Peter Brady Part 4: Because Palm Springs.

Babies, we are in Palm Springs this week.  So far, we have seen a baby named “RenEsmee” because Twilight, viewed a great deal of luxury vehicles, bought bigger pants, and stumbled across this:

As Peter Brady Part Pacific Time is Brutal begins, we learn that everyone is going to Vegas.  SQEEEEL.  As the women run around packing, someone says there are “not a lot of us” (12?  15?), and another person says there is a “weird vibe.”  The twins are thrilled because they are actually FROM Vegas.   But Olivia.  Oh Olivia, is “coming from a place of confidence.”  We are mostly interested in the fact that ABC now lists her as “24.” She either had a birthday or they’re inching her stated age back to when Christ was born, episode by episode.

 After Peter Brady drives a classic car down the strip, we see the women making fools out of themselves when a billboard lights up with “Can’t wait to see you soon, Love Ben.”  Jo Jo declares this the “most romantic thing ever,” and we question her judgment (more on that later).  The Dern, gentle readers, “feels like a baller.”  Soon they are running around a luxury suite at the Aria when the first date card comes for Jo Jo:  “You set my heart on fire.”  Ooo.  Maybe they are going to set EACH OTHER on fire.

Blah blah Olivia:  “I am not threatened by anyone. Ben is my peace.  I’m Zen with Ben.”
This Author’s Mother:  “Make her stop.”
(This Author’s Father has abandoned us and is now reading a book, after declaring “I have tried to watch that show and it is physically painful.”).

Peter Brady picks up Jo Jo, and we try to become excited for this date because at least she is not blonde.

“Jo Jo = generic composite of bachelor women,” whispers ABe across the miles.

But then we are distracted because we discover the black ballet skirt which has agreed to hang, FOR NOW, on A Portion of Jo Jo’s chest.   We gasp further when we discover that it is tied in the back but otherwise completely open. It’s like Jo Jo could not decide between a skirt or shorts for this date, so she decided to wear both In Different Areas.

We see no use for this top except to show off Jo Jo’s spray tan.  This Author got a spray tan once.  It was like an episode of “Naked and Afraid.” 

Peter Brady takes Jo Jo to the middle of a parking lot, where they lean on a bar table and drink champagne.  But soon, a helicopter shows up.   The champagne falls to the ground, the glasses shatter, and soon Jo Jo and Peter Brady are crouching behind a table like they in the middle of a bar fight trying to dodge bullets. 

This causes them to feel romantical:

The women see this happening, which shatters Olivia, “it’s really scary because I see him as my husband like, for real, and he kisses her. “  Oh Olivia, do you know what is scary?  Bigger pants.  Go find some.

We don’t see much of Peter Brady’s date with Jo Jo.  He takes her to a random sofa in what appears to be The United Club and then they talk in ellipses:
Her:  “Excitement, nerves  . . .”
Him:  “Openhearted. . . “
Her:  “Guard down . . . stuff in past . . . last relationship ended FIVE MONTHS ago . . .”
Him:  “Marriage. . . Ready?. . . “
Her:  “Absolutely. . . Insecure.”

She gets the rose and they run up to the top of the building, where they paw each other and watch fireworks.  She gets the rose.  The other women see the fireworks and are not happy.

Girl #1:  “Are those fireworks?!?”
Girl Collective: “Nooooooooo.”
KMu:  “Like someone is dying.  WTF.”

We learn that Olivia feels like Peter Brady is her “husband” and she is being “cheated on.” 
We don’t care because this has happened with our mother:

Back at the house, Date Card #2 comes for:  Alvin and All of the Chipmunks, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren LaurEN, Vaguely Black Amber, Leah, the Dern, Jennifer, Unemployed Rachel, aaaaand Olivia.  Hemingway’s name is not on the card, and Olivia looks like she is going to cut us through the television like our Neighbor Dennis.

Peter Brady reveals that he is taking them to A VENTRILOQUIST named Terry Fator.  Everyone knows who this person is except this Author, who is Does Not Believe in Talking Dolls.  Mr. Fator reveals that the women are going to “show Ben your Special Talents.”

ABe:  “This right here is why I would never do reality television.”
KMu:  “This is the only reason???”
Lauren LaurEN:  ‘Crap, I have no talent.  Like, I have zero talent.”
Jennifer:  “I don’t think most people have talents here.”

But surprise!  The twins can Irish Dance, which is possibly the most awesome thing ever.  We are starting to love the twins, who are now also one year older, according to ABC:  23.  And double surprise, Jubilee can play the cello!    

Meanwhile, the Dern puts on a chicken suit and Olivia discovers a showgirl’s bedazzled bra set and headdress.   This Author is embarrassed to admit that we have worn Both Of These Items or Very Similar in public at some point in our life.  So.

No one really knows what Olivia’s talent is, but we, along with the other 1,200 in Terry Fator’s audience, are going to find out together.  “Bam, Shabam,” says she.  We eye her even more suspiciously, as she has now donned one of those metallic shawls that marathon runners get at the finish line.

After River Dance, cello, some juggling, a clown, and a song in a chicken outfit (we’ve done that too, Gentle Readers), a cake is wheeled on stage.  NO.  NOT A CAKE.  NOT THE CAKE.  It squeaks open on one unoiled hinge and we are suddenly accosted with this:

As the most awkward dance by the most inflexible woman continues . . . :

There is not enough wine.  THERE IS NOT ENOUGH WINE.

We drink in silent salute to The Great Equalizer:  Rhythm. 

Olivia gets off stage and promptly has a “panic attack.”  She is comforted by the Chicken.
“Why am I on camera?  Can’t I just have a moment off camera?” she asks.
“Says the tv anchor turned reality tv personality,” says KMu.
“I wanted to scream ‘marriage material,’ but I did not,” Olivia concludes.  No, honey, you did not.

After this tragedy, Peter Brady takes the group someplace outside by a pool.  Unemployed Rachel is “stoked.”  Caila, in formal shorts, declares that she would feel “special” to get the group date rose, and so she does her best to earn it by sitting in Peter Brady’s lap and sticking her tongue down his throat.  Peter Brady declares her a “sex panther,” and we are horrified. 

Olivia is still concerned:  “It is really embarrassing tonight.  I might be done.”
Our Mother:  “If we could only hope.”

Peter Brady has 1:1 time with the Dern, telling her that she was the “cutest chicken” and prompting her to kiss a muppet.  We like her, but we don’t like her.  Unfortunately, we are not able to get over our confusion before, once again, Olivia has stolen Peter Brady away.

Olivia, for once speaking for All Of Us: “I need to drink, heavily.” 

And then she continues:  “I just had a COMPLETE breakdown.  It was just so awful. I did not feel comfortable.  I did something I never in a million years.”   This Author is really tired of Olivia talking about herself.  But she just keeps talking, even as Peter Brady tells her not to be embarrassed and then changes the subject.    As a twin interrupts them, Olivia tells the camera that she is now scared and feels she “bombed” everything because the “didn’t even kiss.”  Make it Stop.

Next up:  Lauren LaurEN, in a tiny halter top and white skirt.  She declares that she has been “in love, but not this scared to be in love” and how it is “hard to navigate those feelings.”  Oh!  She is living with “all these amazing women,” (you know, the ones without any talent), and “why would Peter Brady ever fall for little old me out of all these women.”  BLECH.

Five minutes later, Olivia is stalking Peter Brady again.  As he talks to Emily, she notes Olivia’s presence and begins to stand up. “NO KEEP GOING,” says Peter Brady somewhat desperately. It doesn’t work. Olivia wheedles Peter Brady into kissing her, which now makes her feel confident. 

Unfortunately for Olivia, Lauren Lauren gets the rose on this date.

“I grabbed him and we had this great, valuable time, and then he didn’t give me the rose?” says Olivia. 
We. Are. Exhausted.

Back at the house for date #3, a big box has arrived for Hemmingway.  It is a wedding dress. 
Hemingway feels like a “blushing bride.” 
Jubilee is more sanguine: ‘She’s really pretty, but if she hasn’t lost it in 26 years, I doubt she’s going to in 6 hours.” 

Hemingway is escorted to the Little White Chapel, where Ben gets down on one knee and proposes that they “marry other people together.”  Because he’s ordained now.  And so, suddenly masquerading as hip and accessible youth pastors at a Mega Church (Him:  shirt unbuttoned, relaxed jeans.  Her:  Doily dress, soft hair), they marry a series of couples, including at least one man in a tuxedo shirt.

Peter Brady ends this date at a quarry cesspool,  abandoned coal mine, mausoleum for old Hollywood signs.  This is really terrifying.  He wants to know, “Can she love?  Can she feel?  Can she commit?”

Is she a robot?

He begs her “please feel.”  And they have a discussion about faith and virginity, which is exactly the conversation This Author would have with a paramour in the dead of night surrounded by neon signs.  They kiss and make “vows” to each other.  He vows to look in her eyes when they talk, smile when appropriate, laugh when its awkward.  She vows to “always tell you that you are great” and to express her feelings when she has them.

She gets the rose.

Because it is now nearly 1 am in this Viewer’s time zone and our eyes are gritty, Chris Harrison then springs a *surprise* fourth date on this episode.  That’s right:  Even though it is now the day of the rose ceremony, Peter Brady wants to see the twins in their natural habitat.   We think he is done dating twins.  And so do the twins, who we actually like now even though they are really young.

He takes the twins home to see their mother, who is fabulous.  Haley shows him her room, where she still has multiple photos of her old boyfriend on display.  Emily and he lay on her bed and talk.  We are most interested in her dog, who speaks for all of us right in this moment:

Basically, he dumps Haley at her house, and keeps Emily.  We are mostly distracted by the fact that it looks like both of them have broken thumbs.

Finally, it is the rose ceremony.  Unemployed Rachel is wearing some kind of long crazy red dress, and Olivia is AGAIN thinking about how she needs to “grab Peter Brady right away.”  Fortunately, Jennifer swoops in first.  We like Jennifer and her nice normal face, but we don’t know anything about her.  At any rate, soon Olivia is barreling down.

She has pilfered some cheesecake somewhere and declares that her “talent is eating cake.”  And then talks about herself some more.  Blah blah, “not herself this week.” Code:  “Please discount the crazy train that is me.”   And then she goes in for the sell:

Her: “I am completely falling for you.  Olivia is here for you.  I am not going anywhere.”
KMu: “Paid for by the SuperPAC to elect Olivia the Bachelorette.”

She kisses Peter Brady, and then spreads her evil:

Olivia to Jo Jo:  “I told him that I loved him.”
 Jo Jo: “I can’t believe you told him that.  I would never say that if it wasn’t reciprocated.”
Olivia:  “IT WAS reciprocated.”   

She. Is. Evil.

Blah blah Peter Brady kisses Caila, Hemingway, and Alvin and all of her chipmunks.  He reassures Jubilee of her fabulousness for the 1,000^th time.  Then, to the great relief of this Author, Peter Brady is ready to hand out the roses. 

 Joining Jo Jo, lauren LaurEN, and Hemingway with roses is. .. .

1. Alvin and all the Chipmunks.
2. The Dern
3. Jubilee
4. Emily 

[Olivia:  “I read a lot of romance novels where everything just comes together in the end.”  So she’s pretty sure that is going to happen here.  Because that’s how real life works.]

5. Someone – we miss it because we are annoyed at Olivia. 
6. Jennifer 

7. Leah, aaaaaaand: 

8. Oliva. 

Vaguely black amber and unemployed Rachel get the axe.  Noooooo. 

Stay tuned for next week, when Olivia declares that this is like an episode of “teen mom” because Alvin and all of her chipmunks has children, and we are pretty sure someone cuts her. 

-KLo

Peter Brady Part 3: Literally.

We begin Peter Brady Part 3 with an announcement from ABe:   “It’s MLK Day.  That means you have to be nice to black people today.”   We suspect this is because she doesn’t want this Author to tell you that she reported having “Aten” a bunch of cookies.   It’s ok, ABe:  we’ve all got to get our vocabulary warmed down for the Bachelor.

SO, let’s get to it:  This was pretty much the Most Boring Episode Ever. 

We start at The House, where some girls are gossiping that Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes for the show.  This Author suspects she knows from where.  The other day, we received a clothing magazine in the mail called something like “Vixen” or “Venus.”  And inside, we discovered every outfit ever worn on the Bachelor.  We are regretting not saving This Best Magazine Ever as Illustrative Photo Material for this Blog, but are confident it will come in the mail again.  ANYWAY, as the baby women discuss Olivia’s wardrobe, Olivia is advising the camera that she “just wanna hold his hand and kiiisss him.”

Chris Harrison breaks in with some Entirely Unexpected News:   There will be three dates on this episode:  two 1:1 dates and a group date.  He presents the first date card, which reads “The Sky’s the Limit.”  Aaaaand, it’s for the flight attendant, Lauren B. 

“She looks 12 years old,” says ABe. 
“She looks like Lauren LaurEN,” concludes This Author.  Or at least, a 12 year old version of the Bush who married a LaurEN. 

Peter Brady has a “great date planned” for Lauren LaurEN, who has “stood out to me since the minute she walked out of the limo” and should stand out again because she is wearing jean shorts and some kind of. . .
“Top/Not Top,” offers ABe.

It’s like a ruffle on some string. 

We next learn that ABC has found Amelia Earhart’s plane and decided to fly Peter Brady and Lauren LaurEN inside of it to see if they might also die.  They go to the airport, where they spend the day doing stunt turns in this 100 year old airplane and pretending to have fun.  Gentle Readers, this Author once went on a Desert Safari somewhere around Dubai, which (in part) involved riding in these ridiculous range rovers to a Desert Bellydancing Concert.  But before we got to it, we had to go up and down the dunes in those damn range rovers because someone must have told the Safari People that Westerners think that’s fun.

The Sea of Vomits in which this Author’s teeth were floating, is Not To Remain Untold.

Lauren LaurEN is not similarly affected.  She claims to feel like a “little kid” with Peter Brady.  (Really? REALLY?!?)  Peter Brady thinks she is making this date “so much more amazing” than previously expected, and informs her that he “likes the view” where she is sitting.  They kiss, and it is horrible. 

KMu provides analysis:  “It’s not him.  It’s her. What is going on there? This is NOT a good kiss.”

Then we come to a hot tub in the middle of a field.

“This is the time that we say a prayer for the poor interns that have to lug that,” says KMu. 

But our minds are on other matters.   One time, a group of this viewer’s college friends discovered a little pool that appeared to no longer be maintained at the hotel in which they were staying in the Dominican Republic.  And only upon swimming in it did they discover the Snickers Bar/NOT Snickers Bar swimming with them.

We look around wildly for the Snickers.

To the tune of a Spanish guitar, Lauren LaurEN changes into a bikini behind some trees and enters the hot tub.  KMu rightfully wonders if it is not, in fact, a bikini, but a training bra that Lauren LaurEN just purchased with her mother.   We don’t know, because they are kissing again and we want it to stop. And also, what if there is a Snickers in there???

At last it is dinner.  The only think you need to know is that Lauren LaurEN is wearing this:

It is white halter.  With a doily on top that is gathered up around the tuckus and also, with the fringies.   But Peter Brady is In Hots with Lauren LaurEN, and wants to know what her life is like because he has a tendency to “dive in full force.” 

“I like really simple things.” Says Luaren LaurEN.
Talking.  Not Talking.  Soup.
“My dad is the simplest of guys.  He is obsessed with his yard.” She continues.
“How has a dude not snatched you up already?” wonders Peter Brady.

The most interesting part of this whole thing is Peter Brady telling Lauren LaurEN about his father needing an unexpected triple bypass surgery, and how he saw in his mother’s eyes, at that moment, the love she had for him but also her fear of losing him.  Oh Peter Brady that is some hard stuff.  And also, please don’t marry anyone from this show.  Go back to Warsaw.  Meet a nice woman at the Dairy Queen who can handle Indiana winters and also, drive a pontoon boat.

But Peter Brady continues to be smitten.  He tells Lauren LaurEN “I just spent the day with you, and not only did I get the gift of looking at you and laughing with you. . .”

 If this Author had a dollar for every time her coworkers told her that, we would have zero dollars but we know they secretly think it.

 Blah blah she gets the rose.  And then they go dance in a barn (???) to some woman named Lucy Angel who has a very, er, involved makeup artist. Peter Brady, listening to her lyrics and dancing with Lauren LaurEN, feels “changed” by the woman.  We at the BNU feel changed by her dress.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Calia Is crying because “it’s just hitting me that there are amazing people here, and like, I don’t want to be guarded, but like, it’s going to be hard.” 
“Have you ever WATCHED THIS SHOW?” says ABe.

As she gets herself together, the group date card comes for:  Alvin and All the Chipmunks, Hailey (Twin), Jennifer, Shushanna, Event Planner Leah, Vaguely Black Amber, The Dern, Olivia, Jami, Lace, Unemployed Rachel, and Emily (Twin).  “Love is the goal,” it says.

Suddenly, the women are spilling out of a limo at the LA coliseum in athletic clothing.

This Author, as some of you know, has some Mennonite tendencies which May or May Not involve thriftiness in Certain Areas.  One of those areas is our athletic gear, because this author has never understood why one must be cute at the gym.   Except now our athleticy pants are like, 15 years old and, when worn with a crumbling t-shirt that says “Staff of 98,” or, even further in the Way Back Machine, “Boston Ballet,” take it A Bridge Too Far even for this Author.  So we look with interest at the Athletic Items Adorning The Young People these Days.  And immediately become depressed.  At least they won’t get lost in the dark, so bright is the dayglow.

This is apparently a soccer date.  And to teach them mad soccer skillz Peter Brady presents Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Neil from the US National Team.   As we are fan girling over these women and their NORMAL ATHLETIC CLOTHES, the following occurs during a practice drill:

The Dern:  “I have zero ball handling skills.”
This Author:  “Ahahahhaha.”
Alex/Kelly:  “I am surprised how few of [the women] have foot skills.”
KMu:  “Do any of them have any skills? . . . Of Any kind?”

Chris Harrison comes out in a referee shirt and divides the women up into “team stars” and “team stripes.” The winning team gets to continue the date with Peter Brady, which The Harrison just called “the Cup.”

The Stars begin with this chant:  “Star light, star bright, we’re gonna win Ben tonight!”  We believe they should immediately be disqualified. 

The game continues as expected, with Lace (the goalee for team stripes) conceding the first point because she didn’t know she could PICK UP THE BALL.  “My Bad,” she says. 

Emily (Twin) ends up being a beast of a goalie (team Stars), and we look at  her in a new light.  We like Beast Emily.  Meanwhile, Unemployed Rachel (team Stars) gets injured, and Olivia (team Stripes) decides to take advantage of it, but it is ultimately Jami the Bartender that scores the winning goal for Team Stripes.  People are crying.  “That was like a girl fight,” concludes Unemployed Rachel as she limps from the field.

 The survivors go to a cocktail party, where Peter Brady is wearing a weird leather jacket, and Hailey (Twin) is wearing giant chandeliers for earrings.
“Iiiiii, wanna swing, from the chandelieeeeeeeer,” sings KMU.
“1, 2, 3.  1 2, 3 drink.” Thinks this Author as she eyes her wine.

Olivia steals Peter Brady away to talk. “People find me intimidating, but I’m not,” she insists, as she leans in.

They kiss.

KMu acknowledges that Olivia is excellent at manipulating this game, but ABe has just discovered something we cannot get over:

“Olivia is 23 year old,” ABe says.

WHAT?

Girl looks at least 30. And also, that explains a lot.

The other women don’t like Olivia, and gossip behind her back:  “I think her boobs are fake and her breathe is terrible,” someone says. Someone else criticizes her toes as ugly.  Jami the Bartender gets mad about this, and tells Olivia because that always helps. And then this happens:

Jami:  “Some girls were, like, critiquing your body.”
Olivia:  “Let me guess, my calves.”
Jami:  “No…”
Olivia:  “My cankles?”

OMG JUST STOP GUESSING, OLIVIA. 

Jami:  “Like . . your toes.  Your toes aren’t cute.”
Olivia (to the camera later):  “Do I have bad toes?  I know I do.  I hate my toes.” 

We cannot believe this is happening.

While Olivia is worrying about her Cankles, Vaguely Black Amber is continuing the monologue that she began at the beginning of this season, complaining that she hasn’t had enough time with Peter Brady and that she is worried about what it might mean, while doing exactly nothing about it.  And she utters the most pathetic line ever:  “If it takes me two seasons on the Bachelor to find someone who loves me, it’s worth it.”  Oh, Honey.  Go take a watercolor class. 

Naturally in the end, she gets the rose on this date.

At last, date card #3 comes, saying “Love is in the Air.”  And it is FOR JUBILEE.  History is being made, people, even though we know that what probably happened is this:

KMu:  “Now I’m going to out-cynic the cynic.  They probably gave this rose to Peter Brady with an explanation that it needed to go to the black woman because the episode is airing on MLK day.”

We get a little nervous for Jubilee right from the start because, by this point, we have endured various melt-downs from her where she is worrying if she is worth it to Ben, and about how difficult it is for her to open up.  So when Peter Brady shows up and she acts a little odd and also not very excited for the date, we start to get the Nervous Sweats.

Jubilee is, in the words of Jami the Bartender, a little “awko-taco” today.  But we like her outfit, however, which involves A Linen Pants.

As a helicopter arrives to pick Jubilee and Peter Brady up from the compound, Jubilee makes an off-hand comment/bad joke to the other women about “anyone else want to go on my date” because she is afraid of heights.  We only mention this because of the ShitStorm that later ensues.

Anyway, they soon arrive at “a whole big miniature castle,” in the words of Jubilee, where there is a giant table of delicious looking food.  Peter Brady offers Jubilee caviar, which neither of them has tried but Jubilee promptly spits into a napkin.

“What’s your favorite food?” asks Peter Brady.
“I’m obsessed with hot dogs,” Says Jubilee.
“I like foot longs,” Whispers KMu.
“Is this really happening you guys?” demands ABe.

Eventually, Jubilee relaxes and we start to like her.  She reveals how surprised she was that Peter Brady picked her, and they play shuffleboard and joke around.  We just feel bad for her because she so clearly has so many insecurities.  

As they get into the hot tub, we suddenly discover that ABC has super-imposed our innermost thoughts about this moment into the backdrop of the show.

DAMMIT ABC GET OUT OF OUR MINDS.

Anyway, off we go to dinner, where Peter Brady tells Jubilee that she’s been a lot more open and honest with him than other people on this show, and she has “no idea how refreshing it is.”  And then she breaks all of our hearts by revealing that she was in an orphanage, apparently in Haiti, because her entire family died except her.  And that while her past is horrible, she is still grateful for it because it made her who she is today, and she likes who she is today. We have no words. 

She gets the rose on this date.

A new day dawns for the rose ceremony, and the ShitStorm hits.  Basically, the last hour of this show may be summarized as:  The other girls hate Jubilee and decide to take her down.  They blow up her comment about other folks going on her date, criticize her separateness from the rest of the house, and so on and so forth.

ABe:  “I am just trying to understand why they all hate her.”
KMu:  “Scene:  Middle School Girls’ Cafeteria.”

As the rose ceremony starts,  Peter Brady comes into the room all shaken up and announces that he just received a phone call saying that two people he was close to, died in a plane crash the prior night.  WAIT A MINUTE WE KNOW THIS.  We at the BNU determine that he must be referring to the plane crash that killed several people on the way to the Notre Dame – Clemson game this past season.  Oh Peter Brady, come back to Indiana! 

Mr. Brady advises the women that he’s feeling pretty down, but he’s reminded of why he is here – to find someone to sit and talk with when things like this happens.

Olivia interrupts him:  “Can I grab you?”
Beast Emily, the twin who has risen from the ashes of twindom like a phoenix to claim this Viewer’s position as Favorite for this Moment, describes this moment:  “Can I steeeeal you?”

   

And then this happens:

Olivia to Peter Brady:  “I really hate my legs from the waist down.  People have written blogs about how I have cankles.  And . . . . sorry [for she is CRYING now], I try to be strong all the time, but . . . it’s the scariest thing ever.”

ABe, KMu, AND this Author must pick ourselves off the floor. 

“That’s not really what I needed at the moment,” says Peter Brady to the camera.

Jubilee, filled with anxiety about how her relationship with the other women “isn’t the best,” makes it worse by giving Peter Brady a massage. This is admittedly awkward, but certainly no worse than Olivia’s reaction and at least makes Mr. Brady feel better.  But the other women are furious.  Jami the Bartender approaches Jubilee while this is happening, and Peter Brady says “that was just incredible; it’s like my favorite thing in the world.”  So Jami sucks in her teeth and marches back to the other women, who determine that the massage thing was “just rude.”  Jami then seeks out Jubilee to TELL HER because that seems like a good idea:  “We want to talk to you. There’s a bunch of us.”  Jubilee, in turn, says she’s “not doing a girl chat” and marches upstairs to the bathroom to avoid them all.

At this point, we are feeling sorry for Jubilee, who is trying to avoid drama in a house she cannot leave.  THEN Peter Brady finds Jubilee, which enrages the women more, so Jami takes it upon herself to corner Jubilee AND Peter Brady in the bathroom and do a little speech about how Jubilee’s comment about going on the date “Literally hurt a lot of girls.” 

“Like, stabbed them.” Says KMu. “Literally.”

Peter Brady gently shuts Jami down but telling her that he would like Jubilee to be herself, but now LACE has dragged Peter Brady off into a corner and hiccupping and crying.  All of this may be summarized by the following:

Lace: “Like my tattoo says, “you can’t love someone else without loving yourself.” 
She self-selects herself out of the gene pool.

After saying goodbye to her, we turn to the remaining women.  One of the twins is wearing a “Rhinestone Cleavage curtain,” in the words of ABe and KMu.  And Shushanna is wearing a pants suit “because Russian.”

Joining Lauren LaurEN, Vaguely Black Amber, and Jubilee with Roses, Peter Brady Picks.

1. The Dern

2. Alvin and All of the Chipmunks

3. Hemingway

4. Haley (twin)

5. Beast Emily

6. Unemployed Rachel

7. Caila.

 8. Jo Jo (horrible voice)

9. Jennifer, wearing some kind of Kleenex twisty dress.

10. Leah the event planner

11. Olivia.  Who is 23 YEARS OLD.  WE STILL CANNOT GET PAST THIS.

“One of the biracial bar tenders” (in the words of ABe) gets cut, which we think is Jami. She “feels like she LITERALLY just got smaked across the face.”  Literally.  And her takeaway lesson is “don’t ever expect anything from humans.”  Literally.  Shoshanna also gets the axe, joining Lace (self-selected). 

But ABe is still not over Jami: “If you come from resources, you are generally going to get out of life what you put into it. But if you want to be miserable, you will be.  Look at me waxing philosophical about this dumbass show.”

And on that note, we leave you.  Stay tuned for next week, Gentle Readers, which I will be blogging from California, having abandoned ABe and KMu in the snow and bitterness.  

- KLo 

Peter Brady Part 2: Because Science!!

Babies, ABe had The Vomits this week but still came to See Us for Peter Brady Part 2.  That is commitment.  But soon, we are both having The Vomits because everyone is saying Peter Brady is “The Greatest Man.”  And also the “Greatest in the Planet of History.” (this from one of The Twins).  Jo Jo the Bartender That We Like In Spite Of Ourselves says he checks off every list.

We are unconvinced, until we see Peter Brady put on a pair of pants. “OMG go back can we go back?” says ABe.  We rewind.  This somehow makes it easier to hear Lace: “The first night I was a little too drunk, too emotional.  I’m not crazy.  That isn’t me.”  We don’t care what she is because she is wearing a sleeveless jeans jacket Which We Hate.  And also drinking a mimosa, which can only lead to Bad Things.

So date card #1 comes for some people we don’t recognize:   Jacki, L.B., Lauren H., Hemingway, Vaguely Black Amber, Mandi, Jo Jo, Jubilee (Praise jesus!), Jennifer, and . . .Lace.  “Let’s learn about love.” 

Lace has her priorities straight:  “If I could make out with Ben on the date that would be perfect.”   We cannot look away from her heavily contoured cheek makeup, which looks like A Sideburn drunkenly listing across her face.   More interesting is kindergarten teacher Lauren (Lauren H?), whom we shall call The Dern for her likeness to Laura Dern.  She displays a “this is fun I love hanging out with the girls!” vibe that we Do Not Trust but mainly because we Trust No One.

They are going to “Back to Bachelor High.”  A high school.  Like, from where they all just graduated.  

 “High school is where I have some of the best memories,” declares Peter Brady.  This is likely because he has not yet acquired any other memories.  Chris Harrison, angling for more screen time this season, introduces the theme of the date.  The women will be going to four different classes in high school, and working in teams of two.  All but the last team in each “class” will pass on to the next class, and in the end, someone will be crowned homecoming queen.  

We are only half listening because Mandi’s pants have us in Thrall.  “What the hell is she wearing,” says ABe, only to be repeated by KMu when she comes around the corner.  Gentle Readers, this Author just returned from Mexico, where Beach Pants have Made a Come Back.   On one level, we understand the desire not to have ones chicken cutlets rub together when walking.  On the other hand, they are Not Pants Just Because They Reach Your Ankles, a position that was reaffirmed in the indoor mall of Cabo San Lucas where we saw some woman in Lace Pants with Underpants Underneath.  Leg Doilies are a World Of No. Anyway, Mandi’s pants are like the patterned, high waisted version of Beach Pants and We Hate Them (All of Us).

As ABe suggests that we Write a Book about What Are Not Pants, we turn to the first station in this challenge: Science Fair.  They all must “make Ben’s volcano explode” to complete this challenge.  We look with interest for the baking soda and THEN we realize the ingredients are labeled things like “Commitment,” “Love,” and “Communication.”  Ohhhh.   So by “science” they mean “not science.”   And also, Lace and Jubilee, who are paired together, still are unable to complete the task.  “I don’t think she can read,” Says Jubilee of Lace.  The pair are eliminated.

We are overwhelmed with layers of sadness at this moment:  For the lack of Science.  For the Inability to Read.  And also, for the fact that every time a volcano erupts, it looks like a slow motion youtube video of a cyst being popped.  We explain this to KMU, who starts screaming.

But wait:  there’s more!  For the next “class,” the women must take an apple out of a fish tank and put it on a school lunch tray Without Their Hands!!!”  THIS IS A CLASS, babies. A CLASS. 

Someone with a little mouth loses at this point.  When we were in high school, we had a frenemy that declared her mouth to be so petite that she could not consume an entire orange slice in one bite.   We never believed her because she was Not A Guppy but whatever.

The third station only depresses us further.  The women must pick out a magnet in the shape of Indiana AND successfully place it on a map of the United States.  Babies, no one gets this.  NO. ONE. Including The Dern, teacher of America’s children.   The worst is the pair of Hemingway and Partner, who turn Indiana sideways and put it vaguely in the location of Pennsylvania.   Everyone has the good sense to be ashamed at their performance here except Peter Brady, who fails to just eliminate the entire group of women on the spot.

And last we come to station #4:  A free throw contest because who needs education when you have sports?!?  Crazy Pants Mandi and Vaguely Black Amber win, and so they must run hurdles against each other to determine who gets to be homecoming queen.  Really?  In the end, Crazy Pants Mandi wins, which apparently means that she gets to slowly drive around the track in a convertible car with Peter Brady while the other women get “a little emotional wishing it was me.” (from Lace).

So we reach the cocktail portion of this date, and Lace is berating herself:  “Today I was a loser and the night before I was emotional,” but “I’m not crazy.”  We are more interested by Hemingway, who is shooting baskets with Peter Brady.

This Author: “Has there ever been someone who went all the way to the final 2 and then showed up again in the next season?”
ABe:  “Evil Nick.”

Gah!  Evil Nick! We look around for him and his infinity scarf.  

So blah blah, Peter Brady takes time with Jennifer the Small Business Owner and they kiss.  This causes Lace to become frantic, and she is worried that he got a “different Lace” than the Lace she “wanted to show.” And also, “I’m not crazy.”  Somehow  Lace’s efforts to Control the Narrative ends up with Lace and Peter Brady gripping hands tightly as Peter Brady whispers that she is beautiful and, in Lace’s mind, “making, like, eye contact galore.  We were practically eye f-ing.”  This Viewer is pretty sure that is only one youtube video away from cysts being exploded in slow motion.

The most interesting part of this date is Jubilee, who we learn was in an orphanage until age 6, at which point she was adopted, and then in the military for four years.  “Jubilee is a badass,” says ABe, “I hope she’s not crazy.”  And then all is forgotten because Peter Brady is leaning in for a kiss and IT IS HAPPENING AND WE CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

ABe:  “Is this the first time a bachelor has kissed a black woman?  Like, a REAL kiss?!?  IT IS.  HISTORY IS BEING MADE PEOPLE.”

This Author thinks the last one was on Season Alex something or other, way back in The Stone Age.

But we must leave this momentous scene for Lace, who again tells us: “I’m not crazy.  I swear I’m not crazy.”  And then to Peter Brady when she steals him away from Jo Jo:  “I’m not crazy but I just need one more minute.”

“Everybody Drink,” says KMu.

In the end, it works out for Jo Jo, who suddenly looks like Isla Fisher but has a voice like ripping paper.  Peter Brady sweeps her onto the roof of the building, where she declares that she has “never been this high in my life” as she clings to Peter Brady.  And then, “I’ve never in my entire life felt this happy before.”
ABe:  “Ok, well that’s too bad.”
KMu: “Do you guys like Peter Brady’s dressy coat with the arm patches?”
This Author:  “I LOVE AN ARM PATCH.”
KMu:  “Sadly, I know you do.”

So La Isla Bonita gets the rose.

Jubilee is disappointed, for she Opened Up and Was Not Rewarded. 
Lace is a little scarier:  “I am very confident I can turn this around. . . . I will not lose.”

While all of this is happening, date card #2 comes to the house.  Olivia unhinges her jaw at this news.

  

“I am the frontrunner, it has to be for me!” says she.

But (spoiler alert):  the card is for Caila, the software sales rep.  “Come join me for a day of surprises.”

ABe:  “If I could write a book for future bachelorettes, I would say ‘don’t call yourself a front runner.‘”

So this date is pretty horrible.  ABC has decided that it must demonstrate Diversity but is not going down Without A Fight.  Therefore, ABC has featured two black stars on the show (Ice Cube and Kevin Hart) because that way they don’t actually have to have A Black Contestant (Jubilee excepted).   Worse still, the Ice Cube and Kevin Hart are supposed to be the “black comedic relief” because let’s just play up the sitcom stereotypes while we are at it.

So they drive around LA with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube in the car, while Kevin Hart thinks it will be “funny” for Peter Brady to pretend he is super cheap, while Ice Cube is vaguely horrified at it all. 

This is the best part:
Ice Cube:  “What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a woman?”
Ice Cube:  “I married one.”
Kevin Hart:  “I made her fried chicken in a crockpot.”

We have no words. 

This portion date ends awkwardly, with Kevin Hart naked in a hot tub under the glare of florescent lights at some random hot tub store in LA while Peter Brady and Caila look on.  We are soon at dinner, blessedly without Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, where Caila pours out her story of meeting her last boyfriend on a plane and then running into him again on the street two weeks later.  They dated for a whole year, Gentle Readers, but her heart never caught up.

What is Caila looking for in a man, babies?  Well considering that she is “a dreamer,” she wants someone that can “compliment” her.   

KMu:  “I keep trying not to apply youth to this, but. . . .”
This Viewer thinks about her life and decides not to tell KMu that we had a RAT TAIL in college which we had completely blocked from our memory.  And so, we cannot be Too Harsh.

Meanwhile, Caila is telling us that despite dating a year, they broke up because she kept waiting for her “heart to catch up to the story” of them meeting, which never happened.

KMu:  “It took you a YEAR?”
This Author:  “Hey, I dated a man with a free range ferret for 6 months.”
KMu: “Dude, you also dated a man without furniture. And that was the least weird thing about him.”
ABe:  *falls off the sofa.*

 Blah blah they go into a theater that reads “Ben N Caila” and there is Amos Lee crooning in his magic voice and we both love him and cannot believe he is on this show.  Oh Amos Lee make it all go away.  

Caila gets the rose on this date.

Soon it is the last group date, for Emily (the twin), Shushanna the Russian, Sam the lawyer, Olivia, Hayley (other twin), and Amanda.  We have already endured Amanda saying hello to her two babies in her own little tinkly baby voice, and we don’t think we can take much more of it.  “Are we a perfect match?” asks the date card.

This date is in a “Love lab.”  A man called “Dr. Love” and his team (the Special Sauce, no doubt), are going to be leading the group through some experiments to determine the womens’ compatibility to Peter Brady.

One of the twins says “I don’t know about science; I’m not very smart.”  Don’t worry, twin.  It’s not like you have to put Indiana on a map.

Dr. Love measures pheromones and makes the women run on a treadmill, after which he makes Peter Brady smell them.   Shushanna the Russian mathematician is worried she smells like cabbage.  

“The #1 thing between a relationship is chemistry,” she says.
“So now she’s speaking neither Russian nor English,” says KMu.

Olivia is “incredibly confident” about her relationship with Peter Brady.  She lectures that this study is “really valuable; to see if some of us are more fit for Peter Brady than others.” Of course she gets the highest score in the end, matching Peter Brady at 7.45/10 compatibility.  Poor Sam the lawyer is the least compatible, with a 2.42/10 because of course the lawyer is.  

Olivia gives a thumbs up and says “Winning!” and we hate her more.

We also hate her dress.

This Author:  What is going on with that dress?  With the hot pink and the lace?”
KMu: “You mean the one she stole from Barbie’s dream house?

In later 1:1 time, Olivia tells Peter Brady that she’s not surprised at their scores because she “feels it.”  Peter Brady, who is clearly drunk, declares “it’s uh. . . science.”  And they kiss and we hate her.

We are not comforted by the twins, one of which later interrogates Peter Brady:  “You seem like you go for the more outgoing personalities and that concerns me.”  What?  Nor are we comforted by Sam the Lawyer, who announces that if Peter Brady is “a big believer in science, then I would be a little worried.”  Considering that he is from middle Indiana there is a good chance he is a creationist, so. 

And then Amanda drives the last nail in the coffin with her baby voice.  Alvin and All of The 

Chipmunks are represented in this one, and our ears hurt.  But as she reveals to Peter Brady that she has children, he says, “Learning that she has kids, her face lit up.  Her eyes lit up.  She makes so much more sense now.”

This Author:  “KMu, you make so much more sense to me, now that you’ve had kids!”
KMu:  “You have correctly interpreted my impression.”

Anyway, Olivia gets the rose tonight.  NOOOOOO.  She’s all, “I’m 2 for 2.  I don’t even know what rose ceremonies are, really.  We can just end this now.”

Alvin and All of the Chipmunks start to cry.

At last we are at the rose ceremony. Olivia wants to “take Peter Brady to an undisclosed location and kiss his lips off.”

Lace is drinking because that will end well.   She tries to pull Olivia aside to “get to know her better” and Olivia’s evil genius encourages Lace to “go after what you want.”  So  Lace says about 1,000  more times that she is “not crazy” and then apologizes to Peter Brady again about being the “crazy lady.”  Peter Brady reveals that her behavior on night #1 was a “big turn off.”  And so she begins to ramble about how she was an awkward child who had these “bangs that went out like. . . “

The women in the peanut gallery are listening.

But Lace continues:  “I was like Roseanne Roseannadanna and I still have a big part of me that I am working on.”

This is so painful that we are thrilled when another woman breaks in to talk with Peter Brady.  Lace concerns us further, as she stumbles off crying: “I just ruined my chances with Ben.  Things would have been so perfect except for that Lace came out.  Like, the insecure Lace came out.”

After making barrettes with Alvin and The Chipmunks for her daughters and telling Lauren the flight attendant that he is attracted to her, Peter Brady makes his choices for the night.  Joining La Isla Bonita, Caila, and Olivia with roses are:

1. Alvin/Chipmunks
2. Jubilee
3. Lauren the flight attendant, in a napkin doily.
4. Leah, an event planner.
5. Hemingway.
6. Some person named Rachel that we don’t know.
7.  LACE WTF.
LB. . . but wait!  She asks to talk to Peter Brady in the corner, and eliminates herself!   So the rose goes to. . .. Jennifer (wait, or did she get cut?).
8.  Emily, one of the twins, in a terrible dress.
9. Jami the bartender.
10. The Dern.
11. Shushanna. 
12.  Hailey (the other twin).
13.  Vaguely Black Amber

Someone who may or may not be Jennifer, Mandi, and the lawyer bite the dust.  The lawyer’s dress is terrible, with some kind of white tube sock situation flanked with lace spandex going on.   She deserved to be cut for that dress (“but at least she passed the bar, so yay?” says KMu.).

Stay tuned for next week, when we suffer through more old cars, some kissing, and a hot tub in the desert.

-KLo

Peter Brady Part 1: What Can Beat Twins?

Babies, we are coming to you live from the Minneapolis airport!  Make an orderly queue because the lady that has Churched Up her travel attire of tennis shoes with a fancy scarf is none other than this Author.  We are also eating an Airport Chicken Omelet.  What could possibly go wrong?

Let us review our notes from last night:

Peter Brady, gentle readers, is embarking on an Epic Journey.  There will be kissing in the waterfalls and on a river!  Dreams will come true!  At some point, a contestant will wear white balloon pants and another will forget her bottoms!  And finally, there is a great deal of Crying Around a Manicure, as women ineffectually blot at their faces with the reduced surface space made available to them by their freakishly long nails.   This Author knew a man with a fingernail like that once.  He cleaned his ear with it.

We’ve Seen Things, babies.

We are thinking about The Man With The Nail and not really paying attention to the introductory information on Peter Brady until, STOP THE PRESSES, we learn that while he lives in Colorado, he is from Warsaw, Indiana.  THIS IS ENTIRELY NEW INFORMATION THAT WE DID NOT REALIZE.  Warsaw is the almost-hometown of this Author and ABe.  We start laughing helplessly as ABC plays a fantasy montage of Peter Brady shooting baskets against a red barn at sunset as the theme song from the movie Hoosiers plays in the background.  “Every Hoosier can shoot a basketball,” says Peter Brady.  Not this Hoosier, whispers This Author.

But now we are seeing Peter Brady’s elementary school, which “really formed him as a child,” and learn that “small town values” are important to him.  We also visit the movie theater where he had his first kiss, after which he was promptly dumped.  This Author’s first kiss came from a boy who Became Allergic to this Viewer (we are not making this up) before dumping us for another woman.  So Peter Brady, we Are Unmoved.

Behold, there are deer, as trees, and idyllic country roads and soon we are seeing his parents at what is no doubt Lake Wawasee.  But we love his parents because they are like, “seriously, Peter Brady, what is this nonsense about you being unloved or having a fear of rejection?  We realize that this is the story that ABC wants to tell, but it is The Horseshit.”  We are Team Peter Brady’s Parents.  Also because of this: “She’s going to be great, no matter where you find her.” Which will not be on ABC.

We leave Indiana with an image of Peter Brady, leaning against a tree in the sunset (again!) as A Farm Implement drives past him.  When this Viewer was in High School, we tried to take some of our senior pictures Amidst the Corn.  Some nice couple stopped to see if This Viewer and her friend were having car trouble, as they could not see why on earth a high school girl would have any interest in standing Within the Corn when it was not Detassling Season.  So Dear Bachelor Producers, you can show all the sunsets you want but it will not make People From Indiana any more Romantical.  

ABC takes us to LA, where Peter Brady is driving A Classic Car on his way to meet McConaughey, Pringles, and Big Daddy, because why? And also, who cares?  But Peter Brady cares, because he wants to “join the bachelor married club.”  He is 26, babies.  TWENTY-SIX.  At 26 this author was still making Very Poor Life Decisions such as Actors and Men From the Gym.  Nonetheless, Peter Brady is ready to settle down, and so he seeks Words of Wisdom from these guys.  “Kiss them all!” says McConaughey, for whom things worked out so well.  “Keep an open mind” say the others, “and follow your heart.”

And now we are at the mansion, and Chris Harrison is blathering on about how Peter Brady had a fear of being unlovable but here he is and Here is a Giant Pile of Women so Lets meet them All.

We meet Lauren, a 25 year old flight attendant who believes the beach is her “happy place.”  She would “love to land Ben.”  One of her friends says, “Hashtag Mrs. Higgins” and we vomit.

Ah, then there is Caila Quinn, or Kayla.  She is 24, sells software, and paints flowers!  And when she saw Peter Brady on television last season, she realized that she needed to break up with her boyfriend. 

Now we Meet Jubilee.  Gentle readers, it most certainly is the Year of Jubilee, as it has been approximately seven years since this show has had a black woman that is not masquerading as an Ambiguously Dark Skinned white woman. Welcome, Jubilee.  She is a baby, but spent four years in Afghanistan with the military.  We see her in a bikini, and wonder why she is wearing underpants that don’t fit.

Then there is Mandy, a 28 year old dentist from Portlandia that “embraces the weird,” which for her is trying on a variety of pretty standard “I’m trying to be funny”  hats (Viking, etc).  She will not date a man with Gingivitis, babies.  “Ben seems like he flosses, but I’m going to have to do an oral exam.”

On to Emily and Hailey, who are  . . . twins.   We investigate their ABC profiles, which also list their occupations as . . . Twins.  This is probably because they are 22 years old. We hate them.

After the twins, we greet Amanda, a 25 year old Esthetician who sounds like this Author’s 4 year old niece.  We hate this woman’s voice with the Fire Of A Thousand Helium Balloons Lit On Fire Atop a Flaming Ball of More Gasses.  She is divorced with two daughters, ages 3 and 2, and has not dated anyone since her divorce, which either happened a nanosecond ago or she had her babies in high school.  Amanda wants to marry Peter Brady because “he just seems like a really good guy, and like he has good morals.” Well, he IS this Author’s neighbor, so.

Next up, Tiara.   Tiara is 27 year old “Chicken Enthusiast.”  Yes, that is her occupation.  She has a “special chicken” called Sheila, who stays in Tiara’s room with her and does everything with her.  

Tiara is worried about being away from her chickens for the show, as she has never been away from them for more than 10 days before.  

Yes, Gentle Readers, In case there are not enough freaks already, let’s add a Tiara.

Behold, the last and final woman we meet in depth is Sam, a 26 year old law school graduate.  Yesssssss, a Lawyer.  Bring. It. On. She has a raspy voice and a dad who died at 13 from ALS. 

While we appreciate the In Depth Review, we are ready to move on to the limos and rip this bandaid of terrible episodes off as quickly as possible.  ABC hears our prayer, and the first Limo blazes into view. 

What follows can only be described as a little exercise called “Someone Say Something Memorable.”

Out from Limo #1 steps:   

11.    Lauren the flight attendant in Periwinkle. She brings Peter Brady some wings and whispers that she “hopes you are ready to take off on this journey together.”   

22.   Caila the software sales rep, who leaps into Peter Brady’s arms and cries, “Thank you so much for catching me, do you mind if I catch up with you inside?”

.3. Jennifer, a small business owner in a black dress that gives us sweet relief by simply saying, “Promise we’ll talk inside? “

4.  Jami, a bartender from Canada who knows Kaitlyn because of course she does.  We like her despite this, despite the two part white lace midriff bearing tragedy of a dress, and despite the fact that she tells Peter Brady that she hears he has a “big .. . heart.”

55.  Sam the baby lawyer, with her raspy voice and a red lacy sequin dress we are pretty sure A Retired Lawyer’s Wife recently wore to The Firm Holiday Party. She is thrilled because she just passed the bar.  We are thrilled because she asks the horrible question, “Boxers or legal briefs?” Bless.

6.  Jubilee, in a white dress cut down to her naval and so tight that it looks like she is sitting on a slingshot in the back. She informs Peter Brady that she is “really good at pick up lines,” and then says some terrible ones.   

7.  Baby voiced Amanda the Esthetician.  We hate her.

8. A real estate agent called “Lace,” who orders Peter Brady to close his eyes and then kisses him.  Take from him your leather, give to him your Lace, Lace.

99. ANOTHER Lauren, this one a “math teacher” who says that she has stalked Peter Brady on social media.  Because that’s not creepy.  She also exhibits poor listening skills, failing to give Peter Brady her name after asking twice.

10.  Shushanna, a supposed “mathematician,” who only speaks in Russian.  This is both annoying and ridiculous.  And also, you are not a mathematician just because you passed Algebra II, ABC.

After an ad break and a snack for this Author, The Parade of Horribles continues with Limo #2:

11.   We meet Leah, who bends over and hikes a football to Peter Brady.  We are horrified.  And then she says “I knew you were a catch,” and she is Dead To Us.  

12.   “Jo Jo “the real estate agent, who arrives in a Unicorn head.  She tells him “Unicorns do exist, I think I’m yours.”  So many thoughts jumble together in our minds.    

13.   Good grief, another Lauren.  This one is a kindergarten teacher.  She brings Peter Brady a bouquet of dead flowers from a wedding the other weekend.

14.   Laura, or as her friends call her, “Red Velvet.”  Ahhahhhaaa, says this Author, or as our friends call us, “White Diamonds.”  

15.   Mandy the dentist.  Predictably, Mandy exits the car with a giant rose headpiece and tells Peter Brady, “Maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it later.”  We are really starting to hate the pickup lines.

16.   & 17:  The Twins.  Who are 22.  Who are 22 year old twins. 

As the woman funnel into a room, we have lost track of how many limos have come.  Red Velvet has melted down, and Lace is getting drunk, and someone is talking about how their anxiety is increasing as each new woman enters the room.  Thank god for. . .

18. Maegan, a cowgirl who shows up with a mini horse because “How do you beat twins?  With a F-ing mini horse, that’s how.”

 We don’t care what happens from now on, our life is complete.  “What’s happening with this party is that I got a Russian woman, a rose hat, twins, and a pony” says Jami the bartender, causing us to love her more, despite all the warning signs.

19.   This prepares us for Brianna, a “nutritional therapist” who insists that “gluten is satan” and asks Peter Brady to violently destroy baguettes on the sidewalk with her.

120.   Izzy the graphic designer who shows up in a ONESIE because she “had to find out if he was the onesie for me.”  This Author is wishing for at least Onesie drink about now.

221.   Now we have Rachel, of the occupation “unemployed.”  She shows up on a hover board.  Lace, who is heavily drinking, informs us all that she is not worried because she is “way prettier than everyone. I look really good.” 

222.   Next is Jessica, an accountant from Boca Raton, Fla. She feels like the “luckiest girl in the world.”

223.   Tiara the chicken enthusiast.  Meh

224.   The final Lauren –  a 23 years old fashion designer. There is no way, babies. No. Way.   Mr. Brady gently tells her something like, “it’s going to be for the best,” and we know she probably will not make it to the end.

25.   Jackie the Gerontologist – She brings a Save the Date card for March 24, 2016.  Yikes. And also, We guess we had better mark our calendars for the Finale.  

26.   Olivia and her giant breasts.  This is so different from virtually every other contestant that we cannot look away. She is a news anchor who talks about her single dimple. Clearly, she is young enough that her single dimple has not had little dimple babies all over her ass.   Something is off about this woman; we don’t like her even though she says everything right. 

So now all the women have assembled.  Olivia is declaring Peter Brady to be “a specimen! A god!” Meanwhile, he is calling his parents in Indiana, waking them up to tell them that he is happy as dramatic music plays.  With a vocal score.  Oo OO AH AH.  Blah Blah BLAH BLAH.  It is like the Carmina Burana of the Bachelor.

As Peter Brady enters the room, the women “wooo.”  And then, as he is attempting his first speech, Mandy interrupts him and wrestles him into a dark corner where she utters a line sure to sweep every man off his feet:  “Do you floss?  You better floss.”  AND THEN SHE CHECKS.  With a mirror and everything.

Now Olivia is dimpling with her one dimple at Peter Brady.  Dear readers, one short month ago, she was “a news anchor.  And I walked away from a job that I loved, because I think you’re worth it.  I love the outdoors.  I love traveling. And like, giving back.  That was the best part of my job.  Talking to high school girls.”  It is like a pageant speech; something is off.  I repeat. Something is off. We are pretty sure she has cue cards that read “volunteer.” “Disenfranchised.” “Cook.”  “Passionate.”  But it makes a big impression with Mr. Brady.

Anyway, Peter Brady chats software sales with Caila, sits down with the twins, and plays Pictionary with a real estate developer whose name we can’t remember.  He also play football with scary Leah, and guesses the name of a woman who didn’t tell him (Jessica?).  And then another limo comes with. . . . HEMINGWAY from season McConaughy and Amber, who was one of the ambiguously black women of a prior season. Ooooo.   Lace is pissed, in more ways than one:  “I’hm not gonnha let Hemingway geht ina my way.”

But Lace, despite her best efforts at stealthily stalking, cannot look away from Hemingway and Mr. Brady as they make their introductions.   She reports from the front lines:  “They are touchy.  Oh, getting touchy.  More touchy.”

When this author was in junior high, we had a crush on a guy who had class with our friend LGi.  She would write us reports:

He studies. 
He looks at the clock.
He erases.
He looks at the clock.

And we returned the favor for her:  “He rolls the dough.  He cuts the dough. He makes the cookies.” (Good old small town values:  Home Economics, babies).

Anyway, the point is that this Author was 12 years old.

Blah blah there is more bouncing between the women, including Jubilee advising Peter Brady and The World that she was “more nervous getting out of that limo than dodging bullets in Afghanistan.”  Really?  REALLY?  Lace steals Peter Brady away from Jubilee and tries to re-create their kiss.  He earns our eternal (until next week) affection by telling her that this is not the time or place because he’s really trying to evaluate the person, not just the physical.  THEN, Mandy the dentist swoops in and steals him away, and Lace feels destroyed. 

Not to fear:  Peter Brady finds Lace later on and explains himself again.  Lace misses the point:

 “ Ben ashked for me, ahn he made me feel schpechial.”  

This is exhausting.

NOW, Jennifer is explaining to Peter Brady earnestly that she has two requirements for a man: (1) alignment with her morals and values, and (2) physical attraction.  And that right there is the difference between 23 and 33.  Babies, by the time this Author reached 33, we also had two requirements for man, and they were:

1.        Presence

2.       Cleanliness. 

Let’s just all sit with that a moment.

Anyway, Peter Brady gives the First Impression Rose to Olivia.  Who says, “I’m really humble, but I’m deserving.”  Is anyone listening to the words coming out of this woman’s mouth?

Joining her with roses at the end of this episode are:

1.       Lauren the airline stewardess.  Jennifer is all, “This is tough.  This is an army of freakishly good looking women.”  (Privately, that is how This Author always felt when the German exchange students came to town).

2.       LB (another Lauren).  Really?  

3.       Caila. 

4.       Amber from the prior season.

5.       Jami the bar tender.  Boo yeah!!

6.       Jennifer.

7.       Jubilee.

8.       Amanda with the tinkly voice.

9.       Jo Jo.   

10.   Leah.

11.   Rachel – we don’t know her. 

12.   Samantha the lawyer, who swears,  “He can say Sam or say it in Spanish, as long as he says my name.”

13.   Jackie – We can’t keep track of her at this point. 

14.   Hailey – one of the twins. 

15.   Emily. The other twin. He must be joking.

16.   Shushanna, who is still talking in Russian.  We are annoyed.

17.   Lauren H. 

18.   Hemingway!!! Ooooo, snap.  Lace is working herself up: ‘who wants a f-ing virgin?”

19.   Mandy, the crazy dentist.  W.T.F.

Back comes the dramatic Viking-like music. “ah ah AH AH cah cah CAH CAH”

20.    Aaand LACE gets the final rose. Noooo.   

Nooooo.   The nutritionist, the cowgirl, Red Velvet, and god knows who else go home.  But Lace is not satisfied.  Lo, for she is mad that Peter Brady did not LOOK AT HER during the rose ceremony.  She pulls him away, she says “you didn’t look at me.  Do you want me to go home?  Because I’ll go home if you don’t really want me here.”

Peter Brady:  “Just to be clear, the issue is that I did not make eye contact with you.”
Lace: “blah blah blah blah.”

At this point, we wish Peter Brady would eliminate her, but he does not. 

With that, we are done with Part 1.  Stay tuned for next week, when KMu, ABe, and This Author reunite, and discover that there are a great number of tears. 

Finally, there was a “Bachelor Live” thing to follow, but we are boarding and also, we don’t care.

Love,

KLo