Tiny Dancer Part 2: In Which A Turd is Revealed

So Kaitlyn wakes up, like we do, “in my size 2 tank top and amazing hair,” supplies KMu. “And with Chris Harrison walking through the French doors of my bedroom to say good morning,” adds ABe.  This is just an ordinary morning for the Tiny Dancer, not dissimilar to the mornings of the BNU staff.   We soon know that Kaitlyn is ready for the day because she is wearing A Heavy Fringe.

This Author once had the fortune to sit between two women at a Work Event discussing their, um, work.  Gentle readers, we did not know that eyelash extensions were “a thing,” or that so many people in the professional community actually have them (as our sister SHa later informed us).  For the uninformed, eyelash extension are like the Lee Press On nails of the eyeball, each individually GLUED to each individual eyelash and They Can Be Yours for six weeks for the low low price of $250.  WE DID NOT KNOW THIS EXISTED.  But unlike The Eyebrow Wax and Elastic Waistbands, we do not anticipate them revolutionizing our life.

Meanwhile, ABC is still making us watch the Britt storyline.  We find her where we left off last week, crying cross-legged on the bed in converse sneakers, leggings as pants (RAGE), a camo top, and friendship bracelets.
“Are you there God?  It’s me, Britt.”  Whispers KMu.

Britt calls her mom and cries about how she “didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone” and “can’t process the fact that I’m going home” because she has never watched this show.  And there is knock on her door.

We see Nashville Brody. And he is wearing, in no particular order, the wide-necked t-shirt being sold at Talbots this season (in black), black tights, and black shoes.  “He looks like he is going to a modern dance class” says KMu, as ABe falls off the sofa.  For the record, he also looks like the amazing man we recently saw managing traffic at the Frank Lloyd Wright walking tour, wearing jeggings and penny loafers without socks.  Except that man was clean.

This is going nowhere good.

Back at the house, date card #1 has come for Daniel the Fashion Designer, Justin the athletic trainer, Just Jared, a Cory/Corey, Michael Scott, Ben the athletic trainer, and Other Ben. We also think John Legend may be on this date?  “I see this ending with a ring,” it says.

This date is horrible, except for Laila Ali.    They all meet at a gym, where she teaches them how to box. Kaitlyn is running around in pink boxing gloves, someone breaks the window with a jumping rope, and everyone talks to Kaitlyn except LL Cool J – who is more interested in boxing and Laila Ali.  Soon All Our Nightmares Are Revealed when we must sit through a boxing match in which the men are matched with no regard to their weight.  ABe watches in terror because she actually boxes Like. A. Boss.   

The rest of the BNU be like:

“Wait, those are corn rows!” says ABe, tearing her eyes from the crime scene happening in the ring.

“Yeah but she’s white. Did you notice that?” says KMu.

Dear white women and teenage girls on vacation in the Florida Keys: Unless you are Bo Derrick in the 70s, please don’t do this.  Ever.

We are a little surprised that Just Jared makes it to the final round, where Ben the Athletic Trainer – who is like five inches and 30 lbs heavier – sends him to the hospital.   As a reward, Ben gets the first 1:1 time with Kaitlyn, who is wearing the most symmetrical pants suit ever:

It is like tiny pants for the ribs, doing a hand stand on top of regular pants.  With nothing in between.

So we learn that Ben the Trainer likes to cook, and by “cook” he means BBQ and tailgates.   Because “Food has such a big connection to me.”

“I love food too!” says Kaitlyn.

“I eat food also!!!” says ABe.

“I could eat all day!!!” says KMu.

This author is too busy actually eating to respond.  

So Ben tells us that he lost his mom to cancer at 14, and ABe wants to know, “so we’re at that part of the show already?”  But Kaitlyn is touched.  Also in this Stories of Adversity We Have Overcome section of the show, Justin the trainer tells her that he has a son named “Aurelius.”  Thank god for Abstinence/Ignorance Only education, which likely will prevent that child from being called “Areola” for the next 20 years. 

Some waiter shows up with a card for Kaitlyn in the middle of Justin’s time with her.  We once again proclaim loudly that we wish we were on this show, if only in a supporting role.  “KLo, if you were ever a contestant on this show, all of your notes would be from me and ABe,” says KMu.  Which. Would. Be. Awesome.   At any rate, the note apparently said something like “I need to see you right now outside.”  Surprise, it is from Just Jared, who is on his way home from the hospital.  They kiss dramatically in a dark corner.

“MY head may hurt, but my heart has never felt better,” says he.

“And my PENIS…” says KMu.

But too bad for Just Jared, because Ben the Trainer gets the rose on this date.

Next up:  the 1:1 date.  Which some person named Clint gets.  “You take my breath away,” says the card.   You know, we all like this guy because he (a) is gainfully employed and (b) drew a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops, which is weirdly specific even if it reminds us uncomfortably of Season Trista, who fell in love with the dude that drew a white tiger for her.

Clint takes a step back, however, when we discover that he is wearing Mauve Shorts of Rage to this date.  We also don’t quite know how he is going to do with the activity planned for the day:  an underwater photo shoot.  “Everyone is doing it now for their engagement photos!” says Kaitlyn.

What?

“Oh yes,” says KMu.  “Let me get my engagement photos out for you. They are stored with my underwater wedding photos.  Which I followed by two water births.”

We have to laugh when Clint worries that he’s going to look like one of those photos of the dogs underwater.   Which of course he does not.  In fact, he is weirdly attractive in a male model-y way through this entire shoot.  It almost makes up for the shower curtain on Kaitlyn’s dress:

We don’t end up seeing much of Clint talking on this date, but for some reason we like him by the end (ok, maybe that’s the reason).  He gets the rose.  They kiss and it is not gross.

But back at the ranch, the Healer is struggling.  Something about love being “about possibilities, ideas, dreams.  Perennial like the grass.”  He wants to know if he and Kaitlyn can “begin the process of togetherness.”  He is just exhausting.

Date card #3 comes, and the Healer is desperate to be on it.  “I’m looking for a man who can stand up for me,” says the card.  . . . And the Healer is one of the guys going.  But so is JJ the MotherPucker, who we all now think is terrible (All Of Us).  JJ hopes the Healer goes home because he needs more room in the closet.   Also on this date:  the Dentist, Flashdance, Bart Simpson, Ian of the Hotness, and someone else.

So this date takes place at a comedy club “Amateur Night,” which is only ok because AMY SCHUMER, our spirit animal, is running the show.  Amy loves the Bachelor because “you sit at home and judge everybody and be like, ‘I’m fine!’”  We raise our glass to you, Amy, without shame.

Amy also confesses:  “I love Kaitlyn.  She is awesome.  She is like, someone that I could be friends with, and like, I want to spend the rest of my life with.”  But ABe wants to spend the rest of her life with Flashdance.  As he walks into the comedy club, ABe says, for All Of Us, “Holy Crap, he is cute.”

 The men tell the (terrible) jokes that they know.  Amy does triage by bringing in in three female comedians to help them, and we all know this is not going to go well. 

“Does funny stuff happen when you weld?” asks one comedienne to Flashdance.
“Not really,” says he.
“He’s so cute,” says ABe.   

But then the following happens:

JJ MotherPucker:  “When I meet a woman, I just tell them hi, I’m divorced. I have  kid, and I live with my parents.”
Amy:  “Is that true?”
JJ MotherPpucker:  “yes.”
Amy: [starts drinking].
JJ:  “Sometimes I feel like I’m too smart for like, 90% of the audience.”
Amy:  I hope it does comfort you to know you are not actually smarter than other people.”

Amy to the camera:  “JJ’s a sweetheart.  He’s missing like, humility, charisma, and a sense of humor.  But other than that, you should hire him as the next bachelor. . . . Maybe he needs to reflect on himself and not be such a turd.”

The comedy section of this date is so terrible that we actually are not shown much of any of it.   Except Flashdance, who talks about things he can do with his tongue, making ABe pass out.  And Bart Simpson, with the only true point of the evening: “I am from Kentucky and if you can’t tell that from my accent you are f*ing deaf.”  Otherwise, it is a pile of terrible, capped with ramblings by Tony the Healer on top:  “I have been training for this my whole life.  I’m very serious, sensitive, just happy to explore the lighter side off me.”

This Author once almost dated someone like Tony the Healer, as We All Have (You Know Who You Are, Gentle Readers).  He tried very hard, and even wrote us poetry in two languages, but we just. Could not.  We ran into him a few years later at a bonfire, where he talked about living with monks and traveling the world in search of himself and expected us to be charmed.  We were grateful for our liberal arts education in that moment and also, our time at Arts School.

Kaitlyn thinks this is the best date she’s ever had.

“If I got to hang out with Amy Schumer, that would also be the best date I’ve ever had,” says KMu.

JJ MotherPucker gets the rose on this date, which is just horrible.   And then he kisses her and we all start screaming.  “It looks like he’s trying to give her face a fish pedicure,” says BMa over text, in solidarity with Our Trauma.

At last it is the rose ceremony.  Our Tiny Dancer is wearing a cut-out dress, and already JJ is stealing her away, despite having a rose, before saying that he will now “allow her to talk to the others.”  We hate him with the fire of a thousand suns.  It is just unfortunate that Kaitlyn’s next stop is the Healer:  “I want to pay attention to the signs the universe presents.  I was attracted to Britt because she wears her heart on her sleeve, but you are a combination lock, instead of a key turn.”  WTF.

And then Flashdance saves the day by virtue of his sheer beauty.

“I love that he’s a welder!” says ABe.
“Ok, that’s five,” says KMu.
“I am blushing,” admits ABe from behind a blanket.

Soon WE are blushing because Ian the Hotness is talking about his life, including how he healed from his horrific accident by putting his mind to it AND THEN HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS “and now I’m putting my mind to this,” AND WE ALL SWOON.

We just need to savor the moment because the rest of this episode goes off the rails. LL Cool J tries to indict the show for racism, while being on the show, which is awkward at best to do.  But it is worse for him, because he does it by essentially questioning Kaitlyn as to whether she is just keeping him around to fulfill a quota, since they don’t have a connection.  [Imagine this goes on for like 5 minutes].

And Kaitlyn shuts him down:  She talks about what she liked about him, what she recalls about their past conversations, and why she felt like she had a connection with him UNTIL THIS VERY MOMENT.  And also, how he made zero effort during the group date to get to know her.

Kaitlyn dismisses LL Cool J to think about what he has said.  And so he wanders off to loudly tell the men about her conversation with him [Imagine this goes on for another 5 minutes].  Which she then interrupts, and sends him packing. 

Kaitlyn, FOR THE WIN.

Except LL Cool J informs Kaitlyn that he doesn’t want to leave:  “I don’t want to go home.  I think you’re hot. And sexy.  And pretty.”

Kaitlyn:  “But I’m more than that.” 

AND SHE SENDS HIM HOME AGAIN.

As we fade to black on this episode-- still not knowing who she picked at the rose ceremony --  LL Cool J is outside screaming at the show staff, and Kaitlyn is saying “If he touches….” as she hauls it for the door.   Oooo.

But we are not done. As the credits roll, we learn that Nashville Brody and Britt have been seeing each other for ‘a little over a week.”  They are also still wearing the same clothes, or versions of them.  He carries her on his back, she is “happy” that he is “silly.”   And in the end, he tells her:

“I’m wondering if you will be my girl?”

She says yes, and it is almost as if we can see the wheels turning:  “I only must date this vaguely dirty man until the After the Final Rose is aired, and then our break up can be featured in the tabloids for a few more months of fame.”   

Gentle readers, even for all the soap in the world, this Viewer could not.

-KLo.

Tiny Dancer Part 1: YEESSSSUH.

Babies, we reluctantly return to ABC for the continuation of the Bachelorette night #1, which we are choosing to call Part 1 because now we have a reason for typing these next few month.  First let’s drag it out: 

We see Chris Harrison, who picks Britt up at a random outdoor fireplace because that is where one sits in a white dress.   He tells her that the majority of the tribe has spoken, and they have not chosen her.  YES YES YES YES.  And also, YESSSSSUH. 

Britt is Fevastated (fake devastated).  She brushes a nonexistent tear, says she met a lot of amazing people, and that she was glad to be a part of that.  We are mesmerized by the finger shield that she is wearing, masquerading as a ring.  It is like a tiny surfboard or alternatively, the ultimate weapon in thumb wars.  Britt gets in the limo and starts to cry.

KMu:  “This makes me small, but we are going to enjoy this.”

Britt:  “I want to be a wife and mother more than anything in the world.  I almost wish I hadn’t met the men because now it’s harder.”

KMu:  “Because this is the only place you can possibly meet a man.”

Britt:  “I don’t know how many times I can put my heart out there.  What I need to be doing differently.”

[Silence from the peanut gallery because um, yeah]

KMu:  “Now I feel bad for her.”

This Author:  “I don’t.”

As Britt sobs herself down the road after the serious devastation of walking away from 25 men she just met, Chris Harrison tells Kaitlyn that she is the bachelorette.  “I feel like I’m going to throw up!” says that Tiny Dancer, endearing herself to us forever.  Except she too is wearing a finger shield, causing us all to question The Dictates of Fashion These Days.

“The rest of this journey is s about you finding love, and I will do everything in my power to help you do that.”  Says Chris Harrison.

“Including sleep with you” mutters this Author.

Kaitlyn calls her mother to share the good news.  “I’m so proud of you!” the mother says. If this Author were the bachelorette, our Father’s reaction would be more along the lines of “really?  Well . . .  Good luck.”    

And just like that, Kaitlyn begins 1:1 time with various men who all blur together because there are Just.  Too. Many.  Ian the Princeton runner grabs her first.  As she tells him she feels like the “luckiest woman,” he tells her, “no, you are THE woman” and we all swoon.  Joshua the welder gives her his welded rose, which she thinks is “HOT” because he made it himself.  We also wonder if he made his khaki vest out of the extra material from his Khaki pants.

All too soon, the first impression rose comes out.  The men begin talking about how “anyone” could get the rose, and also, how the “Britt team” ought to be nervous.  The Healer, who was part of that team, sits by himself In Conflict.  Lo, for he had come to the show focusing on Kaitlyn, but then had made a deep connection with Britt, and now there is “only one drinking fountain and we all have to stand in line.  And I am almost ready to go home and dig my own well.”  While we will acknowledge that looking for a partner is not dissimilar to digging a ditch in a third world country, we cannot imagine that the Healer would do well at either of those things, real or allegorious.

We feel rage towards LL Cool J, who was heavily Team Britt but is now coming on to Kaitlyn with a “hey gorgeous.”  And some fitness professional, which means it’s probably one of the Bens, is telling her that there is nothing more satisfying than taking someone from couch potato to 5K.   Jared the restaurant manager admits to Kaitlyn that he is happy he is there, but he wants to make sure he knows that he voted for Britt so that the air is clear between them.  We actually appreciate that, as well as spicy cheese and regular mustard on our six inch turkey sub.   

But Brody, the Nashville Singer is all upset because The Britt is Gone.  Gentle readers, he doesn’t “know what to do with my emotions.”  We try to care but he really dings the Ick Meter, and so we don’t.

As Kaitlyn tries to figure out who is actually there for her, JJ the Pucker reveals to her that he has a three year old daughter.  She says she takes him more seriously because of that, and then tells the camera that she is “super, SUPER into JJ.”  We are not seeing it.

Then the Dentist swoops in and kisses Kaitlyn.  WHOA.  “The dentist has got wheels!!” she says.  None of us expected that.   We don’t know how to feel.  Before we can fully digest, we are off to 1:1 time with Bart Simpson, followed by 1:1 time with Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris.  This Author is super confused by our attraction to The Boyfriend. 
“Have you seen the notebook?” asks KMu.

And we must agree that The Boyfriend is not dissimilar to Ryan Gosling, who is not really Our Thing, but with enough Ichabod Crane thrown in that perhaps that is What Is Doing It.  Hm.

In any event, Kaitlyn gives The Boyfriend the First Impression rose and they kiss. She is Overwhelmed with the emotion, which apparently feels like a first kiss in junior high to her.   We are not sure that is something anyone wants to re-experience but ok.

Now the Rose Ceremony is upon us.  Joining The Boyfriend with roses, she picks:

1. The Dentist

2. Ben H. (we don’t know who this is but he is probably a fitness professional).

3.  JJ, the pucker.

4.  Bart Simpson

5. LL Cool Jay (who voted for Britt. Ooooo).

6. Daniel the fashion designer, in extremely skinny pants and an ascot (who also voted for Britt. Double Oooo).

7.  Ryan B – whoever he is.

8.  The Welder a/k/a Flashdance

9.  Tony the Healer.  WHAT?!

Suddenly, Nashville Brody steps out of the crown to pull Kaitlyn away.  He tells Kaitlyn that he is impressed with her, but that “now it’s time for me to take a risk.  And my heart is with the woman that left a couple hours ago…. I’m going to go find Britt and see if she is open to finding love.” He then grabs Chris Harrison and wanders off.   Oh dear.  

Kaitlyn takes a deep breath and continues with:

10. Clint

11. A Cory/Corey

12. John Legend (Noooo!!! He was team Britt too!)

13.  Another Cory/Corey

14.  Ben a fitness trainer.  Crap, maybe the first Ben worked in Finance.

15.  Tanner a/k/a Michael Scott from The Office

16. Ian of the Hotness.

17. Justin, yet another fitness trainer.

18.  Just Jared the restauranteer. 

We probably left someone out in there, but oh well. 

The Sex Couch and Stripper for Justice go home, as does David and some other dude we don’t know.

Just like that, we are treated to a preview of the shit show to come.  There is jumping in a pool fully clothed, horse riding, a Labyrinth dream sequence, sumo wrestling, fireworks, and a seagull screaming “I’m a mother fucking bird!”   But then, CRISIS, for Nick from Season Prosecutrix has shown up.

“Hello Clarice” we hear, unbidden, in our right ear, and a shiver goes up our spine.

Apparently, Nick and Kaitlyn hit it off, kissing in all the dark corners as the other men fume and declare their distrust.   Ew.  Even worse, Kaitlyn admits to her suitors, for the first time in any Bachelor/Bachelorette’s history on this show, that she has slept with one of the contestants and feels horrible about it. 

We are going to make ourselves very clear on this:  While Kaitlyn’s decision apparently is going to be a big part of Season Tiny Dancer, none of us at the BNU will vilify Kaitlyn for sleeping with one of her suitors, feeling like it was a mistake, or about owning that mistake. It has been happening since Christ was a Child on this show, with varying levels of deliberateness or regret, and no one has had the ovaries to own it until now.  So Kaitlyn, we stand behind you.  But full disclosure:  If it is Nick that is the naked man running through the golf course in his socks, we are totally going to make a joke about that one.

As we think about what is to come, we see Brody in a pair of skinny jeans, looking really worse for wear, approaching the hotel room of a crying Britt.  He can’t wait to see her face. 

Neither can we gentle readers.  Neither. Can. We.

-KLo

Bachelorette Part Prequel: Rose In a Box

Gentle readers, though we no longer own a television (R.I.P. ‘82 Sony), this Author has Not Been Ignorant Of the previewish promotion for the Bachelorette, in which Chris Harrison has insisted that Kaitlyn and Britt continue to maintain control over the entire situation even as this season begins with a fight to the death between the two of them for who will continue as bachelorette.   We cast a hairy eyeball then, but like Sadie Hawkins at a junior high dance, we do so again when Chris Harrison finally admits that the show actually chose to have two bachelorettes for a Hot Second to give the men “the ultimate decision.” 

Let’s meet them:  Kaitlyn and Britt.  Kaitlyn likes to tell dirty jokes, lost her heart to McConaughey earlier in the year, and is wearing a reasonable blue sequin with nude heels.  Britt is an “intense” hugger that is very into soulful gazing and has chosen to dress like a ghost made from Kleenex and a lollypop for the opening episode.  Both are nervous.  KMu and This Author are nervous.  And also, if Britt gets picked to go forward, we will chop off our fingers.

Because we hate this episode (All of It) and its attendant Blogging Challenges, ABC then awkwardly segues into an introduction to the men who will by vying for one of their hands once they, you know, decide who to pick for their dodgeball team.  We meet:

1.  Jonathan, a/k/a John Legend, who works in automotive in Detroit and has a five year old son that we sincerely hope he did not just borrow from his mother for the “daddy and me” segment of this episode.

2.  Bart Simpson, an insurance salesman from The South with “douchebag hair” (says KMu) and a super fat dog.  But he likes horses, which this Author never liked in Junior High or Otherwise.   One of our randomly and very unfortunately selected college roommates cemented our “Meh” towards horses by posting pictures of horses and bible verses all over her part of our room, including a giant galloping stallion with “trust god” underneath it.  

3. Josh, a 27 year old recent graduate from law school with a “focus on criminal defense” and who is now apparently studying for the bar.   But he needs to pay the bills so he also is A STRIPPER, which he calls the “Best Job Ever” and we certainly cannot dispute must be better than the practice of law.  And then ABC treats us all to a lap dance performed to the “Idle-diddle-daidle” portion of If I Were a Rich Man.

KMu and this Author watch Josh the Stripper for Justice five times, and then another time for good measure when ABe shows up and promptly causes A Stripping-Related Incident at the BNU:

   

Gentle readers, Josh calls himself “A Male Dancer.” Truly.   We think of all the times men have asked us “Oh, you used to be a dancer?  What KIND of dancer?” because we live in That Kind of Town and this is apparently a socially acceptable question to ask a woman one doesn’t know.  Fortunately, this no longer happens because we wear orthotics and mom jeans and no one’s imagination stretches that far.  But, allowing ourselves a moment of rage, we note that if there is ever any confirmation of the double standard in law, it is that a male lawyer could literally strip for a living and have it be a quirky side bar on his resume, but a woman with the same background would pretty much be run out of a firm.       

4. Next up is A Horrible Singer from Nashville, also known as 33-year-old Brady. 
“I hate him,” says ABe. 

“Don’t lead me ooooooon,” Brady croons.

“Shit he is soulful. I really hate him.”  reiterates ABe.

5.  Joshua, an industrial welder and farm boy from Kuna Idaho, who we reluctantly admit is cute.   He welds a rose for Kaitlyn and we are torn between appreciating his skill and deep knowledge that we, ourselves, would not want such a knickknack in the house.

6. Ian, a 28 year old pile of hotness from Venice Beach who was an all-star runner at Princeton and then was hit by a car and left for dead.  He rebuilt his body, going from a wheelchair to running again despite being told he never would.  As someone who never quite made it that far after our own dance injuries (which were Not Related to the Pole), we are both happy for him and begin to eat our feelings.

7. . Jared, a restaurant manager from Rhode Island.  He made a super-hero t-shirt and wants to “rescue” Kaitlyn.  We want to shave his face and send him back to Chick-Fil-A.

8.  Tony, a 35-year-old “spiritual healer,” also known as That One Guy That All of Us Have Regretfully Dated.  “Shit shit shit not This Guy,” says ABe for All Of Us. Babies, he specializes in “flexibility therapy.” His job is “healing,” because he has “always been sensitive.”  We see him stretching some poor dude out on a massage table, and then kissing a bonsai tree.  “I am definitely unique” says he.  We cry bullshit.

9.  Our last man preview is of Ben, a personal trainer from San Jose who we reluctantly admit has improved with age when we are treated to photos of his circa college.   Former football player, tragic loss of mother at age 14, likes to run with his shirt off.

So at this point, we were thinking that the meetings had, you know, started.  But suddenly Chris Harrison rips us back to the “present,” where Britt and Kaitlyn are standing awkwardly on two different sidewalks 20 feet apart from each other outside the bachelorette mansion, trying to make the best of their situation.  Britt chirps that this is “like an experiment!”  Our girl Kaitlyn looks like she’s gonna cutta bitch.

Limo #1 arrives and it holds (Dear Baby Jesus we have to start making another list):

1. Another Ben, who works with software.  Gentle readers, he and Britt have sponsored children together.  “Like, for 10 cents a day?” says KMu.   They are going to write a letter together to a sponsored child during the cocktail hour.

2.  John Legend, who barely acknowledges Kaitlyn. 

3.  Clint the architect, who also barely acknowledges Kaitlyn.  “Well this is awkward,” says She, for the Entire BNU.

4.  Ryan a Realtor, who literally says “Hi Disney princess” to Britt. We hate him.

5.  Jared the restaurant manager, who announces that he has an superhero alter-ego, “Love Man.”  We understand why he is single.

6.  Kupah a/k/a LL Cool Jay.  Again, he devotes his time to Britt.  Kaitlyn begins to cry in her off-stage interview.

Shortly thereafter, we have Limo #2 containing:

7.  Brady the terrible singer from Nashville.

8.  Cory, a residential developer from Texas.  Meh.

9. Ian, the hotness, who walks over to Kaitlyn and whispers, “I am hoping it’s going to be you, and I’m going to make sure it is.”  SWOON.  The Tides Are Turning for Kaitlyn!!

10.  Some person named JJ, who approaches Kaitlyn thusly:  “I’m not from Canada, but I’ve played ice hockey my whole life and I’d really like to puck you.”  Hahahah. 

11.  Ryan, a “Junkyard specialist.” Enough said.  

12. Some kind of tennis player.  

13.  Daniel, a fashion designer who is not gay.

14.  Josh the Male Dancer, who begins to take his clothes off.  “Britt, you can HAVE this one,” says Kaitlyn.

15.  Bart Simpson, who brings Kaitlyn some moonshine.  Ladies and Gentlemen, this may be the first season ever where a contestant goes blind.

16.  Another Josh, who is some kind of fitness trainer.  He brings Kaitlyn balloons.

17.  Tanner an “auto finance manager” who brings Britt Kleenex.  Maybe she needs to fix her dress.

18.  Shawn the personal trainer.  Who is like a Midwestern version of Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend Calvin Harris and, though we hate to admit it, attractive.  Britt is giddy because something about him, other than his hair, is “just gold.”  And then he walks over to Kaitlyn and says “you are the reason I am here.”  Burn.

At last we have limo #3, consisting of:

19. Another real estate agent named David.

20.  Cory or Corey.  Whatever. He is a competitive beach volleyball player who later reveals himself to be a dirtbag.   Spoiler Alert.

21 . The Flexibility Healer, who has somehow picked up a black eye before this episode aired.  He stares deeply into Britt’s eyes and says “I believe in love.  The real kind.”  And then calmly walks over to Kaitlyn:  “I believe in love.  The real kind.”  Now we  understand  how he got the black eye.

22.  Some dude who is an “amateur sex coach.”  He shows up in a hot tub car, but his intro is spoiled by one of the Ryans, who is now stunningly drunk.

23.  A dentist who drives up in a cupcake mobile.  “Is there enough wine for this episode?” wonders KMu.

24.  The farmer/industrial welder from Idaho.  Aaaaaan.

25. Ben the personal trainer.

Says Britt, “I don’t want the first night to be the last night!!!”
“I Do,” says this Author.

The remainder of this episode may be summed up thusly: 

  

We hate Cory/Corey the residential developer because he thinks that Britt is a “trophy wife” but Kaitlyn is your “wife.”  We also hate the volleyball player for the following:  “Do you choose the one that you like, or do you choose the one that likes YOU the most, because what you really need is the one who likes you the most if you are going to advance.”  Fuckwit.  Meanwhile, Britt is looking for a “fairy princess adventure partner,” says KMu.  Fortunately, she may have found him in The Healer, who explains to Britt that he felt very “centered” meeting her, to which she explains that she has a “strong sense of who he is” despite spending a very short time together.  You know, so does this Viewer, fancy that.

A variety of men talk about their children, and several bring drawings to Kaitlyn.  The best is Shawn the trainer a/k/a Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend Calvin Harris, who brings a stick figure drawing done by his nephew.  We heart him, despite ourselves.

This episode ends with Chris Harrison announcing that the men must cast their votes for the women by putting a rose into the box of their choice, carefully crafted with a rose shaped hole on the top.  We wonder whose kid made these boxes in shop class.   This spurs a frenzy of activity as they try to meet the remaining men that they had not yet seen.   Meanwhile, Amateur Sex Coach (which this Viewer keeps typing as “Couch”) confronts Drunk Ryan about ruining his intro to the women, and then gets upset when Drunk Ryan has no memory of it.   Drunk Ryan then calls the women “hos,” falls in the pool holding a beer, tells one of the men, “dude why am I not raping you right now” and gets sent home.  We are more interested in the subsequent “Reveal” that The Sex Couch became LICENSED ONLINE.  Glory be, he is A Modern Day Wedding Minister. 

As this Author is going to be late for Work Items That Cannot Be Budged, we conclude as follows:   This episode ends with a cliff-hanger:  who will be the next bachelorette? We must wait until Tuesday night, dammit.

Hang with me, babies. The boring is over, and the worst is yet to come.

 -KLo