Tiny Dancer Part Finale: Shrimp Finger

 At last, it is at an end.  As KMu wonders out loud if it would be “wrong to taser my own children” who are Very Energetic for Bed Time, ABe and this Author survey the desolate landscape that is the Live Viewing Audience for the Season Tiny Dancer finale.

“Not even any people in the audience are black,” observes ABe.
“There are some with black hair” offers this Author.
“Not the same, KLo, Not the same.”

We survey the sea of whiteness and then turn our eyes to Kaitlyn, whose family has arrived to meet the last two guys at some beach house in LA.   Kaitlyn reveals that one of the men is from a prior season, and Sister Tracy says “Is it Nick V?”  and then makes an ‘O” face when Kaitlyn reveals That It Is.  Kaitlyn also says that her two men hate each other because Kaitlyn “screwed up,” making Tracy’s O face bigger.

 Kaitlyn is more explicit about the screwing with her mother.

Sister Tracy has that hairstyle that we hate (All of Us).  It is like a black mop, with a white mop on top of it. We spent years of our childhood watching the audience lady who sat across from us at summer stock theater in the round. We were mesmerized by the black triangle on the top of her head that would get bigger and bigger through Fiddler on the Roof and A Chorus Line, only to disappear behind frosted whiteness somewhere around Oklahoma and then creep back in again at Brigadoon. 

It seemed Very High Maintenance, which leads us to not understanding What is Going On On Top with Sister Tracy now.

In any event, Mom Leslie, who looks like Michelle Duggar with a makeover, is not as bowled over as Sister Tracy by the presence of Evil Nick.  Leslie admits that she was taken “totally off guard” and we sense trouble. 

So now Evil Nick has arrived, and he is wearing a deep V-neck.  He has more cleavage than the Tiny Dancer.

He also brings flowers for the family, which he presents as follows:

Family:  “Hi Evil Nick nice to meet you . . .”
Evil Nick:  “First I brought some gifts so here you go.”
Quelle Romance.

We note that he has changed his wrist beads for the occasion.  KMu wonders what the dads think (we have mom and step-dad, and dad and step-mom at this little party, and we are privately wondering if that might not be more stressful than meeting whomever Kaitlyn is bringing home).

After Tracy toasts their “amazing journey,” Leslie steals Nick away for some 1:1 time.  “We saw you last season. You were possessive, and jealous, and I don’t want to use the word ‘arrogant’ but Who are you?”   TEAM LESLIE. 

As Evil Nick launches into how he came here or Kaitlyn, Leslie is all, “Ok, so I get that, but what does she see in you?  Who ARE You?”

ABe concludes this is the Best Question from a Show Mom Ever, but Evil Nick has mustered up some Tears of Sincerity about the Deepness of His Love and mom Leslie softens.  And then Evil Nick asks and gets the blessing of her dad to propose.  Meh.

We have begun to tighten the hoodie on our sweatshirt because we don’t have an afghan and we need to hide behind something.  

This date then suddenly ends as Evil Nick looks directly over Kaitlyn’s shoulder as they kiss goodbye. Hello, Clarice.

Suddenly it is the next day and Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris is arriving for his turn.  We know we should care, except step-dad is wearing a shirt with LEOPARD PRINT CUFFS and we just cannot.  But we snap back into focus when we realize that Calvin has brought a gift for sister Tracy in addition to the moms.  Smart man.  KMu tells us that last week, which we still have not watched because of the Work Adversity, Calvin Harris was nice to his own sisters.   And also, he gives a nice toast at lunch.   We soften further towards this pretty, pretty boy.

We don’t know what to say about this date.  Calvin Harris talks to mom Leslie about Overcoming His Jealousy and we mostly fall asleep.  Except, we like Calvin better for getting both mom and dad together to ask them BOTH for their blessing, and for generally being honest and sincere.

Afterwards, Sister Tracy has a change of heart: 
ST:  “I am on team Calvin Harris.”
Dancer:  “What? You were on Team Evil Nick since last year!”
ST:  “Yeah, but you and Calvin just seem CONNECTED.”
ABe: “Wait, I didn’t realize that they were connected.”
KMU:  “Not connected.  Intimate.”

We shudder and pull our hood tighter.

Now it is time for the Dance for Your Life dates.  First up:  Evil Nick on a yacht.  He opens champagne, they cuddle face to face awkwardly, they talk about how their connection doesn’t “fade” and we are bored.

“I’m just going to take a little nap” says ABe.

Suddenly it is the evening, and Evil Nick is literally wearing the kind of man shirt that was popular when this viewer was in high school.  Striped, short sleeved, vaguely faded.  He gives some kind of toast about following hearts, but we don’t hear it because LAST season he had done this entire fairy tale book for the Prosecutrix and we are now loudly demanding to see what he has Come Up With for this season.

“I have a gift for you. . . in my bedroom” says He.
“FAIRY TALE FAIRY TALE FAIRY TALE” says this Author.
“In your . . . bedroom?  Really?” says Kaitlyn nervously.

Turns out, it is the worst poem ever:  

“There is magic in your eyes and when I look at you I see my future. 
There is electricity in your lips and when I kiss you I feel your energy. 
There is love in your heart and when I touch you, I feel a love worth never letting go”   

“Sorry I had to wipe the vomit out of my mouth,” says KMu.
“There is blood in my ears,” simultaneously whispers this Viewer.

 The Worst Poem Ever is also in an engraved frame that says “You and Me.” Our only consolation is that it does not say “You and I” or “Me and Her.”  

But Kaitlyn loves it: “He wrote it in a way that was like, So beautiful.” 
“Is she serious?” demands KMu.

Now it is morning and we are at Date #2, some winery.  And Kaitlyn is wearing this:

Ok, so what is missing from this drawing is the fact that this entire ensemble, including the booties, are the color of cooked shrimp.  Suddenly, we wonder if ABC is telling us something.

Babies, in the long long cycle of self-improvement to which you have born witness these 10+ year, we have tried and discarded (a) exercise, (b) not drinking, and (c) moderating our chocolate consumption.  We are now entering a new phase called Not Biting Our Nails.  In furtherance of this Heroic Effort, we had them painted grey at the salon For The First Time Ever a few weeks ago. 

Except here is our Party Foul:  We don’t actually know how to cut our nails or do anything with them because we have bitten them our whole life.  So two weeks later, the grey was all chippy and we were starting to panic.  And so at like 11 pm Saturday, as we discussed this at the kitchen table of our beloved friends DOe and PIa while consuming Substantial Beverages, DOe made us repaint our nails.  We chose pale pale pink.

And now we have a shrimp finger. 

Babies, I am just here to tell you that you have to get ALL the grey off your nail before painting it pink or it looks like shrimp intestines.  And we still don’t know how to cut the nail so it’s like a long, talon-y shrimp finger.

We also have a bubble finger, which we boogered twice and our husband boogered once trying to help us fix the first boogering. 

ANYWAY, all of this is to say that Kaitlyn is WEARING THE SHRIMP FINGER today and we are feeling mocked and vulnerable.

This date is awkward.  And Calvin Harris is totally upfront about it.  “Yeah, this is weird.  I know the other guy is here, so when you are different with me from the last time I saw you, I wonder if something has happened with him and that makes me stressed out.”   They talk about being in their heads and generally circle each other anxiously. 

“I’m just very well aware that tomorrow I will be getting engaged, and. . . “ says Kaitlyn.

BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG

“What the hell?” says KMu.
“Oh, sorry about that, it was my alarm.” Says ABe.
“Wait, you seriously just took a nap?” Says KMu.
“Um. . .” says ABe.

Now it is evening for them, and Calvin Harris has given Kaitlyn a jar of memories.  Which is actually an awesome idea. 

“Turns out, there are also clips in that jar from all of her dresses,” observes KMu, as she eyeballs the missing chunks from the dress currently on Kaitlyn’s back.

BONG BONG BONG

This Viewer again leaps out of her skin.
“WTF, ABe.” Says this Viewer.
“Sorry sorry sorry,” says ABe. “I hit snooze.”

At last it is the day of the rose ceremony.  At this point, this Author is tired, and complaining about having to go through with this at all.
“What are they going to do about . . . ok gotta go back.  Let’s go back and watch that,” says this Author as Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris walks slowly up the stairs shirtless. 
KMu rewinds.

Meanwhile, Evil Nick tells us that he “woke up . . .  feeling like,”
“Scott Disick,” supplies this Author.
“You just distilled Evil Nick down to his essence” says KMu, as we both look at Evil Nick in his board shorts and button down shirt.

Blah Blah Neil Lane appears at the door and shows both men some Large and Ugly Diamond rings.  Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is getting ready for the Final Rose Ceremony in A SHRIMP COLORED DRESS THEY ARE MOCKING THIS AUTHOR.

At last, Kaitlyn is standing by the Bachelor Mansion pool, in the middle of a plank built entirely of wedding dance floor boards.  And the first limo arrives.   We feel nervous. . . .until Evil Nick gets out and the entire BNU erupts with joyousness!  

But Kaitlyn makes Evil Nick go through his whole speech about the odds being against them, and we are thinking “buddy you have no idea,” and then he gets out a ring and starts to get down on one knee and THEN the Tiny Dancer is like:

“noooooooo.”

And she dumps  him.  And then they snipe at each other about him being confused and her not loving him, and all we can think is This Is Not The Time.  Finally, she makes him walk down the squeaky wedding floor board walkway towards a waiting car.   He throws the engagement ring across the car, along with the Claddagh ring they got in Ireland.

“But she slept with him so she HAS to marry him, right?” says ABe.
“I love when you make The Comedy with me,” Says KMu.

As Nick laments that he is now the “worlds’ biggest joke,” we are distracted because Kaitlyn has painted her nails like our nails.  Except she doesn’t have a shrimp finger. DAMN YOU, ABC.

We are still looking at Kaitlyn’s nails when Calvin Harris shows up.  Not to give this whole moment short shrift, but Calvin has a very long speech about how wonderful Kaitlyn is, and Kaitlyn has a very long speech back about how wonderful Calvin is, and then he proposes AND she says yes and they kiss and talk about how “hot” the other looks that evening.

Sigh.

Next up:  Bonus Hour of After the Final Rose. Here is all you need to know:  Kaitlyn and Calvin Harris are still together.  And actually seem wildly happy with each other.  Good for them, crazy kids.

And also, this happens:

ABe:  “The thing about Nick is that he has a nice body.  Like if you take his head off. . yu . . .mmy.”
KMu:  “That’s like Ichabod Craine.”
This Author:  “But I LOVE Ichabod Crain. He was like one of my first crush boys.”
KMu:  “What is up with you and the Adam’s Apple.”

And with that, this Shitshow is at an end.

Enjoy what’s left of your summer, Gentle Readers.

Love, KLo.

Tiny Dancer Parts 9 & 10: Mea Culpa and the Men Tell All

Babies, last week was hard.  After a very long train ride back from The Montanas with the Prince of Sulu (we are not making this up), we got home too late to watch the Bachelorette.  And then the Work Items happened.  Work Items So Great and Terrible that our colleague BCa and his wife bought us Chocolates as a Peace Offering (Which We Tested Last Night and Can Report are Very Good).

Because the thing was, the Work Items caused This Viewer to miss celebration of a Birthday.  Like, a BIG birthday.  With a zero at the end. 

So basically, this past week Could Have Been Better, objectively speaking, and we STILL have not watched the episode from last Monday.  But we can report that in the 15 minutes we saw of it last night, the Tiny Dance and Peter Brady had an overnight date in which they rode horses named Chip and Archie and came across a field of donkeys.

"The horses, me, AND nature felt Peter Brady was a calming presence,” she said. 

They had dinner at a 19^th century castle, and then exchanged words about how lucky the other felt . . . until she dumped him (at the end of the episode).  RAGE.

KMu has prepared a helpful photographic Story Board for the remainder of the episode:

You are Welcome.

So THIS week we now know that for the Finale next week, we are left with Two Short Straws:  Evil Nick and Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris.  Who we like, but not more than Peter Brady, Ben the Trainer, or (let’s face it) even Just Jared.  Why, why, WHY Kaitlyn?

But first we must get through The Men Tell All.  Blah blah welcome Ryan-Who-Got-Drunk-and-Eliminated-The First Night, Tony, both of the Corey/Corys (one of whom will not stop talking), LL Cool J, Formerly Hot Ian, Flashdance, John Legend, Clint, Justin the personal trainer, JJ MotherPucker, Bart Simpson, Chris the Dentist, Ben the Trainer (le sigh), Just Jared, and Peter Brady.

After a plug for Bachelor In Paradise and a summary of “what happened” this entire season, we all must sit and suffer while Formerly Hot Ian gets down on his knees in front of the men and says he apologizes to all of them, and to Kaitlyn, and to the world, for being a giant assnugget.  He claims that this is not actually who he is.  Except we don’t believe him, and we are not really sure anyone else does either, and so this is just very awkward.

Corey from New York defends Ian because he thinks “a lot of Kaitlyn’s decisions were in poor taste” (*cough*LEGGINGSASPANTS*cough*).  But that is probably because he got cut really early on. 

So then we are off to Uncomfortable Dynamic #2, which is the Clint and JJ Motherpucker relationship.  Clint is clearly there only because his contract makes him be, and basically looks stern and says nothing all night.  JJ Motherpucker, on the other hand, cannot stop talking, in sexual euphemisms or otherwise.

Gentle readers, JJ takes the “Hot Seat” and, after he and Clint both declare their heterosexuality, tells us that his relationship with The Tiny Dancer simply did not “gain momentum” like it did with some of the other men, and that he regrets bringing his “brand of humor” to the show.

1. His relationship with Clint “went beyond the surface level."
2. There was a lot of “meat on that bone.”
3. He took his “eye off the ball.”
4.  And as for Evil Nick, Kaitlyn owed it to herself to “turn over every stone.”

“I think that’s called ‘tea bagging’” whispers this Viewer.

‘Yeah, you really blew it,” concludes Chris Harrison.

So then Ben the Personal Trainer takes the stand, and we pretty much don’t hear anything he says because of The Hotness.  He feels that he learned a lot on the show, especially that he can open himself up to someone in a shorter period of time than he could before.   And then this happens:

Chris Harrison:  “Have you cried since your mom died?”
Ben the Hotness:  “No, but I will in time.”
Harrison:  “A good cry is good for you.”
KMu:  “Words of advice from Chris Harrison.”
This Author:  “Well, he did write a Romance Novel.

Just Jared is up to bat next.  We actually feel bad for him because he seems to be a good guy.  Also, we are glad he finally shaved A Shape into his facial hair.  Chris Harrison tries hard to get something out of him: “I bet that when you watch this show back, it’s hard for you to understand why you were let go.”  Really, REALLY?

Last up, Peter Brady. We feel bad for him all over again as we relive his aggravating conversation with Kaitlyn about “what the hell happened in San Antonio” and he explains to the audience that she had slipped into their room one night, where the three of them (Peter Brady, Tiny Dancer, and Calvin Harris) had stayed up talking for 6 hours.  Except when Peter Brady left to take a shower, he could tell the vibe in the room had changed when he came back.   And also, feeling unlovable is his biggest fear, which is sad.

And then Kaitlyn comes out dressed like she is about to Skate for the Gold with Team USA:

It is also missing some fabric:

What happens next shall be called the Cyberbullying Portion of the Show.

The Harrison talks about how ABC “pushes boundaries” on the show but that Kaitlyn is comfortable with the decisions she has made.  She says spreading hate is not ok, and that the backlash she has received for some of those decisions has included death threats. 

The Harrison reads three terrible tweet/messages basically calling Kaitlyn a “whore” and a “slut,” and the men are completely taken aback.  At which point KMu reads This Viewers mind with the following points:

KMU:  “II understand that ABC is supposedly “confronting’ her bullies, but really they are just feeding off the controversy.”  

KMu again: “To me, the issue is that if someone  had said they’re  going to read three horrible emails, I would have immediately said “they’re going to contain the words “whore” or “slut.”  And yet these men are completely shocked and surprised that would be the case.  Like they can’t even imagine. And THAT’s the real issue.”

KMu, for the Truthsaying Win.

There are some extreme softballs thrown at the Tiny Dancer by Just Jared and Peter Brady, Kaitlyn still fails to articulate why she told Calvin Harris about sleeping with Evil Nick but not anyone else, and the (and right after the cyberbullying thing), everyone makes more jokes about JJ and Clint. Oh, irony.

Awkwardly, this episode ends WITHOUT asking Kaitlyn whether she is engaged, whether she is happy, and without announcing who the next Bachelor will be.

The season Finale will be next week, babies, and WE WILL BE HOME for that one.  So will ABe, who abandoned KMu and This Viewer for Uganda this week.  Priorities. 

Oh, and Britt and Vaguely Dirty Brady have broken up.  We know you are both Shocked and Surprised.

Love,
KLo

Tiny Dancer Part 8: In Which Peter Brady is Our Only Hope

Babies, as you know, we are in The Montana, with (turns out), NO television.  And yesterday, we faced The Adversity on the mountains in the form of a 13.2 mile hike along a sheer cliff wall while struggling with The Vertigo. So, we are also Broken, and a little Thankful the Be Alive. 

We begin Tiny Dancer Part 8 with a Butt Dial from ABe:

“Hello? Hello?” says this Viewer.
“Oh, I accidentally called you.  Sorry about that,” says ABe. 
“That was some weird timing. I am watching the Bachelorette,” says This Viewer.
“Oh, you are just going to see Kaitlyn running around in leggings as pants, saying ‘mwah mwah this is so hard.”  She concludes.

We could finish really stop this blog right there, as ABe speaks the truth.  But we do not because we Are Committed.  And also, it is raining outside so we cannot go play.

So here we see Kaitlyn, wandering around Killarney in leggings as pants, feeling “drained” and “sad” about sending The Dentist home and “guilty” about taking things too far with Evil Nick.   As she stands contemplating the countryside, the first date card comes for Peter Brady. “Let’s make this day unforgettable” it says.

The next segment shall be entitled, “The Part in Which We Conclude Peter Brady is Too Good for this Show.”  Turns out this date is a long slow boat ride, with Peter Brady rowing a la The Notebook, to Innisfallen Island.  Wait, this Author has been there!  Our guide, a Norwegian guy named Sven, tried to sweet talk This Author into a date on the boat ride between island and shore.  Ah yes, the glory days when time stood still, before the ravages of time.   If only we had known exactly How Downhill everything was about to go, we would have worn a swimsuit every day.  But we digress.

So Peter Brady is calmly confident, making us (All of Us) swoon.  He wants Kaitlyn to feel all the feels about this “journey,” and to support her through it.   They arrive at some ruins, where Peter suggests a game of hide and seek, and then later confesses to All of Us that he deeply loved his previous girlfriend, such that when that ended, he wondered if he was lovable at all.  Turns out, the gf was just not that into him WHICH WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND because at this point, Peter Brady is the best thing ever.

Kaitlyn really sells herself to Peter Brady, telling him that she can be “hard to deal with,” and we become annoyed.   We become even more annoyed at her when Peter tells her over dinner that he is really looking forward to the overnight dates in order to spend some time off camera with her, and to talk, rather than to focus on the physical because “that is not the purpose of this thing” and he respects her too much.  In response, she asks him if he is a virgin. RAGE.

We know this date ends well, but now we don’t want Peter to win because we love him too much.

Meanwhile, date card #2 has arrived for Bart Simpson, Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris, and Evil Nick.  “Let’s let our love run amok.” 

The men debate the meaning of the word “amok” and we become depressed.

But in the end, we don’t really understand where this date is or what running amok has to do with anything, as it mostly consists of the three men sitting awkwardly on a set of very cold benches, while the Tiny Dancer has 1:1 time with a few of them. While wearing leggings as pants.  We wonder if she does not have laundry service in Ireland.   

Out of the gate, Calvin Harris steals Kaitlyn for some 1:1.   He has cooled his heals for a week and is now looking forward to getting back on track with her.  They kiss, she wants to tell him that she slept with Nick (but doesn’t), and . .. end scene.

Next up:  Evil Nick.  During this entire conversation, he covers his mouth with his hand. 
Tiny Dancer;  “How did you feel about our date.”
Evil Nick: “ermd;wef good werfds”
TD:  “I feel like things went too far.”
Evil Nick:  “how I urmgh feel good about  grfl you.”

*Smack* Slobber*Smooch*

If this Viewer were not on vacation, we would have even less tolerance for this man.

At last, we have time with Bart Simpson. Oh! He is ready to be engaged!  Oh, he could kiss her and only her for the next 60 years!”  Kaitlyn is looking more and more awkward until at last, she dumps him.  Bart Simpson immediately turns on her, goes cold, and almost refuses to hug Kaitlyn goodbye.   While he is not being very gracious, Kaitlyn is also not helping things by asking questions like ‘are you mad at me?”

In conclusion, Bart Simpson swears and stomps off, never to be seen from again.  The Tiny dancer tells Evil Nick she will see him at the rose ceremony, and tells Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend that she needs more time with him but Not Right Now. 

Turns out, 2 minutes later was enough time because when next encounter Kaitlyn and Calvin sitting in the very same spot that Kaitlyn sat with Our Beloved, Peter Brady, not one day earlier.   She takes a deep breath, and because she feels “compelled to be honest with” Calvin, tells him after much  hemming and hawing that she and Evil Nick “had sex.” 

Calvin’s face freezes.  Finally he says, “do you regret it?”
“I felt guilt. And I wasn’t expecting to.” Says she. “But I did because I was worried about what this might do to our relationship.”

Wisely, Calvin Harris excuses himself for a minute to gather his thoughts.  Except then this happens:

(Photo courtesy of KMu & ABe, who have not Foresaken this Author, though she is Absent From Them).

Eventually, Calvin comes back to sit with Kaitlyn.  He tells her that he is falling in love with her, and that he doesn’t want to make this about Evil Nick because his focus is on her, and that’s the only thing he wants out of this experience – to walk away with her.  So he’s just going to swallow this and move forward.

Holy crap.  We are impressed, sort of, except then we are not because *spoiler alert* Calvin Harris Does Not Get Past It. 

As this is occurring, Evil Nick is complaining that he has not gotten enough time, or as much time as the other men, with Kaitlyn and we want to Punch Him In The Throat.  

But it is too late, because now the rose ceremony is upon us.   Chris Harrison drops A Bomb: Kaitlyn does not want drinks this evening, for she has Made up Her Mind.  We all feel sick about this, for different reasons.   We also wonder if we could just take a nap through the rest of this episode.

Except the men are being taken by horse drawn open carriage towards a castle, and we are wondering if this is Harry Potter and someone has experienced death.  Kaitlyn is dressed like a Solid Gold Dancer of this Viewer’s Childhood, as she summons the men forward and picks:

1.  Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend, Calvin Harris – but wait!  He must talk to her before he accepts!   He tells her that he doesn’t understand “why Nick of all people,” and why on earth she would jeopardize their relationship with someone like that.  She gives some nonsense about needing to trust her, and that he’s the only one that she has told about The Sex Thing, and that he has to let her figure this all out on her own.  He says “erm” and then . . .

We weirdly cut back to the rose ceremony, and Calvin Harris is accepting the rose.

Next, getting roses are:

2.  Peter Brady. YUAYAYAAYAYA.

3.  EVIL NICK.

NOOOO. 

Just Jared goes home, and we are really sad for him.  He is completely gracious about the whole thing, even offering his coat to her.  We feel terrible, especially as Kaitlyn is now left with Peter Brady and two men who hate each other.

One hard edit later, and we are in Cork, Ireland.  Wait WAIT, This Author was there also!! How can this be happening, that the Bachelorette is taking a Tour Of Our Life. 

Except the next segment (a fantasy suite date with Evil Nick) is most decidedly NOT part of our life, for which we are grateful.

Kaitlyn shows up in (wait for it) leggings as pants.   Nick shows up in a sweater, and they have a discussion about where he purchased his fine sweater (Ireland, surprise!).

Gentle readers, Kaitlyn’s connection with Evil Nick is “very passionate and physical” but could it be more?   They go to church to find out.  As he explains how a confessional works, Kaitlyn feels closer to his “softer, sweeter side.” 

Their relationship, after all, is “not just physical, but spiritual.”

WHAT?

Demonstrating that spiritual side, he says this about his experiences in Eighth Grade:

They progress to a bar, where, six beers in, they are now mingling with the locals and Kaitlyn is giggling about how she can’t understand any of their accents. A random guy tells her that the secret to marriage is “trust” and we all cringe inwardly as Evil Nick and Kaitlyn discuss this Deeply:

Tiny Dancer:  “I do feel like that is amazing”
Evil Nick:  “Trust?”
Tiny Dancer:  “Yeah”

As Calvin Harris works himself back up into a lather about Evil Nick, Kaitlyn and Evil Nick continue on with their date with dinner and the fantasy suite.

Except the Tiny Dancer is wearing bandages covered in lace and we hate this dress with the Fire of a Thousand Suns:

 She is also wearing an Ankle Monitor masquerading as a shoe.

Over drinks by The Kitty, making its first appearance in Ireland, Evil Nick begins to badmouth Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris.  He tells Kaitlyn that he has no respect for Calvin, because Calvin projects insecurities and doesn’t give “people” a chance.  And also, he slept with someone else and boasted about it.

Let’s  just chew that over a minute.

Kaitlyn concludes that Evil Nick and Calvin Harris are just obsessed with each other and telling bad things about the other that “don’t really matter” and we secretly wish that she would just axe them both and run away with Peter Brady.  Except instead she invites Evil Nick to the fantasy suite.  He mutters something about “I want to wake up and you be the first thing I wake up” (or at least that’s what it sounds like because he has his hand over his mouth AGAIN). 

We start drinking more coffee, wondering if 10 am is too early for beer even on vacation.

They end the night in the fantasy suite at FOTA Island, or what this Viewer calls “Fear of Total Asshat” Island, as Evil Nick has his hand half way up her lace and they can’t stop talking about how they “cant get enough” of each other.

The next morning, they talk about bacon, him with his shirt off and her in her robe.  We are horrified.  They insist that they just ate chocolates, drank, and talked, but we Do Not Believe Them.  Whatever  happened, Kaitlyn now feels “really good” about Evil Nick.  GAH.

But trouble is brewing.  We see Calvin Harris pacing back and forth, and then finding Evil Nick’s room number, and then knocking at the door, and THEN launching at Nick (verbally) about what he “really thinks.”  Not here for the right reasons, etc. 

This part may be summed up as two children fighting by slapping at each others hands like little propellers.  We are exhausted.

But we couldn’t end this horrible episode without checking in on Britt and Vaguely Dirty Brady.  They are going to “try to make the long distance thing” work, though she doesn’t know when she’ ll be able to get to Nashville to see him.  Ah, summer lovin, happens so fast.  We give it a few more weeks, until the finale of Season Tiny Dancer airs.

Stay tuned for next week, gentle readers.  And remember, we are traveling back from Montana that day (assuming we are not eaten by a bear first), and so there will be another time delay.

Peace,

KLo

Tiny Dancer Part Slight Time Delay: To Tide You Over

Gentle readers, turns out I don't have a television in The Montana after all.  However, SHa Wants Her Blog, and has therefore figured out how to let me watch online.  Which I shall be doing this morning (mountain time, babies, not the pacifics or the central).  I will post later today.

In the meantime, I give you The Most Awesome Picture Taken on yesterday's hike.  It is called:  "Man with Selfie Stick, and Goat."

Love, KLo