Fifty Shades Darker Part 6: Sunday, Bloody Sunday

 Babies, As You May Recall, we had a bonus episode of the Bachelorette this week and therefore, the BNU Visits Unto You yet again today.   But beware, for this means NO BNU next week, for ABC has decided that Celebrating The Birth of Our Country will involve Reality TV this year, but certainly not anything about love for our fellow humans.

ANYWAY, we last left off in the in the Norwegian wilds with the 2:1 date involving Kenny and Racist Lee.   After talking to both of them, RLind is not sure who she needs to send home.   Kenny, continuing to make Terrible Life Choices, berates Racist Lee along the lines of “Yo Snake, you ever feel shame?” while Racist Lee responds “Jesus loves you.”   By all means, Racist Lee, weaponized religion.  Everyone else is doing it these days.

Thankfully, RLind concludes that she doesn’t trust Racist Lee and gives him the boot.  TO WHICH HE RESPONDS, “That’s ok sweetheart, but just so you know, Kenny came up to me a few minutes ago and .  . .”  Rachel shuts him down.  Bless.

But here is our thing (All of Us).   Rachel then turns to Kenny and tells him she needs more time with him to decide if he gets the date rose.  So, he’s “won,” but he still has to dance for his life.   They walk to the helicopter to continue their date  . . . and then Kenny LEAVES HER, saying he has to GO BACK TO RACIST LEE and finish some things.  We reiterate:  he abandons this woman who has just told him he needs to step up, literally leaving her seatbelted inside a helicopter wasting the very few minutes of 1:1 time she has given him, while he returns to the guy who was just kicked off in order to get a few more verbal licks in.

 RLind:  “WTF.”
KMu:  “Girl, fly away.  FLY AWAY.”
RLind:  “I am so annoyed right now.
The BNU:  “LEAVE HIM.  LEAVE HIM!!!”

But she doesn’t.  Instead, Kenny comes back to the helicopter, talks some more about Lee, and also, talks about Lee some more over dinner.

RLind: “what’s up with the fact that when I walk away with YOU, why did you leave me to walk back to HIM?”
Kenny:  “I’m verbal.  And part of the process I had to go through to become a better person is to not bottle things up.”
This Author:  “Nonresponsive, move to strike.”

Somehow, he gets the rose on this date.

And just like that, we are at another rose ceremony.  Since The Lawyer got the boot the other night, only Goose and Kenny have roses from the last two dates.   But suddenly we don’t care because Rachel has rolled in aluminum foil and made a dress.

When this author was a child, we made pants and a shirt for our little sister ERo by making her roll around on some fabric and then cutting around her like a paper doll.  Similarly, we are pretty sure this dress has, at some point in its journey, involved chewed up pieces of foil, stretched back out and draped. 

“I’m not talking to the government!” whispers this Author, wishing RLind had completed the outfit with a tin foil hat.

In any event, RLind gives roses to:

1.  Dean Go Black/Not Back.

2.  Eric.  MEH.

3.  First Peter.  FOR THE WIN.

We interrupt the rose giving for the Special Prosecutor, who declares: “if she doesn’t give me a rose, there is something wrong with her brain. There are so many layers to me:  I am caring, empathetic, smart.  If I don’t get a rose, I will be shocked!!!”    We are so tired of him.

4.  Russian.

5.  Adam of the dolls.  Aaaaaand. . . .

6. Matt.

DAAAAAMN.  Frozone and The Special Prosecutor get the cut.  SP wastes no time being offensive:  “No one thought I was going to come home. And I love the Russian, but you think that KGB agent is better than me?”

But this Author is distracted by Bigger Things:
KMu:  That man is arrogant to the end.
This Author: “NOOOOOO. FROZONE.”
Eric:  “Two more black guys are gone.”
ABe:  “I am getting really irritated by Eric’s fixation on the balance of white versus black men.”
This Author:  “FROZONE.  NOOOOOOOO.”

We are continuing to mourn Frozone as the remaining group fly to Denmark.  “This is an amazing hotel, so well appointed, and also, I can see the castle from my hotel room! This is the perfect place for a fairy tale romance,” RLind reads off the teleprompter while drinking a can of diet coke and also, driving a Nissan (not really). 

“It’s just like Cleveland, you guys!” says ABe.

Soon, a date card comes and it is for Eric.  “I’m Copen to Love.”  This Author starts searching frantically for her wine glass because there is not enough alcohol in the world to get us through this one.   Kenny, meanwhile, is mad because he didn’t get the 1:1.  Really?

We really don’t like Eric, who is the most fragile of fragile egos and only happy when given attention.   Sadly, as this is a 1:1, the attention is what he gets.  As RLind rides up in a boat, Eric lets out a happy scream, gives her a hug, and then climbs into the boat with her to go investigate the City. 

ABe, for All of Us:  “I don’t like him for how he talks when he’s not around her.”

Eric:  “What do you like to do?”
RLind:  “I like sports.”

Eric to the camera:  “I am really, feeling this girl, you know.”

 OMG WE HATE HIM.  By age 32 (or really at age 22 or ever), we think a lady has the right not to have some guy croon about “feeling her” as a “girl.” 

Blah blah some kissing in a hot tub, and also, bumper cars.  RLind is happy that Eric is “out of his head” and she is able to “bring the child out of” him. 
ABe: “Or alternatively, he never became an adult.”

At dinner, he explains that he has never committed to any woman because his mother didn’t give him love.  Seriously. 

She gives him a rose. 

While all of this is happening, the group date card comes for Dean Go Black/Not Back, Kenny, Goose, The Russian, Matt, First Peter, and Adam of the Dolls.   “I’ve taken a Viking to you guys,”  says the card.  Kenny is, once again, mad that it is Will that gets the 1:1 instead of him because he wants to move his relationship forward with Rachel.

ABe:   “Maybe should have through that for the past 2 episodes. Jesus Christ help me, KLo.  I can’t do this.”

And also, Dean Go Black/Not Back admits to everyone that he has never “really” dated a black woman.
ABe: [inarticulate sputtering].

On this date, Our Heroine explains that the words “give” and “dream” in English are of Viking origin, so she wants to see if these guys can “give her the dream.”  This does not even make any sense, but whatever.

Our favorite part of all of this are Tom and Morten, Viking training instructors, a/k/a the Knights of Ni, who are going to teach them some Viking games/fighting.
ABe:  “I feel that I would be good at this.”
This Author:  “That’s because you box.”
ABe:   “OMG, First Peter [in his Viking clothes].  He is looking hotter than anyone should.”
KMu:   “He could wear that in real life.”

The BNU enjoys a moment of silence in appreciation of First Peter.

So these Viking games.  . . .  one of them literally involves RLind holding a greased stick and, the man that can take it out of her hand gets to marry her.  We don’t really know who wins this, as we are too distracted by Dean Go Black/Not Back, who “looks like he could be on the cover of Viking Teen Vogue,” observes KMu. 

Eventually, Kenny and Adam of the Doll are the final two and now get to fight to the death with sticks and shields.   “I’m willing to lay it all on the line for Princess Rachel Lindsay,” declares Adam.  We hate him.

Both men get bloody eyes, but Kenny wins.

Off we go to various 1:1 conversations.  We hate to say it, but Goose gets it right, “completely tuned in to Rachel and focused on her” (in the words of KMu) when they are together, rather than talking incessantly about himself or the other men in the house.  RLind worries that he is too good to be true, and also, that they are living in two different states.   Oh, but he is here for her, 100% ready! Oh Oh!!!! his family will accept her, because if she loves him, they will love her, 10000%!   RLind notes that she feels accepted by Goose, flaws and all, and that she’s never had that before.

We don’t know about Goose, but a Hush Comes Over the BNU when First Peter steps up to bat.  We 

take a moment of silent admiration:

First Peter admits that he gets nervous every time he talks to RLind and also, she reveals that she really likes the way his relationship is moving and SO DO WE (ALL OF US).

The rest of this date involves RLind kissing Dean Go Black/Not Back, The Russian, and Adam of the Dolls.  But crisis:  During 1:1 time with Matt, he reveals to RLind that Kenny is completely fine physically after his broken eyeball, but is struggling personally.   So RLind takes Kenny off for some 1:1.

Kenny explains that this has been difficult for him, and getting more so.  He also admits that he does not know that his relationship with RLind has grown in the way in which he had wanted it to.
RLind:  “So you’re not getting “it” from me.  What is “It.”
Kenny:   “I am not sure, I . . .”
RLind;  What is that “It” factor that you feel is missing?
KMu:   “She’s deposing him right now, let’s be clear.  Mad respect.”

The two proceed to have a completely adult conversation in which they both express their questions and concerns, and they mutually agree that he should go home to his daughter.   This has to be a First for this franchise. 

Kenny:  “Rachel is the most amazing woman.  But if McKenzie (his daughter) grows up to be like Rachel, I know I’ve done my job.”

And just like that, we love Kenny again.  And we love his daughter, who tells him how proud she is of him for taking this risk and going to all this new places, as he calls her from the exit limo.   And also, we love RLind, for being completely respectful and adult about the whole thing, both to Kenny and the rest of the men.

KMu:  “I am falling in love with the Bachelorette”
ABe:  “Me too. She makes me want to be a better person.”

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

First Peter gets the rose on this date.  YAY.

Now that the group date is over, Will reveals, prior to his 1:1 date, that he “typically dates white girls.  It’s not like I don’t date black girls, I have.  But you know.” 

This Author becomes stressed:

But RLind is hoping that it is going to be “so romantic” for them to explore Sweden, which is apparently what is going to happen.    Since we watched the last 15 minutes of this episode last night once the Hulus ran out on the prior episode, ABe makes a prediction:

ABe:   “It will not be romantic.  She will not have a good time. Jesus, KLo, I can’t believe you are making me watch this again.”

Now some Swedish hipster is singing a “romantic Swedish song” (according to closed captioning).  Will and RLind walk past said hipster and find themselves in a bar, talking to a couple who met while dancing 35 years ago and are married.  The man kisses his wife.  Will looks forward woodenly.  RLind says “kiss me” and he does, awkwardly.

This Author:

RLind is getting frustrated because the most Will has done is hold her hand “and even that is a stretch.”  This Author wants to sink through the floor.

ABe:  “Will is like a caricature of a hot guy.  It’s like he assumes that all he has to be is pretty, because two attractive people will inevitably connect.  But there is no substance there.”

RLind steps up the romance, taking him to this beautiful look out point . . . where they stand, not even touching, for like 10 minutes:

Dinner goes no better, though admittedly we don’t see much of it because we are now like this:

KMu: "Do you want a blanket, KLo?"

 RLind proposes a toast to “moving forward,” and if that wasn’t enough of a clue that Will is getting the axe, Will seals his fate by saying the following: “I date mostly white women, because that is what was available to me.” 

RLind has none of it: “That’s interesting.  We grew up basically in identical communities, which were predominantly white and yet I have dated a range of people, and predominantly black men.  You made different choices.”   But Will, adding yet another nail to his coffin, declares that he is very passionate and caring in his relationships.  RLind’s face says it all.

ABe: “Ok, that man has not touched her.  On the heels of proclaiming that he dates white women, he says he is physically affectionate but is not expressing that with her?  He’s not interested.  He just likes the idea of Rachel as the ideal black woman.  He doesn’t want to date her.”

She gives Will the Axe, and we emerge from behind the protection of our sweater.

The rest of this episode is confusing.  And not only because RLind is wearing A Complicated Peephole Situation:

And pointy boots.  On the beach.

We aren’t really sure why ABC is filming RLind here, as it doesn’t have anything to do with anything except maybe “contemplation.” Soon we cut, instead, to another rose ceremony.  RLind is upset about what is about to happen.    Chris Harrison, whom we have entirely forgotten about at this point, translates her emotions for the rest of us:  “I see that you look solemn.”  Really?  REALLY???

RLind, in a dress we like, temporarily runs off crying before giving out roses.  But when she returns, she picks the following people to join First Peter and Eric with roses:

1. Goose.

2.  Matt.  Whom we still don’t know.

3.  Dean GB/NB

4.  Adam of the Dolls.  Whom we also don’t know.

The Russian goes home.  More interestingly, in the span of 1.5 hours RLind has hacksawed the group down to six men, two of whom have received practically no air time.  

This Author:  “From this point forward, I would like to just see First Peter.”
KMu: ‘Like, First Peter’s romance with RLind, or just First Peter.”
This Author:  “First Peter.”

Stay tuned for . . . whatever happens next whenever ABC decides to air it.

Have a good 4^th, babies.  And also, call your senators.

Love, KLo.

Fifty Shades Darker Part 5: Make It Stop.

 Babies, we are back on Hilton Head Island and find this whole business of ending an episode without a rose ceremony disorienting.  After doing some research, we recall that when we last left off, Dean Go Black/Not Back has a rose on his 1:1 date and also, we are still on the group date from last week with Jack the Lawyer warming up in the bullpen for his 1:1 to come.

ABC pitchforks us into a tiny sailboat, which KMu informs us is named “the Flash.”  We discover that Our Heroine has escaped in the dead of night to The Flash with Goose the chiropractor.  “Ugh. . . the back cracker,” says KMu as RLind and Goose have a conversation that goes something like this:

RLind:  “You’re too good to be true!”
Goose:  “No, YOU’RE too good to be true!”
Goose again:  “ If we’re both too good to be true, that means we are aa Perfect Match.”
Goose AGAIN:  “I’m all in, and I’m not going to stop!”

And then there is some terrible kissing and we all scream, per usual.

Meanwhile, if the readership may recall, Kenny had pulled Racist Lee outside for a chat.  This involves Racist Lee complaining about Kenny’s aggression as Kenny tries to explain that he thought Racist Lee was his friend, but now he’s just a snake.  We think they both need to leave.

Goose gets the rose on this date, as Kenny and Racist Lee continue to bicker and also, Kenny has escalated to calling Racist Lee a “bitch” over and over.

ABe:  “This officially disqualifies Kenny forever.”

KMu:  “I hate the use of the word bitch.  I hate it when women use it as to each other or themselves, and particularly when men use it derogatorily to each other.  It’s like double offensive.”

PMu:  “Stand up and drop the kitty.  DROP. THE. KITTY.”

One of these things is not like the other. 

We look over, and discover that PMu is attempting to snabble EMu up to bed, as EMu clings desperately to The Kitty (which KMu has apparently acquired from the ABC Garage Sale).   Eventually, the Kitty comes with.  You know, as it does.

Finally, we have RLind’s date with Jack the Lawyer.  Warning bells go off as we discover that RLind has chosen to wear Midriff Baring Mesh and also, ride in a horse drawn carriage AND ALSO says “Jack and I have a lot of stuff in common.  We are both lawyers.  We both are from Dallas. We are a (death knell CLANG CLANG CLANG) Perfect Match On Paper.”

This date is so much like going on a date with a lawyer that we have no words.  So we shall use theirs:

Jack the Lawyer: “I would, um, like to take our date to the next level”

[They Shuck Oysters.  And take Shag Lessons in a very crowded Oyster Shucking place]

Jack the Lawyer:  “I’m not exactly the best dancer, but what better way to find out if there is chemistry?”

This Author:  [Anguished Cry] and also “OMG HE DID NOT.”

 RLind:  “I feel like we should get along with each other but there is something missing.”

Jack the Lawyer:  “Act like you kind of enjoy it.”
Jack the Lawyer: “I think that the true telltale sign (of falling in love) is that when I’m with Rachel I couldn’t be happier.”
Jack the Lawyer: “I missed the dance steps because all of my eyes were on you.”

KMu:  “All of his eyes?” 
ABe:  “This is the Most Awkward Date Ever.  There has to be an acronym for that . . .”

RLind:  “DON’T KISS ME I’M SICK.”
Jack the Lawyer:  [Does so Anyway]

ABe:  “M.A.D.E.  This date is MADE.  Damn.”

It gets worse at dinner, as Jack informs the camera that he can “totally feel myself falling in love with Rachel” and then this happens for the next 30 seconds:

But, then, as RLind tries to let him down easy (“um, this has been easy and fun, but what I am missing as the spark”), Jack the Lawyer is all “I would like to reserve 2 minutes for rebuttal.”

Jack the Lawyer: “I feel really perfect around you, we match.”
Jack the Lawyer:  “I love parents!  Does your dad have a good sense of humor?” 

RLind:   “Yeah, but you really have to get to know him.”

KMu:  “And you are not going to.”

RLind:  “So, where would you take me on a date in Dallas?”
Jack the Lawyer:  Proceeds to talk for 10 minutes about himself, also proposing that his date IN DALLAS would be to lock the door and just stay in bed and talk all night.

ABe:  “Has this man ever been on a date before?  You’re supposed to ask her questions and get to know her, not lecture her.”
KMu:  “Dude, he’s A LAWYER.”

RLind to the camera:  “I asked him where he would take me in Dallas.  Laying in bed and talking does not sound fun to me.”

Proving that lawyers, with rare, unicorn-like exception, cannot make it further than mid-way on this show, Jack the Lawyer gets the axe.

As this Lesson in Why Lawyers Are Not As Eligible As They Sound On Paper unfolds, Racist Lee is talking to Will back at the house about Kenny being “aggressive” to him.   Will, earning all of our love forever and ever amen, refuses to call Kenny “aggressive” and painstakingly explains to Racist Lee that there is a history in America of calling black men “aggressive” to justify all manner of unfair acts against them, and please try to understand that this is a trigger word for a lot of people.

ABE:  “YES.  There some WOKE men on this show.  How the hell did that happen?”
Racist Lee: [shit eating grin]: “I don’t understand the race card, but apparently it got played.”

We hate him.

Back in fantasy land, RLind has decided that there will be no rose ceremony this evening.  Iggy is complaining because he hasn’t had more time with RLind, and First Peter Whom We Love (All of Us) is like “Rachel is having a demonstrably hard time, dude.  Think of her a little.”

Joining Dean Go Black/Not Back and Goose with roses, RLind picks:

1. Eric.  Really Rachel??
2. First Peter.  YAY.
3. Adam of the Dolls.  (He says” “she hasn’t seen the whole Adam yet.  She’s had a glimpse.  She’s had a snack.” Says KMu:  “Gross.”)
4. Will.
5. Matt of the Penguin.  We still don’t really know him.
6. The Russian.
7.  The Special Prosecutor.
8.  FROZONE!!!  YAYA!!!!
9. Kenny, who is now making snake moves and we are tired of it and he needs to grow up. Aaaaand ..
10.  Racist Lee.

The Tickler and Iggy are going home.  The Tickler offers the following for Bachelor Nation:
“I have got to get out there and find a girl who can appreciate a good set of tickling hands.”

KMu:  That is officially the grossest life goal I have heard.”

But Iggy cries as he says goodbye and concludes that maybe he shouldn’t have spent the entire time talking about other people.  And also, that he’s only just now getting to know himself.  Goodness.

So this is normally when the episode would end but because ABC is messing with us this evening, we find ourselves in Oslo, Norway.  This is going to be a problem for this Author, whose conversations over the last year with her husband have been as follows:

MCo:  “I have to go to Denmark for work.”
KLo:  “SO, when you are in Norway do you think. . . “
MCo: “I AM NOT GOING TO NORWAY. GAH.”

In any event, RLind is excited to be in Norway, not Denmark, with the men.   She is also realizing that her relationships with them need to be more than “fun.” And the Special Prosecutor, with whom we are not excited to be, declares to no one in particular that if only RLind gives him time, “I feel like I will be the one.”  This statement is so much everything that this Author hates about lawyers that we have no words.

The first 1:1 date goes to Goose.  Lo, for RLind feels like she needs to know if they have more than a mere physical connection.   At age 37, Goose is the oldest of her suitors, so we figure he could just act his age and come out ahead of a lot of these guys. 

RLind and Goose take an elevator to the top of an Olympic ski jump ramp, WHICH LOOKS TERRIFYING, and they decide to rappel down.  She is so scared that she is laughing instead of crying, and we love her.  But she apparently loves Goose, who talks her through the rappelling situation, and kisses her, and does not bore her.  But caution:  He is 37, educated, gainfully employed . . . there must be something wrong.

In order to investigate this, RLind wears bondage gear to dinner, which we cannot draw because it was Hidden By A Sweater for All Decency Required by Prime Time Television.  But during dinner, RLind reveals that she has A Very Beautiful Sister and did not Blossom herself until college.  So, when she began receiving male attention, she didn’t know how to take it.   We sympathize with her, as the following did occur during This Author’s High School Career:

Boy:  “I asked your older sister SHa to prom and she said no.   So I asked your younger sister ERo to prom, and SHE said no.  So will you go to prom?”

 Spoiler:  We said no.   

But Goose, perhaps unlocking the mystery of his own apparent perfection, reveals that he was super-skinny and covered in acne until his senior year of high school.  We are then permitted to hear a short reference to a four year relationship during which he never allowed himself to get serious, leading to its demise and also, his realization “a few years ago” that it was time to man up.  And then he says HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH RACHEL. 

Babies, this is what is called A Full Court Press.

He gets the rose and they kiss.  Horribly.

Next up, a group date in which the men play handball, to be taught to them by “Coach Tom,” a world championship coach.

Coach Tom, looking pained:  “I have to teach you how to play hand ball now.”
Will:  “I have actually played a lot of handball.”  WHAT?

ABC puts the men in wrestling clothes, which is not at all what handball players wear, and at one point First Peter picks RLind up.

The Special Prosecutor:  “Peter man, the next thing you know he has a handful of ass.  I mean a HANDFULL of ass.  And all I could think of was that I wished it was me.”

Sigh.

Blah blah we have a series of 1:1 times during which Will reveals that his prior girlfriend left him and he gets a kiss from Rachel, the Russian says something about getting “lost in” RLind’s eyes, Matt puts some lyrics of a song onto something, and then the Special Prosecutor shows, AGAIN, why lawyers are not all the crack:

SP:   “My dad told my mom, on their second date, that god told him she was the woman for him. And my mom thought you were crazy.”

RLind:  “I WOULD TOO.”

KMu:  This is what’s called taking the note.” 

SP:  (not taking the note): “honest to god I feel like you are the woman for me.”

RLind to the camera:  The Prosecutor is smooth, but he’s not really asking me questions, or interested in learning about me. He seems more interested in the idea of me.” 

The highlight of this evening is that RLind and First Peter spend 3.5 hours in the hot tub on what is supposed to be a group date.  Damn.   And also, this only comes after First Peter swears he could kiss her “all night” but then declines to do so because “we have so much ground to cover.”  And also, as he later tells the camera, he thinks what they have is “atypical” but that he wants to make sure it can last a lifetime.  WE LOVE YOU FIRST PETER.

But First Peter is seized with worry when they return to the men, who are a bit salty that he’s been with RLind for 3.5 hours.  And also, more worried when RLind gives the group date rose to Will instead of him.  Come on First Peter, if RLind spent that long with you and THEN gave you the group date rose, the rest of the house would hate you forever.

The only bright spot in the remaining portions of this episode is when FroZone schools Eric when he complains that of all the black men remaining, RLind has only asked FroZone on a 1:1 date.   FroZone is all, “I don’t think we’re all interchangeable black guys.  Each of us is a different person, and you can’t put it in racial categories.  You need to build her trust to date her.”

ABe: “I cannot believe how many woke brothers are on this show.”

Sadly, instead of the balm that is Frozone, we get a 2:1 date with Kenny and Racist Lee.   We hate the all of this, so we will be brief. 

Racist Lee polishes his boots, reads a book about Norway (probably his first), and lifts weights.  He also makes a plan to try to make Kenny nuts.  Goose suggests to Kenny that maybe he wants to try to be the bigger man, and instantly we know that will Not Work Out.

This 2:1 date involves taking a helicopter to the top of a mountain where everyone is obviously cold and miserable.   Kenny spends all of his time with RLind talking about Racist Lee, and Racist Lee spends all of his time with RLind telling lies about Kenny being violent towards him.   This enrages Kenny, who then acts like a 12 year old towards Racist Lee.   RLind is annoyed because she wants clarity and doesn’t have it, and we hate the world.

This episode ends on a TO BE CONTINUED as Kenny stalks towards Lee.    Stay tuned for tomorrow, when we see the end of this tripe.  

KLo.

Fifty Shades Darker Part 4: Mr. Deeds

Babies, we arrived at Chez KMu to discover the premises entirely vacated except for a bra on the living room floor.  If KMu was raptured, we conclude, at least this is The Real Proof that there is no use for the Devil’s Delicates in heaven.   But eventually KMu came home, ABe dialed in on the interwebs, and we all tried to remember what happened two weeks ago.

Oh . . . Right.  We ended the last episode on the cusp of a rose ceremony, with The Russian, FroZone, and Annoying Eric having roses already.    ABC makes us revisit Annoying Eric freaking out at Lee:  

“My name is in your mouth so you must be talking about me!!!”

KMu sings:   “[Don’t] say my name, [don’t] say my name….”   

Now Kenny is earnestly telling RLind in a 1:1 about how he has a 3-5 year plan regarding wrestling and, we think he is very sweet but increasingly not the right person for her.  More importantly, KMu has  handed us wine and a cupcake.

Racist Lee lurks outside RLind’s 1:1 and then interrupts Kenny, as Dean Go Black/Not Back observes that Racist Lee is “kind of a bitch” and also optimistically suggests that “the longer Racist Lee sticks around, the more people will become aware of his, ah, . . . intolerance.”  We are dubious.

Now Goose the Columbian chiropractor is close talking Our Heroine. 

“He’s always up in her . . . business,” whispers this Author.

But then we want to vomit because Our Heroine is declaring that Goose is “so charming” that its concerning her, to which he responds “It’s a fairy tale!” that is somehow also “1,000 real” and he will “be strong when she is weak,” and we have no words except that Dear Baby Women Readers Everywhere, that kind of relationship only comes after you’ve Found Your Own Damn White Horse to Ride On and Saved Yourself.  Trust this Author.

In any event, Goose sticks his tongue down RLind’s throat and the entire BNU Screams.  How can so much hotness and terrible kissing be wrapped up in the same package?

Suddenly, Kenny approaches Racist Lee.  And pauses.

ABe:  “DON’T DO IT.  DON’T DO IT.”

But Kenny does, and as he earnestly tries to explain how he feels that Racist Lee took advantage of what Kenny thought was their friendship to obtain an advantage with RLind, Racist Lee continually cuts Kenny off.   As Kenny’s voice rises in frustration, Racist Lee twinkles to the camera about how the “Number one way you can piss someone off is to laugh at them.” 

RLind is distracted by the muted sound of yelling as she tries to talk to some guy that looks like a wookie.  “I just hear a bunch of drama and it is pissing me off.” 

Then, THEN First Peter comes to the rescue and is so perfect that the Closed Captioning Freezes In Honor of Him.  We *think* he says that she should not have to deal with the “theatrics” this evening and that he feels sorry for her with all of this.  WE LOVE YOU FIRST PETER.

But Our Heroine has had enough.   She sits by herself and cries softly: “I have put my life on hold, once again, to do this, and that shows I am serious about it.  But if I am 100% honest, I was disappointed with the guys tonight.  I can’t even express the pressures that I have being a black woman, in this position.  And I did not want to get into this tonight, but I get pressures from so many different directions, being in this position, and I already know what people are going to say, and judge me for the decisions I will be making.”

ABe:  “I feel you.  Hang in there girl, be strong.  I won’t be judging!”

Baby BMu, eating a cupcake in the kitchen:  “I AM MAKING SOUP!”

 So then Chris Harrison pops up to ask RLind how she’s feeling and to declare that “you just tell me what you want, and I can facilitate anything.” 

KMu:  “Are you feeling the weight of being a black woman, RLind?  Here’s a white man to explain how that feels.”

Having received his orders or made them up on his own, Chris Harrison mansplains that Rachel is feeling done with the whole thing and announces that they are therefore going to go “right to” the rose ceremony.  First of all, this entire cocktail party has been interminable so We Are Not Clear (Any Of Us) how this is going “right to” anything.   Second of all, thank god.

RLind sallies forth and picks, to join The Russian, FroZone, and Annoying Eric with roses:  

1. Will.  We still don’t know him.

2. Dean Go black/Not back.

3. The tickle guy.

4.  First Peter!!!!  YAAAAASSS.

5. Adam of the Doll.

6.  Goose.

7.  Matt, who we actually are starting to like, even though he has said three sentences on air this entire season and also, showed up in a penguin costume on night one.  

8.  The Special Prosecutor (Josiah). WTF.

9.  Lawyer Jack.

10. Iggy.    ABE: “That guy?? Again?? If she chooses Iggy she better choose Diggy.”

11.  Kenny.  And . . .

12. Racist Lee.  NOOOOOOOO. 

Diggy, the Wookie looking guy, and Zoolander go home.  We are all devastated that she got rid of Diggy.

At last, we have escaped rose ceremony purgatory and are off to the next week’s adventures, which is WITH THE CROCODILES ON HILTON HEAD, SC.  Gentle Readers, let us relay This Author’s recollections of vacationing on Hilton Head, circa age 15.  

A.  Only time in this Author’s life we could ride a bike and not hit anyone/anything because The Ocean and also, We Are Imprecise in our bike riding.

B.  Hilton Head is the kind of place where One buys all of the cassette tapes of the street musician singing at dusk in Harbor Town because Teenage Angst, the Magic of Sunset and also, Deep Meaning of Music, only to later realize that his covers of James Taylor hits are Not That Great.

C.  Hilton Head gave this Author the Opportunity to Create Photographic Evidence that our older sister, SHa, was really into exercise at this point in her career.  Our Art Shot of SHa, resplendent in a Metallica t-shirt TUCKED INTO the board shorts she made in 8th grade Home Economics, has been retained for future emergencies.

But we digress.

KMu is having an out of body experience because her parents actually live on Hilton Head.  Further, her buttocks have sat upon the very seats in which the buttocks of First Peter and others are now honorably bestowed.   “This is really weird,” says she.

As KMu is trying to process These New Circumstances, a date card comes.  FroZone reads it.  “Dean Go Black/Not Back:  Our love is about to take off.”

Dean GB/NB is excited because he’s anxious to show RLind that he is “more than a smiley guy.”  Annoying Eric, who got a rose last week, is upset because he has to “sit on the bench and wait my turn.” We hate him.

So here we are on the date with Dean GB/NB, which apparently involves driving a jeep into a field and then drinking champagne on its hood.  Our Heroine reveals that when she was a child, she was fascinated by blimps, or “bimps.”  Dean GB/NB reveals that he is terrified of heights. 

We know that none of you can imagine, nay, even anticipate, what happens next on this date.   

As a blimp touches down in the field where RLind and Dean are grazing, Dean pees a little.   RLind promises to hold his hand if he gets nervous, but not if he pukes.   The BNU is just upset that Jake The Pilot  Is not driving this thing.

We interrupt the BNU for a Very Important Announcement:  Our friend SHaa recently met El Piloto, crawled over him (in a very professional way), and thereafter obtained A Hug.  She reports that he Smells Very Nice.   We instantly forgive him for picking Le Sausage and also, for appearing on Dancing With Some Stars.   We also wish we could have met El Piloto, though the Inner Hilarity of the Experience and also, Outer Rumpled Appearance of this Author make such a meeting Fraught With Peril for all Self Edit Involved.

In any event, RLind and Dean Go Black/Not Back get in the blimp, DRIVE the blimp, claim they both like adventure, and kiss as they toast to “taking the relationship to new heights, literally and figuratively.”  But lo, trouble may be brewing for Dean because he is only 25 and RLind is 32.  WHAT?  So this kid is basically out of college?   

RLind confronts the age difference at dinner, which they eat after RLind “stumbles on a table and some chairs” in the words of ABe.   Lo, for RLind is worried that Dean is not ready to get married and start a family.  She hopes she can “go deeper” with him.

ABe:  HAHAHAHAH.

Demonstrating more date acumen than the average man of his age, Dean Go Black/Not Back leads out with a question:  “Tell me about your upbringing.”  They reveal that they were both raised in strict religious families.  However, his mother died when he was 15, and that basically caused him to raise himself from age 15-18 as his family life fell apart.  He laughs a little deprecatingly instead of crying, we cry for him, RLind cries for him, and he gets the rose.

RLind:  “Dean, You have always intrigued me. . “

ABe: “Ever since you said that offensive thing to me. . .”

This date ends in the street listening to “some shitty band,” (KMu), which is some person named Russell Dickerson singing about how he was “in a boat stuck in a bottle that never get a chance to touch the sea.”

KMu: HAHAHAHA.

Blah blah something about “burned out stars in the galaxy, just lost in the sky, wondering why everyone else shines out but me.”    They kiss and it is not terrible.

Meanwhile, Date Card #2 comes.   It’s a group date, for The Russian, First Peter, Goose, the Tickle Guy, Adam of the Doll, Matt, Kenny, Racist Lee, Iggy, Annoying Eric, Will, and The Special Prosecutor.  We think it says “I want to see who has commitment”  but we weren’t really paying attention.

This means that Jack the Lawyer gets the eventual 1:1 date.  We anticipate this also means he will be going home on said date, as rare the lawyer that makes it past this point in the show.

This date involves a party boat.  RLind has worn a set of lampshades for the occasion.

The Special Prosecutor concludes: “Rachel is looking fine as wine.” 

Kenny declares that not even Racist Lee, whose various horrible comments this Author is Choosing to Omit from this Blog, can “ruin my mood.”

And then the men decide to do a Dance Slam for Our Heroine, which is essentially a junior high dance circle.  Followed by Freestyle rap, and a push up contest in which The Special Prosecutor does 20 pushups with RLind sitting on him.

ABe:  “I just.  Cannot.”

We love Special Peter, who uses “Fart” in his freestyle. 

By this point, the Special Prosecutor has worked us into a Lather of Distaste, as he continues to boast of his physical excellency and his close relationship with Our Heroine.  Fortunately, we have a Bachelor Nation Spelling Bee to level the playing field a bit.  This should be good.

Iggy things he is going to do “fantastically” at spelling:  F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C-A-L-Y. 

RLind is excited because she thinks “Intelligence is extremely sexy.”

All of Us, Surveying the Field:  HAHAHHHAA.

KMu:  “Hey, you want some more wine?”
This Author:  “I will not say no to more wines.”

The words our Intelligent Set of Men must spell are as follows:  Squirt, Passion, Caress, Schmuck, Euphoric.   For real.  We are slightly amazed that “spell your name” isn’t one of the requests.

Kenny eventually is felled by “champagne,” which he spells N-G-E at the end.  Then Iggy spells Bordeaux instead of Boudoir and we have no words.  Annoying Eric  stumbles on façade, spelling it P-H-A . . . and we die a little in the wake of No Child Left Behind.

Devastatingly, First Peter cannot spell coitus.  “Q-U-I . . .” he struggles.  SERIOUSLY?

Now we’re down to The Special Prosecutor, FroZone, and Will.  This cannot be happening.   The 

Special Prosecutor gets the softball “stunning.”  He smooth talks into the microphone, “out of all the women here, Rachel is by far the most stunning,” spells it, and sits down.    Then, because ABC are a group of asshats, they give Fro-Zone the word “boutonniere.”  Really?  REALLY? 

FroZone forgets the U and sits down.  We begin to get worried.   

But we become even more concerned when Will cannot spell Physiological.  “P-S-Y . . “ and he sits down.  

The Special Prosecutor gets another softball:  Polyamorous.   He wins and we hate him.  We hate him even more when he kisses his trophy multiple times and talks about how fabulous he is, followed by pouring a drink into it so that he can sip from the cup.   

Like a balm to our troubled souls, First Peter finds some time with RLind, who is delighted that he freestyled, as it was “the biggest surprise of the night.”

KMu: “Plus he’s from Wisconsin.”

They admit that they both would move for the right person, AND she reveals that she is licensed to practice in Wisconsin.  KMu, our fact checker in chief, says “that’s right.  She graduated from Marquette, and is therefore automatically admitted to practice in Wisconsin.  Further, she practiced there for several years following law school.”  This is why KMu is Unstoppable at Trivia and also, why this Author, who rarely does more to prepare than drink some wine and write some stuff, is not.

Meanwhile, the men talk about how amazed they are that RLind is an active, successful female attorney.  We raise our glass in agreement that she is indeed a diamond shitting unicorn.   Of course, she is only 5-6 years out of law school, so she’s now at the cusp of the second wave of women quitting the field.  We therefore reserve judgment.  

  ANYWAY, Our Heroine tells Annoying Eric that cleaning house and watching Ratchet TV after work are her stress releases.
KMu:  “I would like her to come to my house.”

Then Iggy, who is just so, so . . . DEEDY, decides to take his 1:1 time to point out that he questions the Special Prosecutor.  Naturally, Mr. Deeds does so only because he is “weirdly protective” of her. That’s right, he bent RLind’s ear in the spirit of protective guidance last week over Annoying Eric, and now, he is doing the same about the Special Prosecutor.

Annoying Eric, who must be drunk because he is making sense for what surely is the first time, tells Mr. Deeds that he is “continuing to be in the sauce,” and that RLind will make up her own mind about everyone.  There is no need to try to guide her in that respect.

The Special Prosecutor:  “With all due respect, Mr. Deeds is a bitch.”

Blah Blah the story of this date is that ABC tries to make racism the hot story line, much like they made violence against women the story line of season Jo Jo.  We hate them, and we hate Racist Lee, who sing songs to Rachel about how he is such a “genuine and positive person” that people think he is “disingenuous,” lays all the blame at Kenny’s door for their exchanges, then delights to the camera in setting up Kenny’s back and trying to bury him. 

We feel bad for Kenny, who is trying to be an adult, but also working himself up about Racist Lee. 

  WALK AWAY, KENNY, WALK AWAY. 

But he does not.  The episode ends on a TO BE CONTINUED, with Kenny walking Racist Lee outside to have a private talk.  The previews for next week show some blood.  Oh dear.

KLo.

PS, next week is a double-header.  We may try to make it a single with the miracles of technology, but we promise nothing except that ABe will be in town. YAY.  

Fifty Shades Part The Show Did Not Air So Don't Castigate This Author

Babies, KMu and this Author had already uncorked the wine and dialed ABe up on the FaceTimes before we realized that the Bachelorette did not air this week because someone at the network decided that Basketball Was More Important than *Love.*  So, while we had a very nice evening, we are sorry but there are No Big Deals to Report until next week.

Love, KLo.

Fifty Shades Darker Part 3: Big Balls

“Oops, I *accidentally* opened the good wine,” says KMu as she liberally pours that fortifying beverage for ABe and this Author.  Lo, for we had forgotten that last week’s episode ended abruptly on a cliff hanger without a rose ceremony.  We can’t remember why until we see Lexi Who Doesn’t Drink Enough Water or Eat Enough Cheeseburgers confronting DeMario in the gym about His Infidelities and it all comes Flooding Back.

Suddenly, RLind is walking in her dress to confront DeMario and she is wearing the black kitty and nothing good is happening.  And also, the guys are pouring out of the house to lend her support. KMu is 95% sure that the bodyguard in a little hat, Vince, is hustling back and forth.   

DeMario:  “I did not keep it real, but I can’t let you go.” 

DeMario again:  “I want to be able to move forward and regain your trust.  One of my favorite quotes is in order to experience joy, you have to experience pain. On my uber ride up here, I explained to my uber driver that I am going after the woman of my dreams.. . .”

RLind, for All Women, Everywhere: “I need a man who, when confronted with his mistakes, owns them.  And I gave you time after time to own up. But you didn’t. And what I saw yesterday in the gym, was a boy.  I am looking for a man.  I need you to move forward.  And forward is not into the mansion, but out there” [gestures down the driveway].   Thank you for the quote but I hope that this pain brings you joy elsewhere.”

Slow.  Clap.

DeMario:  “Damn.”

Josiah the Prosecutor Helpfully Mansplains what RLind just said: “You know, she is woman, and she is looking for a man.” 

Off we go to the “men” still standing.  We must suffer through The Tickle Guy showing up with giant fake hands to grope Rachel, which somehow makes her LAUGH, and the Russian is completing a Rubix Cube while talking to her, which is trying way, WAY too hard.   Fortunately, Kenny saves the day by showing Rachel photos of his daughter, but all too soon, KMu is gasping over some guy who has put up  a Little Tykes Basketball Hoop (BMu has the same one) and dunked a nerf ball in order to earn a kiss.

But the real story is that Five Minute Blake and The Boob (wha-booming in the corner) are once again going at it.  We think the Boob must be drunk because he’s using his 1:1 time with Rachel to tell a story about how Five Minute Blake was standing over his bed eating a banana. Then this happens:

RLind to Five Minute Blake:  “The Boob said something about you standing over his bed, . . . eating a banana.” 
This Author:  OMG YOU ARE NOT PURSUING THIS.  And also, there’s always money in the banana stand, babies.
Five Minute Blake:  “Well, first of all, I eat a Ketogenic Diet so I do not eat bananas. . . “

Hahahaha.  

In any event, at last we get to the rose ceremony.  Joining First Peter, Dean Go Black/Not back, and Josiah the Prosecutor with Roses, we have:

1. Goose

2.  Bryce (ABe: "What? Who is that guy?")

3.  Eric

4.  Anthony.  We don’t know him. 

5.  Will.   Again, not ringing a bell, but he had the Little Tykes hoop.

[The Boob, to the camera:  “Rachel is a smart ass chick.”  We have no words).

6.  The Tickle guy (ABe:  “Not THAT guy!!!  EEEERRRGH”)

7. The Lawyer.

8.  Matt.  Penguin.

9.  The Russian

10.  Adam of the Creepy Doll.

11.  Kenny!! YAYAAAAA

[The Boob:  Let the big dog eat!!” what??]

12.  Zoolander

13.  Racist Lee.  We hate him.

14.  Iggy.

15.  Third Grade Fred.

16.  Diggy.  YEEES.

Both Five Minute Blake and The Boob get the axe.  Five Minute is stunned, and actually gives Rachel a hard time for putting them in the “same category.”  But upon exiting the mansion, things get weirder. Lo, for The Boob and Five Minute Blake are doing their exit interviews on opposite sides of the drive way.  The Boob starts heckling Five Minute Blake.

Five Minute Black: “F--k you bro. You’re a piece of shit.  You’re here to be on TV.  You’re a wanna be comedian. A washed up joke. Hwhwhwhwhaaa –boom.”
The Boob:   “Go back to your protein shake.”

And so it continues for like five minutes.

ABE, for All of Us:  this is the dumbest fight ever.

KMu:  “What is happening?? They’ve literally told each other off five times in a row.” 

At some point, this ends or we just *forget* to take notes.  Either way, it is a new day at the mansion, and Chris Harrison, whose “only role was to stand under a ladder and look concerned last episode,” in the words of KMu, is now explaining how things will work this week.   Apparently, there will be 2 group dates and a 1:1 that can ‘only be had in LA.”

The first date card comes, and it is for Goose, Tickle, First Peter, the Russian, Will, and Third Grade Fred.  “Lilghts, Camera, Action,” it says.  And also, “Come join me on the set of Ellen.”

YEEEESSSS.

We love Ellen, who upon greeting the men aggressively tickles The Tickler.
KMu:  “I like that she just violated him.”

We are staring longingly at Goose, who is extremely good looking.  We wish he didn’t kiss like his name.  Ellen, meanwhile, wants to know who has already swapped the spit with RLind, leading The Tickler to be surprised that someone has done that already.

ABe:  “Have any of you ever WATCHED this show???”
ABe again: “I love you First Peter!!!!!”
[First Peter is professing his nervousness at being on the Ellen show]

Suddenly, Ellen has instructed the men to take their shirts off and dance, and they are grinding up on various members of the Ellen audience, who are further stuffing dollar bills in the waistbands of All and Sundry and we don’t know where to look.  Except at The Tickler, who is looking wildly around as he does the white man overbite.

Ellen: “Tickle guy does not dance well.”

Unfortunately, The Russian does, as he is now progressing to lap dances.
RLind:  “He’s too into it.”
KMu:  “He literally just ground up on a grandma.  #Idontknowwhosegrandmathatwas.”

Babies, this is like the Thunders from All of the Down Unders, which we attended with our SHa, who sat with Wrap Attention as we wanted to sink with mortification behind the bolderess thankfully obstructing our view.

During a game of Never Have I Ever, we learn that First Peter and the Russian have never ever thought of sleeping with RLind.  We don’t believe them and neither does Ellen.  Also, The Russian admits to peeing in the pool at the mansion, and First Peter AND the Russsian have texted nude selfies. 

“But it was classy,” says the Russian.

Third Grade Fred further admits that he hooked up with someone twice his age.  “She was like, 40.”
Clearly, we are too old for this show.
Ellen:  “All the women here are like, “nothing wrong with that!!”

We still don’t think that Third Grade Fred has the horses to keep up with Rachel so we hold our counsel.

At the cocktail party after Ellen, Third Grade Fred is telling the camera how much he loves Rachel, has had a crush on her since kindergarten, and thinks of her day and night.
KMu:  “This always ends well.”

Meanwhile, the Russian is lecturing RLind about how if you look at someone left eye to left eye, you are emotionally open to them, and right eye to right eye is analytical.  We think in terror of all the work colleagues with whom we might have left-eyed.   Next up, Goose sticks his tongue down Rachel’s throat followed by First Peter, canoodling on the couch.  

ABe:  “Mmmm, First Peter.  FIRST PETER.  OMG, sorry KLo.  I didn’t realize I said that outloud.”
RLind to First Peter:  RLind: “I’m not getting up.”
KMu: “He’s all, ‘you’re not getting up but I am.’”
ABe:  “I’m gettin up just lookin at you girl.”

Keep it classy, BNU.

But now it is Third Grade Fred’s turn and it is terrible.  He tries to be respectful and asks to kiss her, which backfires and turns it into an awkward thing, and then he is mooning about seeing her in a wedding dress as she is like “Yeah, I still see him as a child.  His kiss was like a boy too.” 

 Confusingly, she picks up the date rose and asks to speak to him alone.  Where she promptly dumps him. 

This Author:  “WHY DID SHE PICK UP THE ROSE?”
KMu:  “I suspect because production made her.”
This Author:  “WHY IS SHE WEARING A ONESIE.”  For we realize that it is a pants suit onesie entirely open in the front. 

Group date rose goes to the Russian.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Eric is doing push ups and complaining that he “don’t feel no passion” from Rachel and that she is “emotionally unavailable to him,” after, you know, one day.
This Author:  “Well if you can’t manage grammar, you are not the guy for Rachel.”
KMu: “If we were here for a grammar check, we would be here all week.”

Fortunately, we don’t have to deal with Eric any further because the second date card has come and it is for Anthony.   “Meet me at the rodeo” it says.  We don’t know Anthony, who apparently does something or other with Education Software.  This does not stop us from realizing that he looks like FroZone from the Incredibles:

In any event, this date requires FroZone to ride a horse down Rodeo drive and into a store named “West” where two hipsters that do not look like they’ve worked outside a day in their lives are going to sell him some boots.   Next stop:  the cupcake dispenser outside of Sprinkles Cupcakes (still on horses) aaaaaaand, some other store where FroZone starts to get a little nervous that his horse, Fred, is going to “let it loose.”  Sure enough, as they are drinking champagne with the nervous store clerk and looking at t-shirts that say “too glam to give a damn,” Ted drops a load.

FroZone:  “Ted is too glam to give a damn.”

Hahahahaa.

At dinner, FroZone starts to grow on us as he explains that he was an oldest son, and was always looking after the younger folks in his family.  Oh, he was not wealthy but he felt rich in love!  Oh, that’s why he started teaching – to pay it forward!

Ok, we are starting to like FroZone.    He gets the Rose as they dance in front of a jazz quartet.

Back at the house, we are jolted awake because First Peter has walked in with the final date card and he is wearing the Salmon Shorts of Rage.

ABe: “It’s like they pass them down, from generation to generation.”

This date is for Zoolander, Dean Black/Not Back, Kenny, Some guy named Bryce, Racist Lee, The Lawyer, and Eric.  “Sometimes in relationships, the women have to take charge,” it reads.  We hate the language of this date card for 1,000 different reasons.  We also hate Eric, who says that Iggy “brung up” something or other and then proceeds to go apeshit on Iggy.

We don’t like Iggy (None of Us) because he just isn’t interesting. But we are also the Dutiful Daughter of an English Professor who made us conjugate “began, began, begun” over and over beside the dining room table until we stopped saying that we “had begun to run” as a child.  And we can’t but secretly wish that Eric had the same obstacle placed between him and Ice Cream for Dessert as a child because He Is Making Us BatShit.

At any rate, Iggy Brung Up something and Eric is now mad.   But we don’t get to dwell on it because RLind has brought “her girls” – the same stringy looking children from last season that we don’t know (Raven, Corrinne, Jasmine, Alexis) and they have planned the next group date.

Raven has forgotten her back and bottoms:

This Author:  “Can you imagine if she has to poop?  It’s probably like the Playdough Fun Factory back there.”

Off we go in a party bus, where Raven displays her bad judgment by asking both Racist Lee an some guy named Bryce which man is not there for the “right reasons.”  Both say Eric.  Oooo.  But before we can get anywhere with this piece of information, we are thrust into scenes of these men dancing on the pole so helpfully placed in the middle of the party bus.    This follows by the Big Reveal that they will be mud wrestling on this date in front of a randomly assembled group of women screaming things like “TAKE IT OFF!!” and “SHOW ME YOUR JUNK!!!!”

KMu: “I say this as a lover of men.  Never have I wanted to see junk.”

This Author takes another walk down our collegiate memory lane, in which a friend of ours, who was very fond of swimming, Got An Eyeful one time while Doing The Crawl.  The unfortunate man who was choosing to exit the pool at that very moment, thereinafter nick-named Big Balls, Shall Not Be Forgotten.

But I digress.

Kenny is terrifying us as he prepares for this match”  “It doesn’t matter if it’s the bachelorette, Ring of honor, or anywhere else for Pretty Boy Pit Bull to get busy.”  And then he barks.   We acknowledge that the barking does cause Kenny to slip slightly in our esteem, but only slightly.

So blah blah, Bryce beats Zoolander because Bryce Was A Younger Brother,  Dean Go Black/Not Back wins over Eric, Kenny slays the Attorney, and Racist Lee, and then blows a kiss to RLind, causing us to love him.  Sadly in the end, Bryce beats Kenny.

Of note on this date is the fact that RLind says “my girls” about 100 times, “her girls” tell her that Eric is not right for her, and Kenny reveals that he was a Chippendale Dancer – just like this Author’s Junior High Gym Teacher – when he first came to Vegas.

RLind:  “I called it!! I was like, ‘he’s too familiar with that pole!”

Blah blah uninteresting stuff with other men until Eric shows up, declares he’s vulnerable through a series of inarticulate grammar landmines, and GETS THE ROSE on this date.

He then stomps back to the other guys and freaks out at them again because RLind had revealed that several of them had said he wasn’t there for the “right reasons.”  Through this, The Lawyer and Kenny beat a hasty retreat, causing us to love them, and Racist Lee slowly emerges as the latest villain as he baits Eric.  “Eric doesn’t like losing.  Neither do I,” he declares.

Iggy tells RLind that he got “protective” over her, and then says the same to the guys, causing Iggy and Eric to have yet another confrontation, and then Iggy complains to RLind, and RLind pulls Eric aside and threatens to take back the rose, and we are just so bored we don’t care.

Stay tuned for next week, which will continue to be on a time delay because we will be In The Big City on Monday and also, we are enamored of Time Delays. 

KLo