herself on Peter Brady as he worries about how she wasn’t bubbly that morning, you know, like he was used to.  Really?  She confesses that she was “off” because she is falling in love with him.  He smiles pleasantly.

 We nervously drink tea At The Pace off Wine as Caila is now on a roll:
“I know I am where I am supposed to be when we take a deep breath together!” says she.
What?
Caila continues:  “No man has ever made me feel this way before!”

Suddenly they are in swimsuits (Cailas’ is just string.  Everywhere.) and then making out in the fantasy suite and Caila literally is not wearing bottoms. 

End scene.

We wake up in the morning with Caila and Peter Brady, drinking coffee.  She declares that her love for him will keep “blooming after the final rose” and we eliminate her on that basis.

Off we go to date #2 with Lauren LaurEN.  Basically, Lauren LaurEN is wearing the Caila’s jeans shorts and a variation of her top:

As we begin to become enraged at this outfit, we freeze at A Very Sobering Realization.  Babies, this Author once wore an identical outfit (to Caila’s, no less) to just, you know, hang out when we were about 20 years old.   And also, Jello Wrestle.  Please be advised that if this Author did not believe Anonymity is Best for All Involved with this Blog, we would post the photo to prove it.

Now we are ashamed because we are awash with memory from the days when we did not understand the use of high waisted tops and Comfort Elastic.  And we forgive Caila a little for dressing like she cannot decide between summer yardwork and the gym.  We do not, however, forgive Lauren LaurEN because her shorts are cut so aggressively upwards that we fear we may see Ladybit at any moment.

So Peter Brady is taking Lauren LaurEN to a sea turtle habitat at Gibralter beach.  We meet an elderly scientist with the fluffy hair, who explains the history of his sea turtle studies and we love him for going on this show to preserve The Earths.  Peter Brady and Lauren LaurEN are going to release a nest of baby sea turtles towards the sea.

“This is one of my dreams, to be part of something like this!” says Lauren LaurEN.

So. . . what This Author is hearing is that you have nonspecific dreams to be part of some nonspecific thing that makes you feel good and also, is not too hard or gross.  Do we have that right, Lauren LaurEN?

We feel like a baby sea turtle, desperately crawling away from Lauren LaurEN and Peter Brady as she declares that she hopes their relationship, like a sea turtle, will last 100 years.  And then this happens:

Peter Brady:  “You’re so sweet, and sensitive, and smart!”
Lauren LaurEN:  I’m glad you are saying those things, because that’s what I think of YOU!”

Though the Vomits are not part of this Author’s Plague, we vomit nonetheless.   

Somehow, they end up in the water.  We are fascinated by Lauren LaurEN’s swimsuit, which has at least 20 more strings on the sides than Caila’s.   Basically, it would be a Playdo Fun Factory Hair Salon Situation if this Author wore Lauren LaurEN’s swimsuit.  Or a cheese grater.  Or an apple de-corer World of No.

ANYWAY, soon we are done in the water, and Peter Brady has taken Lauren LaurEN to eat at “Miss T’s” where a man gently sings reggae (“I am in love with you laaaaayydayyy.”).  Lauren LaurEN looks at Peter Brady in a knowing way, but we are no longer listening because she is wearing a salmon body stocking, sliced through the middle in a brief homage to a top and bottoms.   We do not understand how anyone could eat in this outfit. 

Lauren LaurEN confesses that she is scared because she is “very invested” in Peter Brady and fishes for how he is feeling.  He wants to “know her fears, and what I’ve done wrong” he says.  Oh, nothing!  Lo, for she is “legit, the man of my dreams.”   As they whisk off to the fantasy suit, Lauren LaurEN confesses, again, that he is the “man of my dreams.” Peter Brady “makes me feel a way I didn’t even know I could feel.”  And that she loves him.  And then this happens:

Peter Brady:  “I love you too.”

HOLY.  SHITBALLS.

 And then he says it again.  Lauren LaurEN is all aglow: “I didn’t think someone like you existed.”  And then he keeps telling her he loves her and THIS IS TERRIBLE shut up shut up shut up.

In the morning, they vow to be unfiltered in their feelings going forward (GOING FORWARD???) and, just in case Peter Brady could not make more of a mess of things, he tells her he loves her again.

And then later:  “Telling Lauren LaurEN that I love her. . . . complicates things.”  Really?  REALLY?

We are feeling pretty bad for Jo Jo as we go into Date #3.  We know that you will all be surprised because this is Totally New and Unexpected Information, but Jo Jo is wearing this:

Yes, those are Caila’s shorts.

Peter Brady takes Jo Jo to a waterfall, which she declares is “the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, like, ever!” and she puts on some more lace and string so they can go swimming.  And jump off a rock.  And then kiss on said rock.  Jo Jo confesses to Peter Brady that she loves him, and he says ‘JO JO, I LOVE YOU TOO. I DO.”

Peter Brady, you suck.

Now we become worried for multiple reasons. Aside from the obvious, Jo Jo begins talking to the camera about how she needs to feel “safe” and have words of affirmation, and how he has given her those words and feeling.   While Mr. Obvious tries to justify what he has just done:  “I don’t know how you can be in love with two women, but I am.”

We are quite possibly heading towards a sister wives situation. 

 At dinner, we are impressed that Jo Jo is actually wearing a sundress that seems to have more cloth than any of the prior womens’ outfits on this episode if they were sewn together into a quilt.  As he greets Jo Jo like nothing whatsoever is about to hit the fan, Peter Brady confesses to All of Us that he is “in a state of shock” for telling two women he loves them.   Jo Jo, for her part, confesses that he has “exceeded all of my expectations” and again, makes her feel “safe”.

We feel bad for Jo Jo because, you know, things have happened in a woman’s life for her to repeatedly articulate that the most important thing she feel with a partner is safe.   But we also start to get worried every time she repeats that she needs “words of affirmation.”

Blah blah they talk about her brothers being awful but not wanting their baby sister’s heart broken, and then this Viewer’s web television freezes and also, entire computer screen.  But that’s ok because this is probably what happens:  He tells her he loves her, they go to the fantasy suite, and then someone turns a light off, implying The Hanky is occurring.

In the morning, Peter Brady and Jo Jo sit in bed together and talk about how “cute” the other is.
You are. 
No YOU are.

He says it was one of the best nights of his life.

The next day is apparently supposed to be with everyone by themselves.  But Caila has the excellent idea to find Peter Brady and tell him everything that she feels.  We cannot possibly imagine what producer could have put THAT idea in her head.

As Caila trips over to Peter Brady and surprises him sitting awkwardly in a chair, we start to feel the highly produced nature of this show.  Basically, Peter Brady acts surprised, and then takes Caila to a random stone staircase and gives her the big Dump:  “I can’t say I love you back.”

And then Caila, for all her youth and annoyingness, becomes Our Home Girl.  She is crying as Peter Brady walks her to the car and tells her he’s “really going to miss her,” (because REALLY?), and she is crying as she gets into the car.  And then she gets OUT OF THE CAR and is like “wait a minute, I need some answers and this is probably my only opportunity.”  So she starts asking Peter Brady about when he knew this was going to be the outcome (simultaneously saying “actually, maybe I DON”T really need to know this because it might not help” which is exactly what this Author would probably do/realize in this situation).

Basically, Caila gets her answer and then cries in the car over her heartbreak, and the fact that she was genuinely ready to be with Peter Brady and make a life of it.

“I hope I didn’t make a mistake,” says he.

We don’t think he did, and we are certainly happy for Caila that she can have a few more years to grow the brave lady we just saw at the end.  But before we have time to think about it, we get to the rose ceremony.  And once again, the production is too forced:  Both Jo Jo and Lauren LaurEN approach Chris Harrison and volunteer identical stories about how Peter Brady said he loved them, and then they pick their way down the stairs to receive roses.

“Here’s to falling in love,” toasts someone afterwards, as both Caila and Jo Jo wonder if Peter Brady has said he loves the other one, too.

This is not going to end well.

So babies, next week this Author will be Europe.  But fortunately, it is just the Women Tell All, which will likely be awful and terrible.  We may/may not blog if we are permitted to watch the American ABCs in the Europe.  But the entire BNU will be back for the finale, in two weeks.

Larvea,

KLo