AriE Parts 10 & 11: End Times

Babies, we all know what happens on this show because the Internet Of Things Has Told Us (and probably all of you), but let’s pretend a little while. 

This Author cannot be bothered with such things as Television Shows During the Week, so we turn on the television Monday 5 minutes too late.  Our viewing partner via text, BMa, nonetheless reassures us that we did not miss much; lo for Orange Lauren is basically saying she is nervous to meet AriE’s family.   Oh that’s right, this is the part where AriE brings each contestant home to meet the fam. 

We are distracted by our rage because Orange Lauren is wearing leggings as pants. 

Pantsless, Orange Lauren confesses to AriE’s dad that she is worried things won’t work out again, you know, like with her other fiancé.  Orange Lauren then confesses to AriE’s mom, whom we forgive for her pink frosted lips in light of her kind heart, that she is “not used to talking about feelings.”  Then this happens:

AriE’s sister: “You could not actually talk to some of the women you previously dated and so, can you actually talk to Orange Lauren?”
AriE:  “Good question.” OMG.

 Somehow, she manages to impress them. 

Now it’s Other Becca’s turn. We hide under a blanket as Other Becca and AriE tell their “love story” to the family, complete with when they wanted to – but didn’t! – say their “I love you’s.”  In 1:1 time with mom, AriE tells mom that he feels “solid, and like a team” with Other Becca whereas “with Orange Lauren I feel like I’m always trying to hold hands and reassure.”  Meanwhile, in 1:1 time between Other Becca and Dad, Dad tells her “either way, I’m fine with it,” meaning whether he pics 

Other Becca or Orange Lauren.

Other Becca:  “Well.  That wasn’t fun to hear.” 

Other Becca starts to cry a little (to the camera) because people keep asking her about Orange Lauren.  We feel bad for her, even though we hate her leather wedgy bootlets without socks.  But oooo, The Family concludes that AriE needs to be with Other Becca because he “needs a kick in the pants sometimes.”  Babies.   BABIES.  

We jump back to Chris Harrison, who is live watching the recording of the finale with a live studio audience.  He claps his hands together with glee and says, “WELL!  AriE can’t seem to decide which woman he loves more!”  We hate him.

Suddenly, he springs Caroline The Proclaimer on us, who in her 30 seconds of airtime fixes her hairy eyeball on our covered ones and whispers in a penetrating voice:  “What He Did was Unforgiveable.”   Thank you, Caroline.

But back to Chris Harrison, who brightly advises us all: “AriE is in a very bad place right now. Let’s find out if he made the biggest mistake of his life!” 

And SWOOSH, ABC takes us to Sacred Valley, Peru, where AriE is wearing our mother’s quilted jacket. 

Even worse, Orange Lauren is wearing a tiny white top, Leggings Which Once Again Are Not Pants, and Our Sister SHa’s Junior High jeans jacket.  The only thing missing is the bedazzled theater faces pin.   This is apparently appropriate attire to go to Machu Picchu on their own private train.

Sorry but we cannot get over the leggings.

AriE:  “I feel so lucky.”
Orange Lauren:  “Wow!”
AriE:  “You take my breath away.”
Orange Lauren:  “This is so neat!”
AriE: “This is so cool!”
Orange Lauren:  “Wow!”

This Author:  “That is a pretty extreme thigh gap.”
BMa:  “We noticed that last week but felt inappropriate to mention.”

As this date progresses to dinner, AriE says he keeps “talking himself out of a future with Orange Lauren” while Orange Lauren is “excited and not scared at all” and wants to “throw all my feelings out there and tell him how much I love him.” We grow tired because this revelation and plan take place on pretty much every date. 

While we muse why every woman needs to “lay it on the line” at the end of the date, BMa whispers across the miles:  “Orange Lauren’s sweater looks like a foreskin.”

This date concludes with everyone professing their undying love to everyone else and End Scene.   Oh, but not before Orange Lauren describes their ideal weekend together as “doing normal couple stuff” like hanging at the park, and AriE is delighted because it is “exactly how I envisioned it!” And also, he wants to have kids right away.

“You can drive my golf cart any time,” says Orange Lauren. OMG.

BAM we switch back to the Live Viewing Audience, where Sienne and Young B are on the sofa with Chris Harrison.  Sienne predicts “a lot of heartbreak.” And Young B says that if AriE is as conflicted as he claims, a proposal is the wrong thing to do.

This Author wants a snack.  But we made poor life choices yesterday and so now we can’t.  We regretfully nibble a fingernail and return to this slow motion train wreck.

ArIE is on his Dance For Your Life date with Other Becca and it is raining.  They wander around Peru and try on sweaters that we are pretty sure are exactly like the Irresponsibly Joyous sweater purchased by this Author in Nepal that Equally Joyously smelled like Yak.

“Let’s go pet these llamas,” AriE says. 

And the Alpaca (not Llama), for All Of Us Everywhere, is all:

This date is the same as with Orange Lauren, except that Other Becca worries that Orange Lauren is pretty much exactly what AriE has gone for in the past and therefore, may be what he goes for again.  Somewhere, we hear Caroline The Proclaimer cackle, and we shiver.  Anyway, this date basically proceeds as follows:

Other Becca:  “We could talk all night.”
AriE:  “I love that.”
Other Becca: “I made you a scrap book.”
AriE:  “I love that.”
Other Becca:  “I feel so close to you.”
AriE: “I love that.”

Also, he says he loves her too, and tells the camera he is in love with two women.  We cry horseshit.

But wait, here’s Chris Harrison again, with Peter Brady and Big Daddy.  WOW,  is that choice in poor taste (if you recall, gentle readers, Big Daddy picked Molly Who Will Not Age Well after dumping the woman he chose at the end of the show).  Big Daddy is like “dude, you gotta be you.”  Meh.

At last, it is the final Rose Ceremony Day! Everyone is drinking coffee!  And staring out the window!  Other Becca dons black lace and Orange Lauren turns herself into a literal lampshade by dressing herself in some kind of fringy white ensemble.

Suddenly ARiE is choosing a ring from Neil Lane and the heat turns on in our house and it smells like bacon.  Did we mention we want a snack?  A bacon snack.

But ABC is bouncing back and forth between the two cars with the two women and we are all atwitter wondering who will get out first until we scan the “live viewing audience” and discovery EVIL NICK in the house.  

BMa:  “I forget who he ended up with.”
This Author:  “We boycotted that season because he is a whore.”
AriE (interrupting both of us): “well this is going to be really terrible when I break up with this woman.” 

And the first woman out of the limo is . . . Orange Lauren.   Chris Harrison walks her down and this is going to be terrible.   This Author is hiding under a blanket as Orange Lauren talks on and on about their “trust” and “honesty” and “love.”

BMa:  “Stop Orange Lauren stop!  Read his face!”

But she doesn’t stop.  Instead she keeps going on and on about how AriE is the man she’s been looking for her whole life until he finally stops her and says there is “something holding me back and I can’t go through with it.” And therefore, The Big Dump occurs.

Orange Lauren, dumb-founded, is ushered towards the car where she asks AriE, “Uh, so why did you do that?”

AriE:  “I didn’t know what I was going to do until this morning.”
This Author, At A Pitch Heard Only By Dogs:  “OMG HE DID NOT KNOW UNTIL LIKE TWO HOURS AGO?”
BMa:  “Here comes the ugly cry.”

Chris Harrison:  “Wow.  So did he make a mistake?  We’ll find out later when we watch the first completely unedited television scene in bachelor history.”

This Author needs a bacon snack NOW.

But instead of bacon, we get Other Becca in sneaky mesh that looks like fleshes.  She is ready to start her life with AriE!  She is so happy!  She is ready to “do this [damn] thing!”  AND HE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE TO PROPOSE AND THIS IS TERRIBLE.

Him: “when are we going to start having babies?”
Her” tonight.”

Did that just happen?

Chris Harrison, with unholy glee: “Well, is this the end of the story? It sure doesn’t feel like it.”

And then we are into the third hour of Monday’s show, which is a video diary of AriE and other Becca happy together, and then less happy (on AriE’s end) as he says he cannot stop thinking about Orange Lauren.  And then even less happy when he decides to “call off the engagement.”  

But first he has to talk to Chris Harrison about his decision to call off the engagement before talking to Other Becca.  And also, film the entire thing.

Asshat.

So we watch.  We watch as AriE breaks Other Becca’s heart, and then won’t leave as she sobs on the sofa, repeatedly asking him to leave.  Of course he doesn’t because apparently he is the star of the show and we are all supposed to appreciate the fact that he completely ignores her wishes so that he could have more air time. 

Chris Harrison:  “I can only imagine, bachelor nation, what you’re going through right now.”

This Author: 

Chris Harrison: “[To maximize ABC’s shittiness and also my delight] we thought we would show you this with both cameras visible and running simultaneously.”

And it goes on and on with excruciating detail.  Eventually, ARiE leaves after revealing that he’s talked to Orange Lauren already.  But then he comes back in, and chases Other Becca down the hall, and tries to give her a shoulder rub (‘hey, are you ok?” –he asks this question and our brain explodes), and he is OUT OF HIS DAMN MIND.

This Author and BMa are both screaming at AriE to leave.  Other Becca is telling him to leave.  The viewing audience and also the Internet of Things is telling him to leave and finally, FINALLY he does for real. 

Somehow, Other Becca is a complete rock star through all of this, even though it’s pretty obvious she wants to do the ugly cry in the closet (and in fact attempts to do so with her mike off).

Chris Harrison, clapping his hands:   “To say this is trending and blowing up twitter is a gross understatement!!!” 

In this very moment, Chris Harrison is the leftover splatterjack belatedly discovered on the inside of the airport toilet after one has committed oneself to that stall.

So after like an hour of this, the camera cuts to the sofa beside Chris Splatterjack Harrison, and there sits Becca, stoic.  SO of course he asks “How hard is it to watch that back?” 

Really?  REALLY? 

Other Becca:  “I haven’t talked to AriE since that day and I have lots of feels.”

Chris Harrison, grinning:  “Well, you’re going to see AriE tomorrow, and Orange Lauren, because ABC gave us an extra two hours!  Isn’t that great!!”

We hate him.

So as you guessed it, there are two more hours of this stuff.

At this point, we are cutting to last night’s episode, because there is just no point in doing a separate blog.  And we are going to be brief, even though this episode was 2 hours long.

Caroline The Proclaimer is There, with daggers in her eyes:

We also have daggers as ABC replays the breakup we just watched a hot second ago.   And then we watch Becca travel home, in the airport, and then on a plane, and we hate that ABC did not even spring for a first class seat.  Instead, she gets stuck in a middle seat between dude with the neck pillow and other dude:

Meanwhile, AriE proclaims that “ NO ONE can really relate to what I’m going through.”

That’s right, Peter Pan man.  NO one in the entire world has ever ended a relationship or dumped someone for someone else, such as for example on national television *cough*BIgDaddy*cough*.

Which is why ABC brings him to talk to AriE.  Because that’s how low we have sunk.   He says, “don’t do this, unless you are 100% certain!”  Which apparently AriE is because ABC gifts unto us one of the more creative phallic images of recent vintage:

Still I rise, babies.  Still I rise.

AriE has flown back to Lauren’s parents’ house because “now, I really want to marry Lauren.”  And his biggest fear is not that he is making the wrong decision, but rather that it “doesn’t work out” and so he has “risked it all for nothing.”  That must make Orange Lauren, and also Other Becca, feel good.

At any rate, Orange Lauren runs into his arms.  She knows AriE ditched Other Becca because he hedged his bets and told her before coming to tell her he loves her.  So now he’s all “It’s been the hardest 6 weeks ever.”  Poor snowflake.  They talk and we don’t pay attention because we are angry and we know they get together anyway, especially when Orange Lauren says, “you have me, duh!”

You know what this Author doesn’t have?  Bacon.

Meanwhile, in Minneapolis, Other Becca is back at her apartment, reading her journal and crying.  That is basically This Author processing every major life change, so we aren’t going to throw stones.  

Before we take this shit show Up To Eleven, we see some Fan Favorites, including Young B:

Just . . . .no.

Also, Tia is taking a break from playing trumpet in a Mariachi band to also be here in person:

They all agree that AriE is just saying whatever he needs to say to get what he wants out of the woman in front of him, but also, that there was no problem with them showing the break up on television.  We are pretty sure they were paid to say that second part.

We further learn:

1.  AriE reached out to Orange Lauren via Social Media basically the same day AriE Part 1 aired.   

2. All of AriE’s comments about not knowing what Orange Lauren was going to do were inaccurate because he had already spoken to her and gotten reassurance before dumping Other Becca.

C.  Young B hopes that Orange Lauren “gets out of that as soon as possible. “   TRUTH.

Oh look, and now here is Other Becca.  When This Author was a child, we were gifted with a gold lame scarf that we thought was The Most Beautiful And Sophisticated Item that ever existed.  We would periodically drape it upon us to dance around our bedroom to Mame and also, A Touch Of Honey (records from our elderly neighbors).  But mostly, it sat in a drawer, Too Beautiful To Wear, until we lost it one day.

Well, we found it again:

We also learn that this entire experience has been “hard” for Other Becca, which has to be the biggest understatement ever.  But, it was just another part of her “story.”  Uh oh.  And further, there is a lot of fan love for her.  Double uh oh.

Next up: Other Becca has to come face to face with AriE.  For television. He arrives to very tepid golf claps.  Other Becca is basically awesome, and AriE is basically a dork, and the other women are cringing to hear him fall on his sword.

But we are not done because Big Daddy and his wife, Molly Who Will Not Age Well, have taken the stage and are like “um, dude, you should have broken up privately.”  And also “get away from this thing and work on your life together.”

Gah, and then AriE is back.  MAKE HIM GO AWAY.  But he doesn’t.  Instead, Orange Lauren comes out (Young B is now crying for her friend).  Next up for the ‘happy couple” is a vacation, followed by Orange Lauren moving to Arizona.  But first, he has to propose to Orange Lauren on television because he is a dick.

Young B, for All of Us:

Chris Harrison is like “gee, I did not see that coming!” even though he said, at the very beginning of the episode, that AriE would get engaged tonight before he caught himself.

And then:  Crisis.  The Bachelorette is starting this spring.  And it is Other Becca.  We don’t know if we are less excited that this is on again in like three months, or that Other Becca is the bachelorette.  

We may survive so long as she doesn’t say anything about doing any damn thing.

The other Part AriE Pledges rush the stage, and we get an eyeful from Tia:

This dress is like the cover of Odelay.

We love Odelay.  We hate this dress.

And then Other Becca just said “do the damn thing” and we are officially out.

Except five men come out who are going to be on the next season.  AND OUR FRIEND LNo VAGUELY KNOWS ONE OF THEM IT IS 2 DEGREES OF SEPARATION BABIES.

A.  Lincoln, with the accent.  And also, is spazzing out and also, needs to get off the stage. Except he calls AriE a “wanker” and is therefore our new best friend.

B. Chase.  Toothy.  Hopes to be the “open door” for her.  Meh.

C.  Oh no, a singer.  We would basically fall for him if we were 27 years old.  His name is Ryan.  He plays the banjo, and this is terrible.  

D.  Darius.  Excited for the journey, etc.

E. Blake, a dude with a horse named Bradley.  Whom Other Becca jumps onto in her gold lame dress, and we are off to the races.   Well, in May!!

-Peace,  

KLo

AriE Part 9: Andean Pipe Trauma

We begin Part 9 with an Andean pipe. Babies, this Tiny Author hates an Andean pipe with the fire of a thousand suns, possibly only slightly less than a jazz flute, the steel drum, and also, the gentleman who plays “Careless Whisper” on the saxophone outside a work office frequented by This Author.  In any event, said pipes are apparently to announce that we are all traveling to Ica, Peru with AriE, where “the desert meets the ocean.”

The first fantasy date is with Kendall in Paracas, where we watch her put on her mascara before discovering that AriE is going to take her into the dunes.  We start reflexively clawing at our eyeballs thinking about this date, and can only hope that Kendall does not wear contacts.  We are unaccountably relieved that, at the very least, she does not wear false eyelashes.

The big news is that this date is basically the romantical safari that our friend KZi and her colleague took This Author on in Dubai complete with riding a jeep through sand dunes causing Very Close Call Vomits.  They dune buggy around, which thrills Kendall (apparently an adrenaline junky) and causes AriE to Think Deep Thoughts:  

“Dune buggying is like relationships, you know?” says he. 
“There’s ups and downs and it’s scary and also, so exciting.” 

We feel like we are watching a LARP of an eighth grade English essay.

But wait, things are going to get even more like this Author’s Dubai trip because lo, they are now sand surfing on little skate boards without wheels.  We did that (we were terrible)!  Almost unconsciously, we start to look around for the camel rides, hookah smoking, and also, Turkish aged tourist in gold high tops who suddenly discovers an aptitude at belly dancing.

Sadly, none of these things appear.  Instead, we see the build in anxiety.  As AriE sets up a picnic in the sand, Kendall tells the camera that if he were to propose, she would say no because she is not ready.  This continues over dinner at the Tikki Hut, where Kendall cries about not being ready for marriage and we pretty much ignore all of it because she is wearing a red pantsuit and somehow pulling it off.

AriE reveals he has “never dated anyone like” Kendall, and also is curious about her.  We feel sad for Kendall as she says she is often a “novelty” in a relationship, and we are basically gearing up for The Big Dump when Kendall says she is falling in love with AriE and they kiss.  Wha??

This date ends in the fantasy suite, awkwardly perched on a tiny seat and then later, awkwardly perched on the bed, and with AriE saying that he “loves” kendall far too many times for comfort.  In the morning, ABC shows us an image of a bee pollinating a flower (for real), and also, clothes thrown everywhere.  We appreciate that Kendall is not wearing make up and wish she never did and also, wish that she would be the next bachelorette if we can’t have Young B.   

We are unprepared for the next date with Orange Lauren, who ABC also shows putting on makeup.  Full disclosure: This date is so boring we have large gaps where we just don’t remember what happened.  But before we lose all of our attention, Orange Lauren says she feels like she is “at her worst” with AriE because she’s so stressed.

Our theory is that this date is carefully tailored to avoid requiring Orange Lauren to carry a conversation.  Lo, for they are basically in a super loud crop duster viewing the Nazca lines, and then also, at a dramatic dinner that begins with Lauren’s trademark “wow.” 

The big news here is that AriE sees “an incredible woman,” but only “glimpses of” her under the walls Orange Lauren has built.  Also, he simultaneously says that it is fine that he needs to reassure her so much while fretting to the camera that he may spend so much time in said efforts that they never get to know each other.  

But once again, Orange Lauren dances for her life, saying that she loves him, that she battles herself all the time because the more she feels, the more she fears, and we are so distracted by her false eyelashes that we almost don’t hear her say that she was ready to give up on the relationship.  This spooks AriE, who confronts Orange Lauren about it, and we don’t pay any attention because we got a text and squirrel.  We return our attention to hear AriE say that he fell “quick and hard” for Orange Lauren, and everyone is crying, and AriE is saying  loves her over and over and we just cannot.

So the fantasy suite of course happens.  We leave them with Lauren sitting with her legs crossed yet bending forward to kiss AriE.  This is both uncomfortable and toot-provoking. 

In the morning, AriE is dressed like a retired professor going for a run at the outdoor calisthenics park:

We are just relieved that Orange Lauren has taken off the lashes and secretly wonder what the menfolk think about that.  Like surely the following is not part of every day conversation: “excuse me while I peel of my eyelashes.”  Or alternatively, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I am still the same but the lighting is different.”  Or is it just like “Oh yeah, my girlfriend took off her falsies, no biggie.”  Seriously, is no man thrown by this?

 After 100 more “I love you’s,” AriE climbs out of the grave he has nearly dug for himself in order to go on a date with Other Becca.

 AriE takes Other Becca to a rock that is shaped like a pelvis and which carries the weight of 1,000 shitting birds.  This place is apparently called Ballestas Island.  The smell must be horrendous, but we aren’t advised because instead AriE reveals that his relationship with Other Becca is the “safest, most comfortable” of the three.

Other Becca reveals that her past relationship was long distance for 3.5 years and tells us, The Viewers, that she is “so damn happy.”  We proceed to dinner in a giant plastic bag on the beach, also doubling as a tent with a dinner table inside it.  Here, we learn that she “for sure” loved her ex, but always had lots of doubts.  We also learn, perhaps for the fifth time, that AriE is worried he will pick the wrong person.  And also, that he loves Other Becca.  And that she loves him.  So basically, there are a lot of people loving a lot of other people this episode.

AriE presents the fantasy suite card, which Other Becca accepts, throwing this Author into crisis.  The fantasy suite is another tent in the middle of the desert.  Where is the bathroom? We repeat, WHERE IS THE BATHROOM??  For f**ks sake we now have 36 minutes left of this show and the sun is coming up on the tent and Other Becca is talking about being a “lucky girl” and we are still frantically looking around for the bathroom in this hut.

Also, what, if anything, is Other Becca wearing under her conspicuously short robe?

So this date ends, and we go on to The Big Drama of this episode, which is an oxen named Ross coming to “claim” Other Becca, his ex girlfriend.  You know, because this show has been going for nine weeks and he only just realized that it ends in a proposal and only  had an issue with it upon that realization.

This is pretty awkward and painful.  Ross says that he would have swum the seas and walked the desert to come for Other Becca, but instead does a detour by AriE’s house, where he ‘wants to talk.”  

He tells AriE (who thought Ross was the hotel manager ha ha) that Other Becca is the love of his life and that he wants to marry her, even though the broke up a year ago.  Also, she is the “girl” of his life, the “dream” of his life, and clearly, “the one for me.” 

AriE is like “well, we’ve been in this thing for awhile and told each other we love the other, so if she doesn’t pick you I’d like to ask that you respect our relationship.”  We feel that this is reasonable.  

And we rapidly feel worse for Other Becca, who is clearly over this guy and just wants to be done, and he keeps popping up like whackamole.   She does not let him in, but instead talks to him on the stairs with a producer balanced awkwardly on his toes behind her trying to avoid being in the shot.

Eventually Ross leaves empty handed, realizing he has no place there.  Other Becca then trots down to reassure AriE that she is all in with him, but AriE needs to “process.”   

 Suddenly we are at the rose ceremony and we are having some feelings.

You know those websites that show what happens when you buy your prom dress online? Yeah, we need to have a talk with Other Becca:

We don’t know what is happening with this doily curtain but it is making us very uncomfortable.

However, Orange Lauren is acceptable in red and Kendall is in a super cute black dress.

Clearly, she is going to get the axe.

And that is exactly what happens.  AriE walks past a randomly tethered horse to the rose ceremony, where he promptly pulls Kendall aside and gives her The Big Dump because while he has fun with her, he “just doesn’t know.”  They hug and laugh about it a little sadly, and then she says she has a lot of love for him and gets in the limo, where she reveals that this was hard because it was so close to what she wanted, and just unfortunate that their connections started so late.  TEAM KENDALL. 

So AriE comes back and gives roses to Orange Lauren and Other Becca.  Meh.  And then we learn that the finale next week will be THREE HOURS.

Tears and sadness.

-KLo

AriE Part Women Tell All: The Wing/Tender Paradox

This past week, our sister ERo had a client who offered, very kindly, to pick up the chicken that someone had dropped inside the front entrance of ERo’s work establishment.   “Can I please have a tissue?” said he.  “Of course,” said she.  Only cue the screaming because said chicken was, in fact, a giant dookie.

We have so many questions.

1.  Was it a wing or a tender?

2.  What was this client’s experience with chicken to cause such confusion?

3.  Does this client use BBQ sauce on his chicken and did that in part lead to his confusion?

4.  How does one drop a Stealth Dookie in the middle of a business establishment?

At any rate, the colleague who also grew up on a pig farm got to clean that one up because she has Seen Things, not, unlike now, Our Sister.

So we find ourselves pondering the Wing/Tender Paradox as we face the steamy pile that is the Women Tell All.  Gentle Readers, this is the FIRST PART of a two part series this week.  But we are reasonably confident that we will, in fact, get to the second part by Saturday for lo, this Tiny Author is At A Conference and we like You all more than we like mingling.

In any event, we look back at “memorable moments in Women Tell Alls in the Past” and we have no memory of any of them.  We then meet the women of this season, none of whom we remember except Coach Krystal, Jacqueline, Bibiana, Sienne, Twitter, Young B, The Mother, and Tia. 

Under the heading ‘competition in the house,’ we hear various snarky remarks, including but not limited to The Mother claiming that AriE was learning how to do, er, sexy items in college while Young B was still finger painting.  We then cut to Young B dancing around in the grass like The Hills Are Alive, as if this somehow is proof positive of her infantile age.  Babies, This Author STILL leaps around in public, which may be reason why This Author’s Employer Does Not Let Her Get Out Much.  And also, The Mother has no spirit.

Next up, we discuss “glam shaming.”  As Marique complains about feeling glam shamed, a Millenial who got cut the first night bellows from the back “GLAM SHAMING IS NOT A THING.”  Millenials are going to save us all, babies. 

And then we have Coach Krystal. 

As some of you know, This Author does not speak the same language as our family in law.  And there is a point in family-related vacations during which our beloved husband and in-laws suddenly become a gaggle of chickens sweeping in and out of the room because this Author is language fatigued. 

That Chicken Gaggle Moment occurred again during the Coach Krystal moment.  We barely hear the first “pfweee” (which, incidentally, is not much of a pfweee) before the women attack.  Finally as the chaos simmers down, Olivia Whom We Don’t Remember is like “What’s up with your voice??? Why were you all Pfweeee on the show but now you talk normally?”

Coach Krystal :  “I had lost my voice.”

The Women:  “FOR SIX WEEKS?”

And then Coach Krystal deflects by tearfully declaring that as a result of her being an asshat on this show, her brother came off the streets. 

Chris Harrison, for All of Us:  “Well . . . that’s the best thing that has come out of this.”

Next up, Sienne, who is wearing this:

What is up with the white armband?   We know that we are barreling towards fascism in this country because everyone has lost their damn minds, but still.

Also, we did not take a picture but this monstrosity ties at the neck.

The big take-away here is that Sienne appears to be in running to be the next Bachelorette.  Because this happens:

Chris Harrison:  “How do men handle your many accomplishments (Harvard, etc)?”
This Author [SPEWING WITH RAGE]:  “AS IF YOUR LADY ACCOMPLISHMENT IS SOMETHING A MAN HAS TO HANDLE.”
Sienne:  [dippy eyes]:  “I hope, one day, that I can find a man who values them.  Oh, I am so ready to find love!”

We like Sienne, but that is going to be a super boring season filed with questionable outfits.

Oh, how we wish, instead, that Young B were the next Bachelorette.  She takes the “hot seat” following Sienne and astutely observes that AriE basically piled all his own fears about being too OLD for her onto Young B by making it so much about her age, as if she were too YOUNG.   And then, to the sadness of everyone, Chris Harrison announces that Young B is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.  “This is my mom’s worst nightmare” she says with a serious face, and we know she is not kidding.  Why, Young B, why??

Last up we have Tia, who has forgotten her pants:

Let’s look at that again: 

How is this even possible?  As this Author whispered to our friend BMa, if Tia from Wiener had a Wiener, it would be free balling below this dress. 

Also, ooooo Tia is giving Sienne a run for her money in the fight for Bachelorette status.  Gentle Readers, she now sees “what I deserve” and she is “definitely ready to fall in love again, for sure.” 

Finally, AriE takes the stage.  Tia tearfully confronts AriE about the end of their relationship and Jacqueline, who is our favorite person ever, voluntarily clarifies for the record that AriE was supportive of her getting her PhD, and she wanted the world to know it because he got some unnecessary flack by the way the show was edited.  As for Young B, AriE agrees that he got in his head after she revealed her age.

And then Caroline, whom we had forgotten, pins AriE to the wall and says;  “You say you were there to find love.  But . . I know what you did.  And I don’t know how you could do that.  I really I hope you find what you are looking for.” 

OOOOOOO.

AriE is like “um, I think it will all play out in the next couple weeks.”

So that is weird.  And also, quickly swept under the rug by more Coach Krystal drama, as she tries to have a moment to soften things with AriE since their break up “felt cold.”  AriE basically hands Coach Krystal her butt and blocks her from hugging him.  Well played, AriE .

After some bloopers etc. we are done. 

Stay tuned for . . . later this week as this Author catches up on Round 2 of last week.

Ciao, Babies!

-KLo