Pringles Part 4: Foolish Hearts

Yawn.  Pringles Part 4 begins with Chris Harrison (again) talking to the “ladies” in their “I-wear-a-ton-of-slap-to-look-freshfaced-and-like-I-just-woke-up” living room attire (again).  “Well,” says he, “there are 13 of you left.  It seems like everything is going very . . . . [insert evil laugh] VERY well here.”  We are a little terrified.   As this is happening, Pringles is naked (again), and putting on some pants.  Good lord, he is like a hairless kitty.

So the Harrison drops date card #1 off, and it is for Groaning Selma:  “Let’s turn up the heat.”   Selma is so excited that she changes from one set of spandex into another set of spandex.  “I can’t wait to finally get to open up to him, and show him the real me . . . I want to take it to the next level, and the next level, and then have babies!!!”  While this can only mean Bad Things, Selma’s joy is also causing Poker Face to break down. Crying, she tells the camera that she really wanted a date.  Oh Poker Face, this is not something that you want like coffee or a different job or a new romance novel.  Run away, Poker Face.  Run. Away.

Pringles eventually picks up Selma for their date. “Oh thank god,” we think to ourselves, “he is not wearing a dayglo v-neck tank top.” And then we see his salmon pants.  We hate these pants.  But Selma doesn’t care because he’s picked her up in a limo, and then a private plane (which may be driven by Jake.  Did you know he is a pilot?), and she is wondering if all the rest of her dates will be like this:  "Like, I feel like I'm dreaming right now.  I don't even know if this is real.  It's just beyond anything I've ever imagined.  This definitively meets . . . exceeds. . . my expectations. . . . I feel like a princess in a castle."

ABe, writing in from BNU headquarters, e-mutters, “because no one on the show's ever said anything like THAT before."  

But we are distracted by the fact that Selma has now cut herself in half in order to drape her ample ribcage across Pringles’ lap, and is asking Pringles if he can handle “all 110 pounds of” her while the Bachelor’s Camera Man has a love affair with her blood red talons.  Yet even as we are wondering why ABC keeps showing us Selma’s nails, Pringles is taking Groaning Selma out into the desert to die.  Okay, so it is Joshua Tree National Park.  But now, NOW, babies, Selma says she “doesn’t do well with heat.”  She gets “frustrated” and feels “puffy.”  Heat makes this viewer’s thighs rub together like two pigs in a blanket, but tomato tomahto. 

 KMu: "I just realized that Selma is Princess Jasmine.  A whole new woooooorld..."
ABe: "Don't you dare close your eyes!"

Pringles announces that they are about to take a magic carpet ride up some bigass rock, and Princess Jasmine looks like she just had a rat shoved up her nose.  She hates heights.  She gets paranoid and unhappy. But then something happens:  As Princess is clawing her way towards the top of a rock, it is not our Sweet Baby Jesus and/or Fear of Falling To Death that gives her strength.  No, it is He [Pringles].  He gives her “adrenaline” and “courage” and she basically Makes That Rock Her Bitch.  Pringles is now feeling a little threatened because he has been left in the dust by an unathletic pint-sized Arabic woman with a preference for 6-inch heels.  While we have respect for GS for her made clawing skills, we can’t but help feel that Pringles was off the mark when he says that she loved everything about this date.  Being game does not enjoyment make, big P.

So off they go to dinner, in an abandoned Irish Travelers camp.  We secretly hope some 15-year-old girl in a corset and mini-skirt is going to pop out from behind an RV and start grinding against them before describing her perfect wedding dress.  ANYWAY,  now surrounded by mini-campers designed as “themes” (like “Fifi”), Pringles and the Princess cuddle on a futon and drink.  Her favorite part of the day?  Being with him.  Why he is still single? His one year relationship post-college wasn’t with the right person. He wants to kiss her, her “eyes are begging” him to kiss her, and then this happens:  “I come from a very conservative, strict home.  My mother would die if I kissed you on national television.”  Oh. A few awkward cuddles and MORE images of her talons later, and Princess Jasmine gets the rose.

Meawhile, Date Card #2 has arrived at the Ladies’ House of Shame.  “I am looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.”  Ooooo.  This card is for The General’s Daughter, the First Lady, Jackie, Hillshire, Amanda Knox, PK, Squints, and Tierra Firma.   T looks like she’s gonna cutta bitch.

One hard edit later and we are all running towards the limos in our workout gear and breathlessly wondering what possibly could this date be about??  A. Knox tells the other women that this is her third group date, so just follow her lead.  The General’s Daughter wonders if rolling with the punches means rolling in a hamster ball.  We secretly wish that it was rolling with the cheeses, but sadly know that it is roller derby.  While Le Derby may well be this viewer’s personal  favorite sport, we are not excited about watching a bunch of chickies dressed up like Susan G. Komen breast cancer survivor ribbons pretend to be competitive.  Which is exactly what we get.

So Squints feels like this is her time to shine, to be strong and show who she is.  We wish she would simply shine instead of noting that it is her time to do so.  But Squints isn’t listening to our internal monologue because now she is prosing on about how she doesn’t think that having one arm is going to hold her back.

“Wait, Squints only has one arm?” asks ABe. 

And now we are in a warehouse.   PK is terrified because she is a “girly girl” who is “not adventurous.”  Well, color her eliminated down the road.  As an extra welcomes them all into the “wonderful world of rollerderby,” Pringles giggles about how fun this is going to be because the women are all so “sweet.”   We think Pringles is on crack cocaine.   But maybe not, as he then states that A.Knox and Tierra (who  wants to “knock some beyotches”) will be the most aggressive.  A. Knox shoots a Colgate smile his way, and we shiver a little. Her evil genius tells the other team that she has done roller derby before, even though she has not. Ooooo.

Blah blah everyone falls on their butts, and Squints melts down because Le Derby is both “emotionally and physically hard.”  KMu, from across the miles, pronounces that while Squints’ voice does her no favors, we hate this show for putting a one-armed girl in a roller-derby competition effectively against her will.  The PK talks her up, and Pringles “comforts” her, and then suddenly Squints is no longer the issue because A. Knox fell on her face and may have fractured her jaw!! (she didn’t).   Says the PK, laughing:  “This is getting serious!!!”  headdesk.

Suddenly, Hot Medic is taking A. Knox to the hospital.  Wait a minute. Why isn’t Hot Medic The Bachelor??  We have been ROBBED.  We no longer care that Pringles has converted the Derby Bout into a free skate to the smooth song stylings of “Foolish Hearts.”  Yes, hear this viewer calling.  Stop before, you stop falling, Babies (unless it is for Hot Medic).

Now we’re on a rooftop, and Tierra Firma is wearing formal shorts, stripper hoops in her ears, and high heels.  She is also in a major snit.   As Pringles as 1:1 time with Squints (who is “so embarrassed”) and A. Knox (who did not seriously injure herself but plans to milk it for all its worth), La Firma is slowly working herself up the dial to 11.  
Random woman #1: “Wow, Tierra, you should do Roller Derby when you’re done with this show.  You were really good.”
Tierra:  “NO.”
The First Lady:  “So what happened with A. Knox? “
Tierra: “I must focus on myself and Sean and our connection (everybody drink). “ [which is why she is going to sulk on the sofa.].  “I don’t understand why no one gets that I don’t trust anyone here.  It’s like, so annoying.”

And then as the General’s Daughter is in the midst of exploratory surgery re: Pringles’ tonsils during her own 1:1 time, Tierra Firma goes On The Hunt.  She demands of a production assistant to be let off the show.  She “deserves more than this.  Sean is a great guy, but why should I be tortured every day.  I can’t take all the fakeness of these girls.  I am breaking down inside and holding it all in, but I cannot be TORTURED EVERY DAY.”  Yes babies, tortured.   Tierra Firma is going to Open Up a Can of Geneva Convention Whoop-ass on ABC.   Except before she does that,  she is going to steal Pringles from the General’s Daughter (who is now in her swimsuit as they head to the hot tub) so that she can tell Pringles about the “torture, seriously torture” that she is experiencing because she doesn’t get to go on adventures with him.

 

Pringles, thinking with other parts of his anatomy than the rackety little gumball bouncing around in his skull, tells her he knew it would be hard for her  . .. “because I am so sensitive and so emotional about going after what I want” Tierra breaks in.   Yes, whatever.  And also, he is apparently “crazy’ about her, and to prove it, gives her the ROSE on this date.  Even as the General’s Daughter is abandoned with the other women, in her swimsuit, up on the rooftop deck.  That is Stone. Cold.

And just like that, Date Card #3 has arrived for .. .Poker Face!!!   “Could this be forever?”  it queries. . . . .with two big ol’ diamond earrings.  Uhoh.  It’s the Pretty Woman Date.   And sure enough, “It’s just like pretty woman!” Poker Face squeels.   Yes,  Cinda-f*ckin-Ella.

So we like Poker Face (all of us).  She seems nice, and normal, and even though she may say “holey moley” a lot, seems reasonably smart.   But this is what Makes Us Salty (all of us):  Every time Poker Face gets a new object from Pringles on this “Pretty Woman” date, she’s all “I’ve never been treated so well by a boyfriend in my life!”  And here is our thing:  Poker Face is never going to be happy until she realizes that finding a boyfriend who does not eat all of the chicken out of the chicken and rice, leaving only rice for her, and who chases after her with an umbrella when it is raining, is 10 times more valuable than a pair of Neil Lane diamond earrings she had no choice in selecting and a Badgley Mischka dress that looks like an unwrapped candy bar.  RAGE.

But Poker Face does not hear our screams, as she is now on Rodeo Drive in Beverley Hills, carefully selecting said candybar dress.  “Its every girl’s dream to shop on Rodeo Drive” declares Pringles.  Well, it ain’t This Viewer’s dream, darling.  We are pretty sure that our sense of self would never recover from the trauma of being pantsless and crying in the corner of a dressing room, trying to find something  amidst all the fashion-sized clothing that did not make a normal lady look like Ripples the Hippo.

So Poker Face gets a dress, shoes, and purse to match her earrings.  Then they truck over to Neil Lane’s shop, where Neil Lane just happens to be loitering and just happens to have the perfect ginormous diamond necklace to go with all the candy bar wrapping paper at the top of Poker Face’s dress.  And Poker Face is going on and on about how she’s “never been treated so good before” (RAGE.  And also, GRAMMAR  RAGE), and how this is “just like my favorite movie come to life.” 

At last they are sitting down to dinner on the staircase of the Titanic, and there is an echo.  Into the void, Pringles is asking all manner of question about Poker Face’s relationships and family, and the conversation is flowing, but DA DA DUM: There is no spark.   We secretly think that OF COURSE there is no spark because it is episode 4, and Poker Face is a P.O.C., and everyone knows that the POCs get eliminated by episode four.   But as Pringles tells Poker Face that he cannot give her the rose, we still feel bad for her.  We also think she is taking it like a champ, until she turns around at the last minute before entering the limo and says “but there are girls here Not For The Right Reasons!!”   Badly Done, Poker Face.  Badly. Done.    And just like that, she is gone.

And now it is the rose ceremony.   Tierra Firma is all happy because, while she may have demanded to leave the show two days earlier, she is now “here to win it” and gloating over her rose.   A. Knox looks hungover.   Various 1:1 times happen in which PK confesses feelings “developing fast,” and the First Lady asks if he would like to taste some chocolate.  Okay, we are horrified.  HORRIFIED, even if it is intentionally a cheesy pickup line.   Tierra Firma complains to A. Knox about “taking heat” from the other “girls’ while not “ever doing anything intentionally to hurt them.”   So she calls The First Lady and Jackie out and apologizes to them for “the other night when you attacked me.” Ummmmm, yeah.   Even more unhelpfully, the other women then gossip about the apology while Tierra claims she is being persecuted by the “girls” to Pringles.

We are bored.   And also, we have to hide behind our afghan when Hillshire lets Pringles pull a piece of paper with a lipstick kiss out of her garter and confesses her attraction to him.   Pringles also confesses attraction to her, but there are “four other” girls sitting directly behind them.  Gentle Readers, there are five.  Five Girls. Sigh.  They sneak away to the driveway to share a kiss.

In the end, Pringles picks (to join Princess Jasmine and Tierra Firma with roses):

1.        Hillshire

2.       Desiree Who Should Be Black

3.       The General’s Daughter

4.       The Democrat – affirming that some women should never wear bright red lipstick

5.       The First Lady.  Fittingly, for the first POC to make it to round 5.

6.       PK

7.       Squints

8.       Jackie the makeup lady, aaaand

9.       Drunken Daniella!!!

A. Knox goes home.  We feel bad for her (okay not really). 

Stay tuned for next week, when there are TWO FREAKING EPISODES back to back, Mon and Tues.

 

“KLo just shit herself” whispers ABe.

Pringles Part Time Delay

Babies, This Viewer is away from her sofa doing Grown-Up Things right now (ie, travel for work).  Should you need immediate assistance, please do not dial any numbers, disparage this Viewer, or leave hate mail in the Comments section that will make this Viewer Cry and Regret She Came Out of Retirement To Blog This Stupid Show.  We will blog as soon as we can. 

Pringles Part 3: Seven Minutes in Heaven

Babies, Pringles Part 3 starts on the bowflex, the treadmill, and same damn blue shorts that Pringles has apparently worn for nearly a month now.   We canNOT believe that this manchild goes to the gym without a shirt every day, or that it is really enjoyable to sit on a bowflex with ones sweaty sweaty back pressed up against the pleather seat.  We are simultaneously (a) curious to know if he's ever picked up ringworm, and (b) ashamed for not exercising ourself.  But Pringles doesn't care about our shame; he cares only that he is "really digging a lot of the girls."  Meh. 

So now we're in "the mansion," and Chris Harrison is explaining the rules of the week:   "There are 16 of you still here [wait, really??  OMG, this is never. going. to. end.].  This week there will be one group date and 2 dates that are 1:1.  Use your time wisely."  Aaaaaaaand, the first date card is for La Democrat:  "Let's ditch these bitches and fall in love for real."  

Oh, wait. That was just The First Lady's dream date card.  We know you secretly whisper that to the president every time Congress is in session, but DAMN, girl.  The real date card says "How long will this love last?"  About 3 months sweetheart, if you make it to the end. 

So The Democrat puts herself into a doily and heads out the door.  Let's discuss this dress.  It is nude lace. Someone forgot to sew it closed in the back.  It has frontal stomach pleats.  And also, This Viewer can see The Democrat's snowballs dangling out from underneath the hem when she walks.   Great, the Democrat thinks she's the star of a Prince video circa 1985.  

"Nice handerkerchief," says ABe. 

Pringles is taking Dems her to The Second Worst Place to Go On a Date If it Is Abandoned [Second Only to a Carnival And/Or Back Alley]:  An abandoned Guinness Book of World Records Museum.  

"You know, your television set is in there," remarks KMu. 

And it's TRUE.  This viewer's 1982 Sony, having spontaneously combusted three weeks ago in a violent ball of clicking, flashing rage, appears to have gone to R.I.P. alongside a creepy waxwork of the smallest woman in the world.   But we are ripped away from the novelty of seeing our television on television by Pringles leading the Democrat into a dark dark corner of the building with some pictures on the wall and. .. . 

Pringles:  "My dad. . . likes to do things out of the norm. . .. And by that I mean. . ."

KMu:  "Your Mom."

Pringles: "[yes], and a few years ago, he set a Guinness world record by driving to all 48 contiguous states in 97 hours and 7 minutes." 

Le Democrat:  "Wow.  That is so. Awesome."  [really??? This Viewer is pretty sure Pringles' Dad peed in a pop bottle to make that record, and that is Not Okay].  

Pringles:  "So do you want to set our own Guinness World Record?"

Le Democrat, secret thoughts:  'Yay, now we get to do something REALLY fun." 

Except it's not, because they are going to try to beat the record for Longest On Screen Kiss (3 minutes 16 seconds) in front of a little crowd that has assembled outside the museum, which includes (a) a homeless man, (b) some wanna-be rapper jumping up and down and clapping, (c) a woman in ripped jean shorts, and (d) Chris Harrison in a vest.  Well Babies, we've left Prince circa 1985 and are now in Portland circa 1992. 

La Democrat is pumped, because she works in D.C. but this, gentle readers, THIS is the "coolest thing she's ever done."  Except we don't care because Stuart Clackston, British Person With a Trapper Keeper, is giving the rules.  And we KNOW it's legit now because the Brits are involved:  

"Your lips must, of course, touch through the entire attempt.  Any moment they are separated will invalidate the entire attempt." 

Oh, Mr. Clackston we love you because you accented at us (we love an accent) and also, you know as well as this Viewer that "attempt" is like the best euphemism ever.  

So, they Attempt for like 3 minutes and 17 or whatever seconds.  She is rubbing his hair.  He is pulling up her skirts.  We think back on a frantic email sent by ERo last week about needing eye bleach and vodka to get through this show.  Finally, finally, it ends and they go to an abandoned rooftop on which they can cozy into a couch designed by Georgia O'Keefe.  

"Tell me about growing up," he asks.  We secretly think she turned 10 and then came on this show on her way back from Disney World. 

But no, she also was "in clubs, was a nerd, studied a lot, but the best times were with" The Democrat's Family.  She wants that for herself again, Gentle Readers, but she is So Very Worried That She Will Not Find Her Soul Mate" . . . at 25.  Ok, if this Viewer had Frozen On The Clutch at age 25, we would now be anxiously married to an actor.  Grow a pair of ovaries and learn who you are first, Dems. 

But Pringles likes what she has to say. They Attempt some more, and she gets the rose. 

Meanwhile, Date Card #2 has come for Kacie, The First Lady, Desiree, Leslie the Poker Dealer (a/k/a Poker Face), Janice Dickinson, Groaning Selma, Hillshire, Amanda Knox, Taryn, Drunk Daniella, Jackie, Lindsay the Substitute/General's Daughter, and Tierra Firma.  "Who's going to win my heart?" it reads. Ooooo.  Let's find out. 

Off we go to the beach, where Pringles is wearing, once AGAIN, a dayglo tank top.  As the women stream out of their limos to say hello, we notice that they are all wearing standard issue athletic bikinis, one size too small.  Except Janice Dickinson, who has embellished hers with a bandana (ok, Brett Michaels), and Drunk Daniella, who is wearing a neon pink grapefruit bag overtop.  They are supposedly going to "hang out, play some football, etc."  except None Of Us Believe It.  

Sure enough, Chris Harrison pops up in suit pants and an untucked shirt, and announces that the ladies will be playing beach volleyball For Pringles' Heart.  That's right:  Winning team gets to continue on the date, but losing team has to go home. It's like choose your own adventure. 

Drunken Daniella is all, "This is my WORST NIGHTMARE." 

Taryn is all, "This is the most important game I will EVER PLAY." 

Red team loses, blue team wins, Janice Dickinson starts crying, the losing team is sent home in their sandy bikinis without any other clothes, and we're done. 

Hard edit to the winning team, which is now fully dressed, and by that we mean "marginally covering ladybits."  The General's Daughter is in the midst of 1:1 time, but we are not hearing a word she says because she has a wrestling belt around her neck.  "It's like a whole set of mini-gongs," marvels KMu.  

Oh wait, The General's Daughter wants to be able to look across the room and "give Pringles a look and just know that you know what I mean."   Oh Lindsay, within one year of married life, that "speaking" look will go from "my darling, my heart and soul, what a fabulous inside joke we are sharing in smug silence," to "my darling, my heart and soul, where the f*ck did you put the f*cking tuna." 

Soon she is done, and we are into a series of other 1:1 times.  Pringles is complimenting "Desiree, Who Should Be Black" (so sayeth ABe), on how she "looked good in her little bikini."  And Desiree WSBB is asserting that she is "very spiritual, very emotional, and thinks differently than other people."  She "enjoys the beauty of the day," and that, gentle readers, is why she is "loves life."   Our stock in Desiree WSBB just went down.  We despise a woman who intuits about her own intuitive gifts.   

A. Knox creeps us out a little (all of us) by coming back from her 1:1 time to say that with the events of today, she was "able to really show Pringles a side of her." Desiree WSBB notes, "well, you did kill it at volleyball today," to which A. Knox responds, with scary smile, "Oh, volleyball has nothing to do with it.  NOTHING."  eek.

But 1:1 with Kacie is the biggest train wreck of them all.  Gentle Readers, Kacie tells Pringles that SHE feels as though she has been punched in the face. Why?  Because there is a allegedly a fight brewing between two other women in the house (Desiree WSBB and A. Knox), neither of which is her. 

Pringles, finally putting points on the board for the first time all season, responds, "So why are YOU telling this to me?  Neither of them have complained to me.  What does it have to do with you?" 

And the Great Backpeddle begins: 

--"Well, I don't want to be telling you this either, but if I don't tell you about this fight between two people neither of which is me, it will Come Between You and Me."

-- "Well, I am only Desiree's friend and not A. Knox's friend so clearly I am stuck in the middle of this fight."

--"Well, I don't want to be the one to tell you about it either, but I am stuck in the middle so I have to tell you, you see."

He doesn't see.  He calls her a crazy person, we give a little cheer, and Kacie B flees the scene. 

At the end of the date, Pringles gives a speech about seeing things in people that he hadn't seen before, and gives the General's Daughter the rose.   Oooooo. 

And at last, at LAST, we are on to date #3 with PK.  Tierra reads the date card, making a bad joke that it was the dreaded 2:1 date for both PK and Groaning Selma and WHICH IT WAS NOT.  Squints is offended.  PK and Selma are traumatized.  And the date card reads, "Do you believe in magic??"

So we interrupt this date for a little drama, in which Tierra Firma falls on the stairs right before Pringles is going to pick up PK, and the paramedics are called.  At first, TF is legitimately not responsive and appears confused, but then rebounds and refuses to go with to the hospital. 

"You understand that by removing this collar, it may cause you further injury" helpfully offers a paramedic.
"Having had a few concussions myself, I suspect she has a concussion," comments Pringles. 

OMG, that explains so much. 

But no, Tierra wants to be left alone so that she can canoodle in a cabana with Pringles as he nurses her back to health on the day of his date with PK, while PK waits in the kitchen.  We are not impressed. 

Finally, we are on the last date, with PK.  We secretly think she is too old for Pringles because she is 32 (which is like 115 in Bachelor Dog Years), but we give her an A for effort.  Except, as she walks out of the car and towards An Abandoned Six Flags Great America, we realize that PK is trying up for her age by dressing too youthfully.  In a little girl's Easter dress.  

"Oh my god, she is wearing a giant titty flower," observes KMu.

Yes, babies.  Her dress is white.  It is net, sleeveless, cropped, and is adorned with what would be a charming pattern on the chest of a 4-year-old's pinafore.  But on PK, it is a Huge. Flower Shaped. Pasty.  We have no words.

Pringles announces that they will Not Be Alone on this date, but will instead be joined by two young girls with chronic illnesses who are best friends but have never met because they live in different states and communicate over the interwebs and by phone.  We are a little offended by ABC's continued advocacy of Pringles as the Pied-Piper for the sick, differently shapen, P.O.C.'s, and starving artists.  But, these two girls end up being the best part of this date, as They Are Awesome and make up for the fact that it is so so clear that PK and Pringles have no chemistry. 

A bunch of rides are riden, and stuffed animals won on this date.  We are very bored, only waking up slightly when the Eli Young Band plays, without any introduction from ABC.   ["Please don't let that be train," mutters KMu].  In the end, the girls go home, and PK is left with Pringles.  She tells the story of her adoption, which makes us all cry a little, and ends up getting the rose.   Sadly, we think it was a Respect Rose, and not a Romance Rose.  But she gets it all the same. 

And at last, it is the rose ceremony.  Hillshire, for like the 11th time in two episodes, proclaims that everything is "getting more serious." (everybody drink).  Kacie is wearing the arm of a wetsuit and horsey hair, with an electric lime green ponytail holder matching her electric lime green back zipper.    We HATE horsey hair (all of us).  We also think Kacie could go running in this dress at night and be seen from a distance. 

Pringles surprises Squints with her dog, since she didn't get to go out with him this week. Groaning Selma is wearing a floral tablecloth.  Desiree WSBB is wearing a horrible knee length white cut-out dress that is a weird cross between a wedding dress and a baby sundress, and Tierra Firma is wearing a one-armed black tube sock.   All manner of "women stealing Sean for 1:1 time from each other's 1:1 time" ensues. 

In the end, and to join the Democrat, the General's Daughter, and PK with roses, Pringles picks . . . 

 . . .. oh wait, he just showed Kacie the door. . . . .

1.  Tierra Firma

2.  Poker Face

3.  Hillshire

4.  Drunk Daniella

5.  The First Lady

6. Growling Selma

7.  Squints

8.  Jackie the makeup lady

9.  Amanda Knox, aaaaand.

10.  Desiree Who Should Be Black. 

Taryn and Janice Dickinson go home (plus Kacie, see supra). 

Stay tuned for next week, when the First Lady wants to know if Pringles "wants to taste some chocolate," and there is a ROLLER DERBY.  

Finally, Happy Birthday one day late to our sister, SHa.  This viewer loves you very much.  

- KLo

   

Pringles Part 2: Chicken Little

We kickstart Part 2 with a sunset, a hummingbird, and Pringles on his bowflex.  Followed by a shower.  In which he is filmed. We notice that throughout these scenes, P is wearing the same blue workout shorts As Seen In Episode One.  Could it be that Pringles is a Never Nude?  But P does not seem to care about our questions, as he is shocked and amazed that there are "so many beautiful women, who are also smart!" and also, "if I had to guess, I could honestly say that my wife was in that room" at the last rose ceremony.  We question whether Pringles understands the concepts behind this show.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison has rounded up the cattle at Bachelorette ranch.  We secretly wonder if said ranch is where All Props Go To Die, as one wall is deep green, another is yellow, there is some weird blue tapestry curtain hanging randomly, and a purple backlit contraption beside it, plus reams and reams of lights, unlit candles, vases of fake flowers, and so forth.  This room is like some boutique for Women of a Certain Age, hopefully called "The Duchess' Boudoir" but mainly containing sweaters with cats on them, velvet-covered lamps, and drink napkins that say "when I am old, I shall wear purple." But Chris doesn't care because he's handing out the first date card.

It's for Squints!! "Are you ready to fall in love?"

Squints trades her black tank top for a red tank top, loads on the eyeliner, and soon Pringles is picking her up in a helicopter and one of his signature V-Neck purple t-shirts.  As he disembarks, the First Lady declares that she wants to "eat him alive," so cute he is.  Meh.

So apparently, Pringles picked Squints for this date because she addressed "the elephant in the room" which was being born with one arm.  And what better way to show his appreciation than to make this woman free fall 300 feet off a building?  For we have touched down on a helipad, and Pringles is marching Squints towards the plank.  Except suddenly we don't care, because we have seen the back of Squints' top, and it is NOT a top, but a baby sundress, with a crissy-crossity apron back.  WTF.

The only thing worse than wearing a baby's apron is sounding like one.  And Squints is rapidly grating on us in more ways than one, as KMu darkly mutters about "That Voice," from her corner of the living room.  But soon, Pringles is the "only thing  keeping Squints calm," and he is practicing Being Her Rock, and they are free-falling, and she is screaming and he is "whoo-ing" and then this happens:

Squints:  "This can't be real."

No. Words.  But they have "fallen" and no liquids came out of either end in the process, as far as this viewer can tell.   So it's off to the next thing, which is a 3/4 length black dress and the following story:  It was deeply meaningful for Squints to be able to free fall today because she tried to go zip-lining with her father in Las Vegas, and an employee told her that people with disabilities could not go by state law.  She was mortified, and her father explained that this is why she needs a strong man, to be with her through these situations.  To which Pringles responds:  "Well, I do consider myself a MAN, and a man should protect you."

Ok, let's sit with this for awhile:
1) A person with a perceived impairment cannot zip line in . . . Las Vegas.
2) Sean is a Real Boy!

She gets the rose and concludes that she is already "falling in love" with the Pring.

Meanwhile, back at the house, date card #2 has arrived.  The First Lady, having forgotten her pants, runs out of the house to get it.  It reads:  "Let's capture the romance."  This date is for Janice Dickinson, Amanda the Fit Model, Brooke the community organizer (wow, we didn't think she made it to round two), The Democrat, Daniella, Catherine the graphic designer, The First Lady, Edie Brickell, Selma, Diana, Kacie, and Tierra who graciously concludes that "it sucks to be here because I'm here to meet Sean, not the girls."

 The women are drinking Bellinis as their limo takes them towards their destination. Edie Brickell surfaces from beneath a frizz of curls to worry that she will be overshadowed by stronger personalities.  And we can see what she means, for as the limo pulls up at a huge mansion, Selma breathlessly describes it as a "castle.  And I see a prince.  I'm a princess!!! Here I come!!!"  This viewer realizes that the Disney Channel is like a shrimp farm for the Bachelor franchise.  

Pringles opens the door, and there are lights and a camera and an assistant wearing stretch pants and a giant blueberry colored top.  And ..  . surprise, they are going to be COVER MODELS FOR A HARLEQUINN ROMANCE.    O.M.G.   This viewer's brain just exploded!!

So when this viewer was in law school and living on shoe strings, our Friday night entertainment was a Harlequinn Romance and a mini bottle or two or wine.  But we had standards, babies.  And those standards included No Dumb Names (Esmerelda, Mason Pierce), and No Children ("The Millionaire's Baby").   And with those fundamental principles guiding our selection off the hallowed shelves of the local Wal-Mart, we were able to snort our way through two hours of shit fiction every Friday with a budding dream that one day, if this law thing Did Not Work Out, we, too, could be paid to write Drivel.   This Friday escape eventually expanded to an Annual White Elephant Gift through which we shamelessly took advantage of our sisters' self-imposed requirement to read every book given to them No Matter How Bad, ending only when our sister SHa called us with tears streaming down her face to read a scene in which our heroine made The Sweet Love to our hero on the back of a motorcycle while going through a car wash.   After that, our obsession with The Harlequinn waned.  But To This Day, Babies, the volume and quality of romance novels read by this viewer remain a direct measure of this viewer's emotional state.

But we digress.

So the "ladies" are all excited because the winner of this particular challenge gets a three-cover book deal with Harlequinn.  We are pretty sure that Janice Dickinson just unhinged her jaw at the news.  JD is like "I'm a model, I can do this!!"  We at the BNU are also excited, for it is suddenly the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, with cowgirls! Vampires!! Historical!! and the generic "Sexy!!" cover models.  We could totally do this. Our cover theme would be "Sweatpants Can Be Hot!!"  We would be the Harlequinn For The Masses.

Cowgirls are up to bat first.  Pringles has stripped down to a cowboy hat and a smile, and is leading a horse around the back yard with various women atop and aside it.  This viewers' brain glitches again, as this is suddenly *exactly like* the Rosetta Stone Frenches we are learning.  "Le homme et sa cheval" (the man and his horse). Except Le Homme also has La Democrat, ripping off his shirt and sharing what is supposed to be All Manner of Steamy Kiss.  

Then we are off to the Historical romances, which we think includes Selma, except we really aren't listening because Janice Dickinson is still doing verbal cartwheels "I'm a model!!! This is my Moment!!!" every five seconds across the screen.   We see little of the Historical romances, and even less of the "Sexy" people other than Tierra, who vows to "be aggressive." True to form, she suddenly has her knee somewhere up against Pringles' ear as they slow dance in front of the camera.  But then Janice Dickinson takes over, and of course, wins the challenge.  The first of her romance books, titled "Seduced," will be out as soon as this viewer can write it.  . .

Yet the date is not done, for now we are at the pool for the post-event/end-of-date drink.  La Democrat confesses that she's there for love.  Using a phrase that we hate (all of us), Pringles mutters something about how "we're both really feelin' each other."  He also loves that La Democrat will tell him something, and then skitter away to something "really lighthearted, like the weather."  Clearly,  Pringles is not from Louisiana, the entire East coast, or Joplin, MO.

Meanwhile, Daniella is getting progressively drunk. "zish is NOT ok" she whispers and points in the general direction of La Democrat.  Kacie B doesn't hear her, for she has jumped the hurdle between "friend zone" and girlfriend zone" in her own 1:1 time with Pring.  We don't care, because she is wearing a tiny leather coat and a tiny red coulot romper.  Our hatred of this outfit is only redirected when we hear Catherine the graphic designer confess that she is "Vegan, but I like the beef," *cough*ifyouknowwhatshemeans.   I say Hillshire, you say Farms.   Soon we are on to Selma, who likes the sound of the word "wife," and Tierra, who is wearing a bedazzled Navajo blanket for a dress.

Blah blah in the end, Edie Brickell decides to leave on this date, and Kacie gets the rose.  Tierra wants to "punch" Kacie.

Because this is long enough already, date card #3 has finally arrived, and it is for Desiree:  "Love is Priceless."  Also known as, "The Date In Which Desiree Gets the Short End of the Stick," for Pringles and Chris Harrison are giggling like little girls over their idea to "Punk" Desiree.  Apparently, they will be taking her to an Art Exhibit, in which she will be taken into a side room and shown a Priceless Piece of Art, which will then Shatter, for which she will be blamed.  Fun!

At this moment, we would like to cast a hairy eyeball in the direction of ABe, our very own, and very real-life graphic designer who is also not with us this evening because she forgot that the Bachelor is on Monday night.  Alas, we will never know what ABe may have to say about The Blue Nude Torso or popsicle stick windmill which ABC has assembled as art, though we can be assured it would have been Nothing Good.

So Desiree shows up and takes the news that "Priceless" does NOT mean "jewels you get to go home with" like a champ.  She tries to appreciate the art, appropriately mingles with the fake patrons at the gallery, and is duly shepherded into a side room to see the artist's alleged "masterpiece," called "Poulet en petite."  Babies, it's the Little Chicken.  With a giant red ball for a head.  And it is the "artist's response to the Chernobyl disaster," made out of stained glass collected from churches all around Chernobyl.

Way to go, ABC, if that Poulet were real, you would have just contaminated the whole building.

So the Poulet falls, shatters, and Desiree starts to laugh.  The artist comes in and is "shocked" and demands who will pay for it, and Desiree is still laughing.  We heart Desiree.  In the end, Pringles comes to save her and tell her it is a joke, and then gives her the next surprise:  they are going to his house for dinner!  "Congrats, Desiree," says KMu.  "The others get helicopters and you get Punk'd plus dinner at home."  

This date ends with conversation about their families, and how they are falling for each other, and then finally, in a swimming pool with American Flag swim shorts (him) and an electric purple bikini (her) in which Desiree can still slump and not look unsightly.  She is Dead To Me.
"You've seen every side of me, 100%" concludes Pringles at the end of only one date.
"Well, not 100%," comments KMu.

Desiree gets the rose.

At last, at LAST, it is the rose ceremony.  Hillshire says "this is becoming more real," Tierra is wearing her damn baby pacifier earrings again, and there is so much bronzer and delicate pink blush that we are all a bit overwhelmed.  Fortunately, there is Lindsay the Substitute Teacher/Cake Topper there to break the ice in a little dress KMu likes to call "Ebony and ivory, together in perfect harmony."  And also, spangles.  She admits that she was a teensy bit drunk at the first rose ceremony, and then says that she is an army brat and that her father is a General.  We don't know what to think.  Nor does our confusion improve when we see that Squints has now borrowed Tierra's sequined navajo blanket and is wearing it tonight.

So the big news is that Amanda the Fit Model is crazy.  She sits stonily staring off into space, and entirely ignoring everyone else even when they talk to her except for Pringles (for whom she blooms into life).  This is a little weird, but not as weird as the yellow roses she has fashioned into shoulder pads or the fact that she looks *exactly* like another famous Amanda, Amanda Knox.

While we are all fretting over Amanda/trying to care, the First Lady has a more pressing question:  She wants to know if Pringles is legitimately interested in dating a black woman.  She says, "[Perhaps due to pending litigation],  I have noticed that this show is getting more culturally diverse."

After this viewer picks herself off the floor, The First Lady continues on with her question to Pringles.  And this is when we realize (all of us) that ABC has picked the Perfect Bachelor for this season.  Pringles says that he loves this question, and informs the First Lady that he has dated hispanic and persian women, and that his last girlfriend was black.  That's right, ABC has picked the blonde, blue-eyed white person who can talk about his diverse past, but not actually have to live it on national television.   But the First Lady is thrilled with this response, and we do have to give her props for asking in the first place.

In the end, and joining Kacie, Desiree, and Squints with roses, Pringles picks:

1.  the PK
2.  Lindsay the Substitute
3.  The FIrst Lady
4.  Jackie or Jacquie or whatever the makeup lady
5.  La Democrat
6.  Selma
7. Hillshire
8.  Janice Dickenson
9.  Leslie the poker dealer (yay!!)
10.  Tierra Firma
11.  Taryn
12.  Drunk Daniella, and
13. Amanda Knox.

Community activist Brooke and Diana the Salon owner go home.  We totally saw that coming.

Stay tuned for next week, when Only Bad Things Can Happen.

- KLo

Pringles Part 1: 50 Shades of Nay

'Tis the season!!  The Bachelor and its ugly step-sister, the BNU, are back!  And with it, the knowledge that all This Viewer must do to summarize the season is put on a bathing suit, suck helium, scream "whoooo," and chase a man in a dayglo tank top around a roller derby rink.  That's right, babies:  if we had known that we could either suffer through the next three months, or simply watch a Richard Simmons video, we would have ReThought Our Priorities last night.

So here he is, The Bachelor. Sean Lowe. What lucky lady wouldn't want to give up their job to date a 29 year old insurance salesman from Dallas, Texas whom Chris Harrison once said was so devoted to his body building plan that he ate 20 boiled eggs a day, and who suggests that it was "God's Plan" for him to do reality television?  While these may seem like minor obstacles to all of you, Intrepid Readers, here is This Viewer's Main Issue: the Man is Beige.  From the top of his beige, waxen head past paradoxically hairless,waxen chest down to the tips of his beige and waxen toes.  He is like the exact color of a Forbidden Pringle.

And also, apparently to prevent him from blending in to his environs too completely, ABC has shown him in nothing but lime green, electric pink, navy blue, and neon blue V-Neck t-shirts and/or naked entirely except for jogging shorts for the last 20 minutes.  Stand him up against an apartment wall and Pringles here would be a Warhol print. Or George Michael, circa his "Gotta Have Faith" video.

Speaking of faith, Pringles is talking about his past season with DP, about getting over heart break, playing with his niece and nephew, and about now moving on and being prepared to "protect the heart of' his "girl," "honor her, and be her rock."  Goody.

And now the Biopic portion of the show is over, and Pringles, clad in a blue v-neck muscle T, is welcoming a surprise guest to his new Bachelor Pad . .. Hot Wheels!!!  What follows is this:  "Dude, dude, remember that one time in Curacao?? Yeah, that was fun."  Hot Wheels grills him  on how he will hand out the roses, makes Pringles break up with him several times for practice, and finally, provides a lesson on how to kiss ("it's all about looking into her eyes," "one hand in her hair like this.. .") and the importance of Church Tongue (not too much, not too little, like a knee-length skirt).

Okay, This Viewer has made it five whole paragraphs without reference to Narnia and All Closets Associated Therewith.  But we Just. Cannot. Do. It. Any. Longer. as The Pring is now shuffling around in the shoes searching for A Way Through.  Go towards the light, Pringles!!!

One hard edit later, and Pringles has donned a skinny tie, even skinnier suit, and is now standing upon the hosed-down hearth, extolling his excitement with the opportunity to meet "The Girls."  Chris Harrison pops out from behind a bush and suggests that we all waste some time getting to know a few of these contestants more personally.  Cue the tape:

Desiree, or "Des" is a 26 year-old bridal consultant and hopeful dress designer.  We don't want to like her, because we are creeped out by any woman who thinks its a good idea to put on a wedding dress in her in-depth interview, but for whatever reason, we like her despite it.

Tierra is a 24 year-old Leasing Consultant. She wistfully declares that she has "fallen in love, twice, and gotten her heart broken, twice" as she fingers the cross around her neck.  We try to look away from the baby pacifiers she has attached to her ears, and notice that she is really pretty in a bump-shimmy kind of way.  We look down at our mismatched socks and bitten nails.  In the words of the Princess Diaries, in case this Viewer was not enough of a freak already, let's add a Tierra.

Robyn, a/k/a Michelle Obama, a 24-year-old african american oilfield consultant.  We like that she is trying to learn Spanish by putting sticky notes with new words all over her house.  We do not like that she can do handstands.  Bitch.

Diana, a/k/a Priscilla Presley.  She is a 30-year-old single mother and hairstylist from Utah.  Her parting words: "Would you like a blow out today?"

Sarah, an advertising designer who was born with only one arm.  We know that this is is supposed to be her big reveal, but we find it far more distracting that she squints constantly.
 
So to recap, and aside from the anomaly that is Tierra, we have (1) an artist, (2) a P.O.C., (3) a single mother, and (4) a woman with one arm.  "It is like ABC's version of March of Dimes," we comment to our reluctant viewing companion, SKu.  "You are going to hell for that statement," says she.

So we return to Ashley (the first of many), a 28-year-old hairstylist from Michigan that has "no idea why she is still single" because she has "actively searched for a boyfriend" while also being obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey.  She hopes to bite her lip at Sean.  She also hopes that he will rip her clothes off and spank her.   We are traumatized.

Lesley, Kristy and AshLee follow.  We know that Lesley is toast because she is a 25-year-old political consultant, and also, a Democrat.  No amount of being from Arkansas is going to cancel her political affiliation out with Pringles, unless perhaps she is a Creationist.   As for Kristy, this 25-year-old chicky is like Janice Dickinson - all legs and teeth and hair.  She is apparently a Ford Model, and the "best in the midwest," whatever that means.  Finally, AshLee is a 32-year-old professional organizer who bounced from foster home to foster home until being adopted into a pastor's family at age 6.  We are so beyond excited to have a PK (preacher's kid) on the show that we cannot even tell you, though she will no doubt be eliminated for being over the age of 30.

As if this episode and all of its listy-ness isn't enough, the first Limo now arrives in "real time" as Pringles mumbles something about being "humbled" by the experience and looks like a deer in headlights.  And in a steady stream, we meet:

1. AshLee, the PK, in a red boob bandage of a dress.
2.  Jackie, a 25-year-old cosmetics consultant who informs Pringles that she is going to "make her mark" on him.  We are terrified she is going to lift a leg, but she only puts a big lipstick swak on his cheek.
3.  Selma, a 29-year-old real estate something-or-other that talks in a kind of groan and pulls tissue out of her chest to wipe off the swak.
4.  Leslie, a 29-year-old poker dealer and P.O.C.  We like her.
5.  Daniella, a very blonde "commercial casting associate."  "She's a gofer," says SKu, "I can translate these things."
6.  Kelly, a 28-year-old cruise ship entertainer who looks exactly like This Viewer's old Angel Hair Barbie and sings in a horrible country cabaret:
Sean and Kelly has a nice ring to it.
So good in fact, I think I' gonna sing about it.
You're from Texas, I'm from Tennessee.
I"d love to take you home for my momma's sweet tea.

We are horrified, both for the song, and also by the memory of This Viewer's very own audition to be a cruise ship dancer 100 years ago.  All we remember were the Wedge hair cuts, the Jazz Hands, the High Kicks, and how everyone took it so very seriously (which meant that this Viewer could not stop laughing).  Oh, how different things might have been. .. .

So we continue with:

7.  Katie/Edie Brickell, a 27-year-old yoga instructor from Texas.  She's not aware of too many things, she knows what she knows, if you know what she means.
8.  50 Shades (Ashley).  She pulls a grey necktie out of her cleavage and makes Pringles crumble a little.  Okay people, this Viewer does not know much about the male psyche, but we are Pretty Sure that pulling kleenex and neckties and all manner of homemade Chicken Cutlet out of one's bra does not a turn-on make.
9.  Taryn, a 30-year-old health club manager whose hair, skin color, or both are not found in nature.
10.  Catherine, a 26-year-old graphic designer from Seattle.  We like her (all of us).
11.  The First Lady (Robyn), who attempts to do back walkovers to the Bachelor and falls on her butt in all her spangly glory.

"You've got to be shitting me," says SKu.  Sadly, shit we not.   But we are not done, for there is:

12.  Lacey, a 24-year-old graduate student who is now pulling a lace triangle out of her bra that we swear she cut from cheapo Wal-Mart underpants. You know, so Pringles can "remember" her.  OMG people what is up with pulling things out of your top??
13.  Paige, a 24-year-old JumboTron Operator who was apparently on a show that we boycott, Bachelor Pad.  We don't think she will get a rose because she informs Pringles of her prior contestantship.
14. Tierra, who bump shimmies out of the limo in black spangles and shows Pringles an "open heart" tattoo a la the necklace design hawked by Jane Seymour on her finger, noting that she needs a man to complete it.  We are speechless, for we find the "open heart" design to look more like a little buttock than a heart.  And also, a finger tattoo, really??? But Pringles is a speechless for other reasons, and immediately flees the scene.  He begs with Chris Harrison to let him change the rules and and out a rose to her.

He returns:  "You have such a sweet, exciting, positive energy!!" and gives her a rose.  What he meant to say was "you look smokin in that dress, babe."  But she giggles missishly anyway, and shimmies her way into the house with a wide-eyed declaration that all she did was say one sentence to him.  The other women instantly hate her.

But we have a bunch more women to go, so we meet:

15.  Amanda, a 26-year-old "Fit Model" in some weird black-top-long-white-skirt outfit who proposes an "awkward moment of silence" to get it out of the way.
16.    Keriann, a 29-year-old "entrepreneur" who traveled over 2,700 miles to meet Pringles.  Meh.
17. Desiree, who brought pennies with her to make a wish in the fountain at the mansion. Did this viewer mention we like her? We hope she saves herself by getting the axe.
18.  Squints (Sarah), who declares that this is "exactly" how she thought she would find love.
19.  Brooke, a 25-year-old P.O.C. with red hair and some sort of hairy feathery top.  She floats up and aggressively gives Pringles a hug, terrifying him.  There is no way that woman is getting a rose.
20.  Diana the salon owner, in a fishtail braid and some sort of tank top.
21.  Lesley The Democrat, with a football.  She loses points for making him bend over to look at his tush.
22 . Janice Dickinson (Kristy), who once again reminds Pringles that she is the "Best in the Midwest."
23.  Another Ashley - another model. Because this is real life.
24. Lauren, a 27-year-old journalist/bobblehead/self-professed bleach-blonde Italian who wants to feed Sean and also have her dad break his legs. and finally. . . .
25.  Lindsay, a 24-year-old substitute teacher dressed like a Cake Topper, in a full-on wedding dress.  We think she's drunk.  She kisses Pringles.  We think she's drunk and unhinged.

But then, SURPRISE, we are not done!!!  Out pops a really long pair of legs, and it is Kacie B from season Buffaloed Ben (which we did not blog, for we were in Early Retirement).  Apparently, she thought they "had something" when she previously met Pringles at some Bachelor-related event, and wants to give it a go.

 Okay,we get it, ABC.  After the last 1.5 hour long Parade of Horribles, we get that Sean is a leg man and therefore may not care much what is on top of said legs, either physically or mentally. But that does not mean that one has license to wear nothing but a slash of ill-fitting black mesh across exactly 1/2 of one's jubblies (and the inside 1/2 at that).  We Hate This Dress (all of us).  As Kacie B takes her mesh covered little lentils on a plate inside the house, we hope that we do not have to see much more of that as the evening wears on.

What follows is not worth writing about.  There is cattyness, interspersed with various 1:1 times with Desiree, Kacie, and others.  Suddenly, women start showing up with roses.  The PK, Groaning Selma, Desiree, Edie Brickell, The First Lady, Jackie, and some other chick also are given roses as the night progresses.  Other women inform Tierra  that while she may have gotten the "first rose," it is not the "first impression rose" because all that can be said is that it was "first." Tierra fights back that others may have gotten roses, but hers is still special because all she said was "one sentence" before Pringles was swept away.  Are we really having this discussion?  Soon things dissolve into tears, as some wonder what's "wrong with them (Squints, Taryn) and others feel the pressure of not having a rose.  50 Shades gets drunk, booty dances for Sean, and then falls on the floor.

In the end, we lose track of which women have roses and which do not, but Pringles picks a few more to join the many he has handed out to join at least the ones described above:
1.  Amanda in the horrible white skirt/black top
2.  Lesley the Democrat.
3.  Kacie B.
4.  Janice Dickinson.
5.  Daniella.
6.  Taryn.
7.  The Cake Topper, Lindsay.

As the others say their goodbyes, Ashley the model cries about lost love.  Cruise Ship Kelly is "embarrassed that she's that girl that sang on the bachelor and got cut after 1 episode."  Then maybe don't sing next time, girlie.  JumboTron lady (Paige) is sad she's been on two shows and never gotten a rose.  And finally, 50 Shades shows her ass tat, dances with her necktie, and concludes with "Mom, don't be mad."

Stay tuned for this season, which includes various beach and ice-like adventures.

-KLo