AriE Part 8: Hometownzzz

Up to this point (or in the world of horrible legal writing:  heretofore), this Tiny Author had understood that the first episode of the bachelor and also the Tell All Items, were the most boring of this show.  But babies, that all changed with Hometownzzzzz today.   Which were actually last week.  But whatever.

First up is with Kendall in LA, whom AriE tells us is “not your average girl” because she is both “quirky” and “curious.”  We mourn for the average girl.  We also mourn for Kendall, who is too good for this show even though she takes him to a taxidermy warehouse and forces AriE to stuff rats. 

Our college friend J was an R.A., which meant that she got to keep all the secret pets of her friends over break, including one Hamlet the Hamster.  Except that Hamlet escaped his cage and was found, days later, with his little jowels filled with various items found on  college dorm room including but not limited to Lint and Also, Leaf Cuttings.  He died shortly thereafter.  At which point J and Hamlet’s owner decided to Preserve Him for All Eternity because this Author’s classmate, E, knew a little taxidermy.  

“Bring something anhydrous to stuff him,” E whispered late one evening as they made plans to meet at the biology lab.  “And something for the eyes.”

They brought laundry detergent and red buttons.

In the dead of night, the trio basically turned sweet little Hamlet (RIP) into Sweeny Todd, the demon hamster of Fleet Street.   Horrified by the monster they had created, they subsequently threw Sweeny Hamlet outside our dorm room.  And then it rained.  At which point they all discovered that laundry detergent was not, in fact, so anhydrous after all. 

Sadly, AriE’s date with Kendall is not so spectacular.  Instead, AriE appropriately observes that “this is some silence of the lambs stuff,” as Kendall says that taxidermy is but another way to appreciate an animal more. And then they drink some lemonade while This Author wonders how many hands were washed.

Next up, we meet Dad Bob, Mom Michelle, identical twin sister Kylie, and Hot Brother.  Kendall notes that AriE is more “compassionate” than other men she has brought home and we tell her to Do Better.  

But basically, a lot of this date involves trying to figure out what room of the house 1:1 times are happening in.  Lo, for there are beads.  Like, a LOT of beads, and bobbles, and a wood carving that says “breathe” or “soul” or something and we conclude this must be the Room of Good Energy.  We forgive the family this room because we love them (All of Them).  Mom tells Kendall that AriE is right for her if she feels her heart opening up to him, rather than closing.   The Twin notes a bit of space between AriE and Kendall, and tells AriE that she sees Kendall ready for a deep love, but not marriage on the compressed timeline that is this show.   Dad says basically the same thing;  Kendall is not a rush into it kind of lady. 

Every ounce of all of us tells Kendall to Run from This Situation but instead this date ends with her confessing her feelings to AriE while he says he “loves that” about 100 times and also, that she “shouldn’t be scared.”    

Next up we meet Tia in Weiner, Arkansas (pop. 716).  We are still mad at Tia from last week, and our feelings do not improve when Tia takes AriE to a local speedway to race cars.  We laugh when AriE looks at his car and says “wow, that is  . . . .an . . . older model; I’ve never driven that.”  We also wonder What Kind of Witchery is Afoot in Weiner to have real life racing cars in such a tiny town, however old.

Babies, before this Tiny Author Became A Suit, we used to go to the very rural local speedway for fun.  And it was not uncommon to hear “My baby traded in his trailer for that one!” and also, “He’s racing his own car; better hope he can get to work on Monday.”

AriE zooms around, making Tia excited.  Meh.  

It is dawning upon us (All of Us) that ABC is trying out a new formula where they get the Thoughts and Prayers of Family prior to the meeting the family moment.   Because now we are also meeting Tia’s family before AriE does, and learning that the Brother thinks he’s going to be tough, while the dad well Tell All From the Handshake (which we hate to admit really does say a lot).

Soon ARiE comes and the family is toasting with mini-wieners and we pretty much want to die:

In the end, Brother is not, in fact, a hard ass.  We give him points for this, though: “So, I hear you’re bit of a playboy.  Is that something I have to look forward to?” AriE naturally tells the Brother that he is ready to settle down.  Meanwhile, Tia is telling her dad not to worry and confessing her deep deep love to her mother.  We appreciate Dad, who defers to Tia’s judgment when AriE attempts to get his blessing and then says, “If you hurt her, I will find you on google.”

This date ends with Tia and AriE kissing on a swing and saying how much they will miss each other.  

We are rapidly becoming intolerably bored.

The third date with Other Becca does not improve our mood.  They have a “great day in the apple orchard,” which Other Becca tries to convince us all is something she does every year, including but not limited to making caramel apples and slingshotting other apples towards a target.   We learn that 

Other Becca’s dad died when she was 19, which is terribly sad, and that Uncle Gary has effectively taken his place as the protective father figure.

We see Uncle Gary:  “This is ridiculous; it is way too fast,” says he, for All of Us.   Some other guy says, “She’s a pragmatic Minnesota girl, she won’t lose her head” or something similar, and we love them.

But Babies, this is just so boring.  After an obligatory “let’s do this damn thing!” from Other Becca (STABBY STABBY STABBY), she brings AriE inside the house and at some point, announces to someone that she knows he’s the one.  Uncle Gary tries to be tough but caves.  Mom wisely tells AriE that she trusts her daughter completely, so the best blessing AriE’s going to get out of her is to say that if Other Becca chooses him, Mom will honor her choice.

Blah blah they end the date underneath a kitty in the front yard while she tells AriE her feeling and he once again says he “loves that.”

Last stop is Orange Lauren in Virginia Beach.  It is patently obvious that the one ARiE actually cares about in all this is her, as he is visibly and verbally more nervous.  Orange Lauren makes ARiE ride horses on the beach, where she simultaneously says she never rides horses but also, that this is her “happy place.”  AriE feels that they are in a “great place” after all of two dates.

So we don’t known what Orange Lauren’s parents do, but the family lives in a giant brick house with a giant pool and also, they are all very glossy and blonde.  Gentle readers, there are women in this family that wear pantyhose.  Like it’s their job. 

At any rate, the dad is clearly high ranking military and quizzes AriE as to whether he has ever been in the military or known anyone in the military or (now grasping at straws) plays any golf???  AriE says no to all of the above, has a little silent melt down and ends up excusing himself to calm down. 

Fortunately, he saves himself later on by saying that he once did a USO tour in Iraq for the military stationed there.

Orange Lauren’s dad tells AriE that the family trusts Lauren, that she’s smart and mature, while Mom is like “really? REALLY???” to basically everything that ariE says (“Are you saying this to other women?” etc) and the aunt plays the role of aunt and allows Orange Lauren to dream that she can find a partner in this whole thing.  We actually start to wonder, as both Orange Lauren and AriE independently say that they are very similar to each other and  that (on her end), they can be in a room of 15 people and she can tell what he is thinking.

AriE goes in for the “will you give me your blessing,” thing and Mom says “I have to trust Lauren.”   AriE also tells everyone that he is falling in love with Orange Lauren (but hold your hats because he said that about the other women too) and we begin to envision the pitch forks that await him at the end of this.

They kiss goodbye and we notice for the first time that Orange Lauren is wearing a short sleeve spandex velvet shirt like it is 1995.  

At last, here we are at the rose ceremony back in LA.  Other Becca arrives in a giant pink ruffle.  Kendall is in blue – meh.  And Tia is honoring the Olympics with what surely is the “Mother of the Bride” version of a skating dress:

  

We hate this dress. 

We hate it more when Tia turns and we discover little pearl buttons up the mesh in the back.

Orange Lauren, on the other hand, somehow pulls off black mesh.

So AriE tries to get started, and then walks out again to collect himself.  And then returns to . . . .collect Kendall.  As Tia debates who among them is the most likely to go home, AriE is, not unreasonably, asking some very pointed questions of Kendall in private:

AriE:  “I need to know if you can move forward in this process and if you are actually ready to be engaged?”
Kendall:  “I’m not ready for this to end.”
AriE:  “No, that’s not what I asked you.  I asked whether you can get engaged at the end of this and feel comfortable in that decision.”

Kendall very obviously cannot but somehow dances for her life with a “well, I love the way you make me feel.”  

Dear baby Kendall, it should not be this hard.  Run. Away.  Go find your taxidermy partner in crime.

But this is apparently enough for AriE, who comes back in and gives roses to:

1. Other Becca (we only wish she had said something about doing the damn thing when she accepted the rose)

2.  Orange Lauren, aaaaaand

3. Kendall!!

We are simultaneously happy and sad for Kendall.   Meanwhile, Tia’s face is completely blank.  She says her goodbyes in shock and then begins the Ugly Cry.   Of course, she thinks its her.  She summons the words, between sobs, to tell AriE to follow his heart, and then Ugly Cries again to all of us in the limo.  She puts up walls, etc. 

Stay tuned for. . . OMG, this show is on TONIGHT.  Noooooo.  So, the Women Tell All tonight (which honestly, this viewer may not be able to stand but we will try).  Followed by Peru tomorrow, with lots of crying and also, some llamas and an old boyfriend.

We will blog it in due course.

Bye Babies. 

-KLo

AriE Part 7: It's So Italian

Well, we are in Tuscany until apparently tomorrow because This Author still cannot make herself watch this show except on the weekend.
Tia:  “I had to look at a map today to figure out what part of Italy we are in.  Tuscany is like a REGION.”
Orange Lauren:  “Why do you think it’s leaning?” (re: the Leaning Tower of Pisa).

It’s going to be a long couple of hours.

Chris Harrison meets the remaining women in an open square, confusingly telling them to “Come right on in.”  He announces that next week is hometown dates, and that there will be no rose ceremony this week.  Instead, there will be three 1:1 dates and a group date.   The lucky ladies to get the roses will bring AriE home.  Oooo.

Jacqueline tells us that she’s “at this weird precipice where I could MAKE myself fall in love.  I really think I could do it.”   We become worried, as Jacqueline is not dissimilar to this Author’s young self, whose initial approach to dating was “well, I guess I have to go on a date sometime.  How bad can this guy be?” Only to find ourselves suddenly receiving Items Drenched in Cologne with No Discernable Way Out except The Big Dump in which he shouted that This Author had “Used Our Love.”  

In summary, dear baby Jacqueline, we have no doubt that you can make yourself do any number of things because you are clearly very disciplined and smart.  Just please, on this one, NO.

The first date card comes for Other Becca.  “Let’s fall in love under the Tuscan sun.” As AriE drives up in a red sports car to whisk her off to a tiny city, Other Becca says, “Let’s do the damn thing.”  We are tired of this phrase, said both when she met AriE and also, on their first date 7 weeks ago (7 weeks this Author is Never Getting Back).

AriE and Other Becca have no plans except a quiet day to walk the city, get a picnic, and so forth.  That sounds just perfect, except we don’t understand why every time Other Becca talks she throws her head back and shows us her chicken giblets.  We also don’t understand why AriE just asked the Italian bread vendor, in English, “How do you say ‘small’?” 

Other Becca delights in how traveling around Europe on ABC’s dime feels “just like real life.”  Also, she has never traveled with a boyfriend except to go to San Diego with her ex but can clearly see that AriE is a great travel companion.

Exercising Jacqueline-like judgment, this Author once went to Nepal with her ex-boyfriend approximately 1 week after the end of that relationship.  En route we missed every single flight due to weather issues, all critical materials for the international conference he was scheduled to manage because He Did Not Think Ahead, as well as his plane ticket when he threw a hissy somewhere in Germany and his ticket dropped in the little slit between the front of the ticket counter and counter part (Which This Author Did Not Even Know Was Possible), necessitating security coming with some special key to get it out again.  So we can say, with great conviction, that traveling with someone has the ability to clarify, quickly, any doubts one has about remaining as a couple.  We can say with equal conviction that traveling in the style AriE and Other Becca will not provide that necessary test.

AriE and Other Becca have a picnic, in which he reveals that he “really likes” Other Becca but needs to see how things “grow.” You know, three weeks before the end of this thing.  Other Becca pours out her heart, they consume an entire bottle of wine, and kiss.  In the park. On the ledge of some building.  AGAINST said building. Into the sunset.

At dinner, and after AriE tells the cameras that he didn’t know Other Becca felt deeply for him, he tells  her that he is falling for her because what could possibly go wrong with that kind of admission.  

She gets the rose.

Meanwhile back at the house, Jacqueline is having anxiety to Kendall.  She admits to having an amazing date with him, but that she has swirling doubts about the feasibility of their relationship in light of the accelerated process that is The Bachelor.  We are pretty sure that Kendall and Jacqueline are two of three remaining women who would understand and/or use the word “feasibility” (the other being Young B).  Kendall encourages Jacqueline to talk to AriE.

So after AriE gets back home from his date with Other Becca, Jacqueline knocks on his door.  After drinking a healthy swig of his wine (ha ha ha) Jacqueline confesses that part of her is falling for him but that she isn’t confident enough in her feelings to go to home towns.  She’s worried that she’s going to end up in Scottsdale, married to him and wondering how the hell it happened. 

TEAM JACQUELINE.

AriE, reasonably, is like “uh . . . you understand that doesn’t have to happen right away, right?”
Jacqueline:  “GAH.  I am outrageously attracted to you, but I just can’t do this.”
Jacqueline again: [DRINKS MORE WINE].

She kisses him, rips off the band aid again, kisses him again, and lets herself out.  And then cries in the hallway about how she doesn’t know if she trusts her instincts and she “sucks at being happy.”

Gurl.  GURL.  Your instincts are saving your butt right now so just go with it.

As Jacqueline tells the other women that she is leaving, Kendall sobs.  We feel bad for Kendall, who is one of two remaining women with any kind of snap.

AriE feels “blindsided,” even though he was worried that she had six years of school left because that’s probably more school than he’s ever attended. Fortunately, he has a date with Orange Lauren to distract him.  Lo, for during the date with Other Becca, a second card came for Orange Lauren. 

“Let’s break down our walls,” the card says.

“Wow.” Says Orange Lauren.  “I was not expecting that."

We wish it wasn’t Sunday and also, too early to start drinking.

Suddenly, we find ourselves bike riding around another small town with AriE and Orange Lauren.  
OL: “I’m so excited!”
OL again:  “He looks adorable.”
OL AGAIN [as AriE does bike tricks]:  “What in the world?”
OL A FOURTH TIME [this one about the city]:  “It looks very Italian.”

We.  Just.  Cannot.

This date can be summarized as AriE really, REALLY wanting his relationship with a Pretty Lampshade to work.  They get some gelato and walk around in silence.  They eat pizza for lunch and she says nothing.  He fills the empty air with his own nervous chatter until a child “accidentally” kicks a soccer ball their way and he and Orange Lauren get up to play soccer in the piazza because, again, that is what happens in real life.

Babies, this Author recently got hit with a soccer ball from some kid while we were walking across A Nearby University.  We threw that ball back as hard as we could and kept right on walking.  Perhaps this is why Orange Lauren, and not This Author, is on The Bachelor.  

Anyway, Orange Lauren is worried about getting hurt.  AriE, meanwhile, is like “if I cannot squeeze blood from this rock, I’m going to have to send her home.”  

A producer must have warned Orange Lauren which way the wind was blowing, because suddenly over dinner she is putting words together once again.  After giving a big toast to “breaking down walls” she confesses that she is terrified to bring him home because he is not like anyone else she has ever dated, and ALSO that it is “obvious to me that I am starting to fall in love with you.”

This terrible, pained expression crosses AriE’s face.  He is completely silent for a full 20 seconds, and then say he will be “right back.”  Then he goes for a walk in the dark.

We feel bad for Orange Lauren.  She is, without question, a very private person and this is probably not the best reaction one could give her after she puts everything out there.  She sits quietly and blinks back tears, later telling the camera that she fears she screwed up by saying too much.

When AriE returns from his walk, Orange Lauren is like “so . . . the look that came across your face right before you left.  It seems like something is off.  Am I right?”  And AriE confesses what is probably more true than anything else this episode: “I want SO BADLY to see myself with your family, nothing is off.” And he confesses that she makes him feel things that he has not felt in years, and then he says “I am falling so deeply in love with you it is crazy.”

What?  WHAT?  This is not going to end well.

Orange Lauren gets the rose.

Next up, date #3 for Seinne.  “I’m searching for the one” it says. Oooo, that means Kendall, Tia, and Young B are going on the group date.  Young B basically wants to throw up.

This date with Sienne involves truffle hunting.  We don’t care because we need to talk to Sienne about this:  

What is happening here?  Is this a body suit?  Do the holes go all the way down?  How does one pee? This is pretty much like This Author in a button down work shirt and we just want to run behind Sienne with a pile of safety pins.

We meet Guilio the truffle guy and his super cute dogs.  We try to get excited but we hate truffles the way some people hate cilantro.  We also hate AriE for this terrible play on words:  “I do dig Sienna. But can I dig deep enough?”

Oh look, Guilio’s family has, *completely spontaneously,* invited Sienne and AriE home for lunch with his extended family.  We are thrilled that Sienne puts an apron over The Situation Up Front to help make the pasta.  But then HOLY SHIT THE BACK IS THE SAME WAY.

This Author is now starting to sweat over the Crochet Onion Bag Bondage Situation, though we are momentarily distracted by AriE, who says (as he rolls some dough):  “I used to work in a pizza place, when I was very young.”  HHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

And then the situation gets worse.

The doily has capped-ish sleeves.

So blah blah they talk about love and romance and how truffles taste like the earth (YEAH they do), but we all know there is trouble brewing because (a) Sienne’s top, and (b) the following from AriE:  “Well, Sienne really likes me . . . and I enjoy spending time with her.” 

At dinner, Sienne does not improve her chances by wearing the shoestring that formerly ran through This Author’s winter coat to keep track of our mittens:

After some commentary about their differences, Sienne says that she “feels ready” to move forward and the clock begins to chime midnight in the background  (This Author Is Not Making It Up). 

  Following an awkward moment of silence to let the clock complete its death knell:
Sienne: “I don’t want this to be the end of our relationship.”
AriE:  “Yeah . . .  . . .”

And she gets the big dump.  

Back at Chez Ladies, Young B reacts to the rolling away of Sienne’s suitcases: “Omg, 2 roses tomorrow, my odds just went up.” This makes Tia decide she needs to “say something to AriE” on the morrow about Young B’s “seriousness” in all this (read: Age). Really? REALLY?  Because 

Young B just said out loud what all three of you are feeling?   

Yes, we are already on Date #4 with Young B, Tia, and Kendall. “Meet me at the Villa Reale” the card said.  We feel worried for Young B, who despite anxiety about going home, has chosen to wear a long denim skirt.  Nothing says “I want to progress” like the Conservative Baptists.

AriE wastes very little time whisking the women away for 1:1 time during this date.  First up is Kendall, who has no worries about their chemistry but rather, wants to know how their lives will fit together.  We love Kendall.  We love that she is close with her family. We love that she carefully considers moving forward with AriE and what that might mean.

We do not love Tia, who in the meantime has taken it up on herself to decide that Young B is not “serious” about this situation.  She torpedoes Young B in her 1:1 time with AriE:  “I don’t like being petty or talking about people, but Young B may be on a different page than the rest of us.  Not maturity or whatever, but just  . . . lack of experience.” 

Rage.  BURNING RAGE. 

But Tia is not done.  After smooching it up with AriE, she goes back and torpedoes Young B TO Young B.  “Yeah, I just wanted you to know that I told AriE I don’t think you are as serious about this as the rest of us.”

The look on Young B’s face is heart-breaking.   As Tia patronizes Young B, claiming she feels “like a big sister,” Young B begins to cry and says that she feels very hurt.  She doesn’t like not being seen for who she is, simply because of her age.  We hate that Young B is torpedoed by another woman.  We hate that it happens all the time.

Let the record reflect, Tia, that Young B is basically the only woman on this show that is confident enough in who she is not to bother with the false eyelashes or the hair dye (she shows her grey hairs to AriE), and to say exactly what she thinks. 

Of course, Young B goes into her 1:1 time with AriE crying, and needs to try to get ahold of herself.  And even though Tia just did the meanest thing imaginable in this situation, Young B is still careful:  “Maybe I misinterpreted it, but I feel like everyone from the start didn’t think I was serious about this.  And at this point, I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t serious with you.  I feel misunderstood, and I want to be seen for my heart.” 

So then he asks her “tough” stuff about her family and being ready, and she explains that her family has the same reservations any family would have (ie, can you really find a husband through a show?).  We are worried. 

After all of this, Kendall gets the rose, turning the rest of this date into a Sudden Death 2:1 for Tia and Young B.  We know Young B is going home when she shows up reasonably attired in a white sundress and Tia is wearing this Author’s Soldier Boy tap costume except Cut Down To Her Navel and toasts to being “open, honest, direct, and finding love at the end of this thing.”

After being completely reasonable, once again, in 1:1 time with AriE, Young B gets the total axe. 

NoOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Tia gloats:

Sonofabitch. 

Ever a class act, Young B tells him “it’s ok.  Things will end well for you; I know they will” as he hands her into the limo.  Once inside, she gasps with tears. 

Young B, you are too good for this show.

ArIE, the idiot, confesses to the camera that he’s been “talking himself out of” being with Young B for a long time.  He doesn’t see their lives fitting together, unfortunately, but he “really really likes her.”  And he sheds a little tear. 

Stay tuned for next week, which involves Hometowns, including but not limited to Protective Parents. 

-KLo

Arie Part 6: Lookie Here We Are.

Here we are in Paris.  Actually, we are NOT in Paris.  Rather, This Author is stranded in the desert wilderness airport of California by snowmaggedon in The Big City.  But Babies, dare we say, we shall Always Have Paris?  Or maybe we shouldn’t say “we” because Coach Krystal has come down the stairs singing about how she better shape up doo doo doo because she needs a man and we can only conclude she thinks she is attending Rydell High in the summer of 1959.

  

All the women declare that Paris is sexy and perfect to keep the spark going and we don’t even know what to think as they go towards some kind of pleasure boat that pretty much looks like The Continental’s Boudoir from SNL and Tia from Arkansas, who has probably never been to Paris, is like “It’s very Parisian!”

We light a virtual cigarette to blow a virtual smoke ring and also [this part is during the writing phase of this blog] crank up the Blood Sweat & Tears greatest hits into our earmuffs.  God bless the child, babies.

Meanwhile a Fireside Chat is occurring: 

 “Welcome to Paris, Man.”  Says Chris Harrison.
“Thanks, Dude.”  Says ArIE.

AriE again:  “This is really hard for me with 10 women here.  I can’t believe we are halfway through.”

This Author:  “For F*cks sake, we are on episode 6 and only half way through?!?”

Also, who is wearing the uni-diaper?

Oh, it’s Twitter.  Of course.

Coach Krystal is giving another lecture to the women as they wait on their Pleasureliner:  “Last week was really challenging.  But, I mean.  AriE. DID.  Give me a rosephsfweee.  Back in Ft. LauderDALE. And brought me all the way to PariS. So I think that this was a gesTURE.  That AriE.  Wants to continue the conversaTION. And try to work through itphfweeee.”  Somewhere between last week and this one, Coach Krystal has lost her inhaler and is now speaking in even shorter phrasES.  That go UP.  At the END.

We blow another virtual smoke ring and close our eyes.  Could smooth jazz from our childhood be the key to getting through this?    

So the Harrison announces four dates this week, including two 1:1 dates, a group date, and a dreaded 2:1.   Coach Krystal wants to know who will be on the 2:1 with her.  Ha ha.  Until this happens:

Coach Krystal:  “I’m not backing down and running away.  There’s just no one on my level.  Like to compare.”

[Sidebar] Should any Gentle Reader elect to join us in the soundtrack to which we are listening as we summarize these events, we are currently on “Lisa, Listen to Me.” 

So the first date card comes, and it is for a 1:1 with Orange Lauren, who has the reaction of a wooden spoon.  “Fall in love in Paris” it says (in French).   Immediately, AriE rounds the corner and we discover Orange Lauren is capable off standing up.  Also, we discover that she is wearing formal shorts.  Correction:  LONG SLEEVED formal shorts.  WTF WTF WTF. 

This date: [to the subsequent song stylings of Spinning Wheel in our earmuffs.  “Catch a painted pony on the spinning wheel riiiiiide.”  Oh Mr. Blood Sweat and Tears, if you only knew.]

AriE:  “I was saving this date for you.”
OL:  “Really?  All the other girls are really jealous.”
ArIE:  “Here is Notre Dame.  Isn’t it cool?”
OL: “Wow.”
AriE:  “Isn’t that view beautiful?”
OL:  “Wow.”
AriE:  “That painting is my favorite.”
OL:  “Wow.”

This date is like watching paint dry.  Paint in long BELL-sleeved formal shorts (because this outfit needs to be more horrible) in which said shorts are shorter than said sleeves.   

But AriE is enamored because he thinks Orange Lauren is really really hot (she looks like him, so).  So he goes out on a limb:

AriE:  “I really like you.  I would love for you to like me.”
Her:  “Yeah.”
AriE to the camera:  “We are pretty much missing that easy conversation. And this is scary because we have had all day together and. . . . nothing.”

Somehow, we progress to longer answers at dinner:

AriE (looking around the restaurant):  “This is cute!”
OL:  “This is SO cute.”
AriE:  “And this room is pretty.”
OL:  “It is SO pretty.”
OL again: “Wow.”
AriE:  “There was so much beauty in the city today.”
OL:  “It was amazing.”

So finally, FINALLY, Orange Lauren says its hard for her to open up, and that she has, in fact, friend zoned every single guy she has dated seriously for at least 6 months beforehand.  So then THIS happens:

AriE: “Yeah, I get it.  Like my most serious relationship was with a woman with 2 kids and she was actually pregnant with my child. .. “
Orange Lauren, showing life for the first time:  “WHAT?!?”

And then, after being reassured that AriE does not in fact have a love child (his girlfriend lost the baby, which is very sad) and making some tiny and routine admissions of her own (she was engaged, and also, is guarded.  And worried she won’t open up enough), Orange Lauren gets the rose.  We are confused as AriE said one hot second earlier that if she is not more forthcoming he’s going to let her go, but whatever.  ABC plays a deep game.

“Wow, this is huge! Says Orange Lauren. “The reason I came here was to find the person that I would never have the opportunity to meet.  He is very kind, caring, and makes me feel safe.  I really could fall in love with him!”

We don’t know what to think, upon hearing so many words strung together at once.   Orange Lauren seems sweet enough.  Just. . . meh.

Off we go to date #2, which is the group date with Young B, Other Bekah, The Mother, Sienne, Tia, Twitter, and maybe that’s all?  And it is at the Moulin Rouge. Where the ladies are GOING TO PERFORM. Suitably, Mr. Blood Sweat and Tears is now crooning “Hi-De-Ho.”

Twitter:  “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me!!”
Tia:  “Yeah. . . . Their outfits are thongs.  So. .  yeah.”

AriE: “this date is really for the women.”

Oh, right, because “women” really like to Crack Open The Back Door With a Bedazzled Piece of Rope. 

So Cory St. James from Waiting for Guffman warms the women up and teaches choreography, and soon we are discovering that Sienne used to be a dancer and Tia from Arkansas cannot dance. Like, at all. 
Tia (frowning):  “I feel buck ass naked.”
Twitter (smiling):  “I feel buck ass naked!!!”

But then shit gets real because whomever gets the rose at the cocktail party after the women learn some dance moves . . . gets to go on stage with AriE afterwards!!!

 Young B gets the rose.  We like to think that this is because she was pretty open about the fact that she is feeling new emotions she is not accustomed to around him (jealousy), but it is likely because she was a fabulous ham when doing her dance audition before the cocktail party.   AriE throws us a bone:  “I could feel myself falling in love with Young B.”

Blahdy blah other 1:1 times are not interesting.  Sienne speaks some French. Tia reiterates that she is falling.  The Mother reminds everyone she is A Mother.  And then they all go to the theater, where all of the other women suck on their teeth as Young B has a blast on stage with ArIE at the Moulin Rouge.

While this is happening, the next date card has come, revealing that of the remaining women back on the PleasureLiner (Jacqueline, Kendall, and Coach Krystal), the terrible 2:1 date will be between Kendall and Coach Krystal.

We are just going to put this into the universe:  Kendall is one of the most careful, kind people that has ever been on this show notwithstanding her love of dead animals.  As Coach Krystal delights that “Kendall just sh*t her pants,” Krystal sits stonily, later saying to the camera:  “Well, I hope Ari comes to terms with some of the doubts he has with Krystal on this date.”  

Coach Krystal:  “Baby, I am wife material.  FUN wife material.”  And we are horrified because now the date is happening and Coach Krystal’s version of wife material is high waisted white linen pants with a periwinkle velour string tank top. 

This is like a Socialite of A Certain Age Goes to the Club For Dinner outfit.  All she needs is a sweater tied across her shoulders.   

AriE has dropped Coach Krystal in the middle of the French countryside, in a chateau built in the 1600s.  Where he thinks it’s a good idea to do a hedgerow maze. 

Babies, this author once got lost in a corn maze for hours.  Hours and hours and we could not find the pig in the middle or any of the clues and we had to have the farmer’s son help get us out and we are ashamed.  So we feel for Kendall as Coach Krystal immediately finds AriEphweeeee and Kendall is like halfway across the maze staring at a wall of hedge like “you have no Power over me!!” 

Fittingly, Mr. BS&T has gifted unto us “Lucretia McEvil” thorugh our little earmuffs as AriE begins 1:1 time with Coach Krystal.  Could there be hope?  Lo, For AriE Tells All of Us:  “if I see the same side of her that I saw in Ft. Lauderdale, it will make my decision pretty easy b/c I can’t be with someone with that.”

OOOO.

But it is really in this very moment that we hate Coach Krystal.  First, she butters AriE up:  Oh, she should have come to him last week.  She will never do that again.  And also, “I just want you to KNOWpfweweee. That.  When you gave MEphweee.  That Rose.  In Ft. LauderDALEPHWEEE.  You Took a big chanCE.  And I see THATphwweee.  And it makes.  It likephweee. ..  just.. . . You earned my trustphweee.” [Cue the Doe Eyes, followed by the Passionate Kisses].

And then, after she has secured the “I’m so happy I’m here with you” from ArIE, Coach Krystal begins her Take Down:  “I’m happy that I’m here with you toophweee.  But, um, I wonder why Kendall is here with mephweee?  Because. . . um, I don’t think she’s ever been in LOVE and . . .  I don’t think she is actually in a positionphweeee.  To be open.  To LOVEphweee.”  And you’ve been very clear about how you want to find a wife, so  . . . “

We hate her (All of Us).  Especially when Kendall asks her, in a very friendly way, how her time went and she’s all:

CK to Kendall: “good.”
CK to the cameras:  “I’m 90% sure Kendall is going home.”

OF COURSE AriE tells Kendall what Coach Krystal said, and Kendall (TEAM KENDALL) does not even blink.  She explains that it’s not a question of being “ready” or “not ready” at some abstract point, but rather finding the person that you can actually see marriage with.  

Kendall (in a very level way) to All Of Us, The Now Adoring Fans:  “It was pretty cruel what Coach Krystal said about me to AriE.  She has a pattern of saying cruel things when she’s backed into a corner and she tries to win.  It’s about winning for Crystal.”

But then Kendall does this thing.  She goes to Coach Krystal, who has been unrelentingly terrible to and about her, and she shows compassion:

Kendall:  “You told AriE I’m not ready for marriage.  In what way do you think I am not ready?”
Coach Krystal:  “Um. . . I don’t know.”
Kendall: “You DON’T know.  And that’s what made it so hurtful to me.”

And as Coach Krystal keeps trying to be snide and turn the tables, Kendall keeps figuratively taking her hands:  “You know, I dated someone like you.” She says.  “He said hurtful things in the face of conflict.  And hurtful doesn’t mean you win.  It just means you hurt someone.  I empathize with you.  You have been through more pain that I can even understand.  But you keep trying to control everything.  And I wish you wouldn’t.  Because for me, the most beautiful moments are the awkward ugly ones, where I have been completely honest.” 

Gentle Readers, remember this face: 

 Team Kendall Forever. 

Coach Krystal, upright and brittle, responds: “I don’t really have words.”

The awkward dance continues at dinner as Coach Krystal and Kendall wait for AriE:

Coach Krystal: “I want to talk about our discussion earlier.  I felt that. . . it was apparent that we don’t know each other.  We actually have a lot of similar beliefs.” 
Kendall : “Yeah, that may be true but we present them in a completely different way.”
Coach Krystal:  “You were patronizing and I don’t want advice from you about how to live my life.”
Kendall: “It’s going to be the last night with AriE for one of us. So I’d prefer to focus on our individual relationships with AriE, rather than each other’s relationships with him.”

Kendall to the camera: “Well, Coach Krystal tried to hurt me today, but I’m focused on AriE.”

We temporarily interrupt this torture for Young B, who is back with the other women Awaiting the Results of This Date:  “I don’t’ know what I think is going to happen tonight.   A lot of women say they will be shocked if Kristal comes home, but I don’t know how shocked I would be.  No one thought that Trump would win the election either and LOOKIE HERE WE ARE.”

HAHAHAHAHA.   This Author is going to have buttons made. 

Aaaaand, after some long speech this author was not really listening to, ARIE GIVES THE ROSE TO KENDALL.  The camera cuts to the women back at the Pleasureliner, popping open champagne as Coach Krystal’s luggage is wheeled away.

Coach Krystal says “THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT.  I AM FLOORED.” And then tears up about how she puts a brave face on but needs love.  We are unmoved.

Kendall and AriE end this date kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower.

Last up, we have date #4 with Jacqueline.  We really love Jacqueline, who has some snap.  We even forgive her the Troutfit of Episode 5 when she says the following:  “I feel like when I got the date card, it was like I was given a pony for Christmas. But it’s also like if you don’t learn to ride this pony correctly by the end of the date, it will be shot.”  AHHHAHAHA.

And then we begin to really love Jacqueline when AriE tries to have a Pretty Woman date with her and she’s like “I don’t know anything about fashion.  I don’t know how to shop for myself.”

So here is the irritating thing about this date.  Basically, Jacqueline is awesome.  But AriE is worried that she is TOO INTELLIGENT for him.  And she is worried that she is “just an experience” for him.  But mainly he’s worried about her intelligence.  Because, you see, she is GOING to get a PHD, no question, and that is 6 years in her field, and it is happening so he needs to know.

Babies, we feel the rage.  Dear Jacqueline, the person you end up with should say that he is super proud of your intelligence and that it is an ASSET, even if it is more than his own intelligence.  

 After a fake-out from ABC where Jacqueline cries to the camera about not being ready to go home, AriE claims that he “feels really deeply” for Jacqueline and gives her the rose. They randomly stand on a staircase and passionately kiss, because that is completely what happens in real life.

And then it is another day, another rose ceremony. In some kind of very creepy place with old dolls and mannequins.  Joining Young B, Kendall, Orange Lauren, and Jacqueline with roses, we get:

1. Tia

2. Sienne

3.  Other Bekah

So going home are:  Twitter and Mother.  Twitter sobs particularly loudly.  But the more interesting thing is that as ArIE toasts to the coming week in Tuscany with the remaining 7 women, Orange Lauren has no expression on her face.  Not even a smile.  But we feel bad for her, as she furtively whispers to the camera afterwards: “I am starting to get pissed off by the smallest things.  I should be thrilled at what we are doing, but I am getting really freaked. And consequently am clamming up.”

There is no question that this is not exactly A Wonderful Way To Find Love for Orange Lauren.

Stay tuned for next week, when it looks like things go off the rails still further.  In the meantime, this Tiny Author got home at 4 am and so we are going to take a  nap. 

- KLo

AriE Part 5: Troutfit.

Babies, it has taken us three tries.  THREE TRIES to get through the Bachelor this week, which proved insurmountable notwithstanding A Hot Toddy At One Point and also, Yoga At Another. It was only this morning, when we resolved to cook Further Emergency Beans and then accidentally made Possibly Three Pounds of them, that we concluded our day is enough of a hot mess that It Is Time. 

So here we are in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  We remain confused as to why this is an around the world trip that, thus far, has gone to two places Not Anywhere Else In the World but Whatever.  We are further confused as to why AriE has a wing tattooed on his Bingo Area.  Will he lift us up, with sweaty angel wings?

While we contemplate these issues, we see the women riding rental bikes, going to their penthouse for the week, and generally lounging around in some very confusing off the shoulder tube tops with puff sleeves, a/k/a landing strips for pit sweat. 

We soon discover that The Mother has gotten the first date.  She is apparently excited to introduce AriE to “Chelsea, not just The Mother.” We are excited because she is wearing the lampshade from This Author’s childhood room, complete with tassles:

 So AriE takes the Mother on a boat.  Like, a FANCY boat, for their date.  Conveniently, this boat is near a pier with a spy glass so that all of the women can see that AriE in fact has some manner of tattoo that covers the entire right side of his body and also, we can all watch AriE and The Mother stand at the front of said boat.

“They are Titanicking!!” says someone.

This is not a relationship goal.

The Mother says “I’m on a dream boat . . . WITH a dream boat” and we all scream until we realize that she knows it is a terrible joke and we actually like her a little WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US.

After some further and highly dangerous Backwards Kissing On a Jetski, AriE takes The Mother to a dinner and this is when we realize that The Mother is really not so terrible after all.   In stark contrast to Coach Krystal, The Mother thoughtfully explains her life circumstances:  She did not grow up with much, and when she met her ex, who was older and more successful than her, she believes he saw someone he could mold into what he wanted.  And she, at 20, didn’t know really who she was.  So they were together for 7 years, and had her son, and then he left her when said son was 6 months old for another woman.  And left her with her belongings in trash bags.  SO even though at this very moment she has less in life than she probably has ever had, she has her son and therefore, has everything.

And we love her.  Godammit ABC.

She gets the rose. 

And off we go to date #2 with Maquillage (who came back after her grandfather’s funeral), Coach Krystal, Young B, Twitter, Other Becca, Sienne, Kendall, Ashley the POC they never let talk, Marikh, Jacqueline, and Orange Lauren:  “There’s not a moment to spare.”  That’s right:  we are going bowling because to hear AriE explain it, “In Arizona, if you want to have fun, you go bowling.”  

Really grandpa?   

Then this happens:

We have questions.

The scene at the bowling alley is basically like a bunch of baby ballerinas at a buffet:
Some woman:  “OMG, I’m so excited to eat these wings with you!”
Coach Krystal:  “Yeah, I’m SO about it!!”

As both of them pick at the celery.

This band of hungry stick insects soon divide themselves into two groups:  The “Pin Ups” and the “Spare Roses,” and Twitter does some kind of screechy cheer with unnatural body twerks and we start to think that she is like that infant, Courtney Stodden, who married the old dude from Lost. 

We are on whatever team Young B is on because she is the only one who doesn’t feel a need to tie up her bowling shirt like she’s in a country music video.

So this date is further exhausting, for All Of Us, because Coach Krystal does not stop.  First, she informs us all that she is “not fighting for his attentionphfweeeee” and also, that “AriE needs to step up and prove himself” to her. Because ???  And then, her team wins.  Which is a disaster because .. . . the losing team was supposed to go home instead of progressing to the “after party,” but AriE, like a grown up, decides to keep them and expand the time. 

Coach Krystal Loses All Of Her Shits:  “WHAT? Why did you change your mind?  My whole thing is that I was not going to fight for his attention. Fine.  I’m done.”

It is not immediately clear to This Author why inviting a few additional women to an after party and then expanding the length of it is a big deal, but apparently Coach Krystal takes the entire ride back home in the limo to trash AriE as a “liar,” impugn his character, and also, the fact that he “went back on his word.”  

Upon arriving home, she then changes into a bathrobe because um, “AriE did not take us into consideration” by inviting other women to the party, and so therefore she is going to refuse to go to the after party.  Oh, and he was “disrespectful” to her team because he set an “intention” of it being a competition and then decided it was just bowling.

We are exhausted.

The other women try to rationalize with Coach Krystal, who declares that “all my stuff is packed,” and we further realize that AriE has actually kept a bunch of reasonable, adult women and we are surprised by him.   Kendall, The Dark Horse Whom We Appreciate:  “I get that you are upset and I don’t have an issue with that.  I have an issue with the cruelty that you exposed on the ride home.  Kindness is very important to me, and I don’t think you exhibited kindness.”

Team Kendall.   Also, Team Young B, who perfectly mimics Coach Krystal’s temper tantrum and we love her forever.

So this date continues at the afterparty, which AriE awesomely starts by saying, “So it looks like we are all here!” until Twitter, in a clear tactical error, points out that Coach Krystal is not, in fact, Among Them.

So AriE plays into Coach Krystal’s evil plan by going to check on her in her room, during which the following occurs:

Him: What’s up?
Her [in a cushy off-the-shoulder robe with sexy rumpled hair]: ‘I’m just hangingphfweeee”
Him:  “Give me a hug.” REALLY? [INSERT LONG HUG]
Him: “what’s going on?”
Her:  “I just felt . . . Like, I don’t feel ok.  I feel disrespectedphfweeee because you said one thing and changed your mindphfweeee.
Him:  “Um, it’s just bowling.”
Her:  “But it wasn’t just that and you know it.  I felt passionate, and very hurt, and I said things out of hurt.  I mean, I have been so open and vulnerable AND deep AND raw with you and I don’t anything about you and I want to, like, have you let me in.”

[INSERT VOMITS BY THIS AUTHOR].

Him: “Well, if you had chosen to go to the after party, you could have learned more about me.  Are you trying to teach me a lesson?   Also, I think you should stay down here, and know that I am not happy about it.  See you in a few days. “

And he tells her to have a good night and walks away.  YEAH ARIE.  We think that every bachelor on this show should be 36 years old from this point forward.

AriE returns upstairs to the after party, where in various 1:1 times Kendall endears ourselves to us more by being articulate about her life and also, AriE tries to sabotage things with Young B by asking her, again, if she “has any doubts” given her age.

Young B:  “Would you stop bringing that up?!?"
AriE:  “I know, but I’m worried I’m going to fall for you.”
Young B:  “Can you seriously fall for someone without those fears naturally being present?”

Young B, wise beyond her years, is most certainly going to get the axe at some point because AriE cannot get past said years. In the meantime, we join her in prayer with the other women:  “Dear God, amidst this chaos, may Krystal find the peace she thinks she has. May she have the confidence she believes she has gained.  And may she have the friends and support that she so ridiculously believed she had in us before today.” 

Aaaaaaaand Coach Krystal shows up, in ruffles and flowers to “take a second to say something” about how her “feelings were really hurt today.” And inform all the other women that “AriE and I had an intense conversation and said a lot of things that need to be said.”

Young B, Future Lawyer: “Coach Krystal, you said that you weren’t coming but yet here you are. Does that make YOU a liar?  Does that make YOU someone who goes back on your word? Please explain.
Coach Krystal:  “I felt hurt that . . . “
FUTURE LAWYER LIKE A BOSS:  “No, you are avoiding my question.  Is he a liar or is it okay for him to change his mind?  Please answer the question.”
Coach Krystal, in a tiny voice: “It was ok for him to change his mind.”

Orange Lauren, for all of us, is like “I cannot even” and just leaves.

How lucky for Orange Lauren, who stumbles into AriE, who then plays 21 questions with her.  Favorite colors?  Blue (him) and burgundy (her).  Coffee no milk (her) and cream and sugar (him).  Oooo, and what is she scared of in all this?  Falling for him and him choosing someone else.  His fear?  Choosing someone that is not right for him.

Orange Lauren gets the rose on this date.

Last up, we get a 1:1 date with Tia in the Everglades.  “This is a country date for a country girl,” he says.  Which of course, involves taking one of those swamp boats for a ride. 

As the couple see an alligator, AriE says seeing said alligator “reminds me that love can be scary, and an adventure.”

For frack’s sake, this show is not dissimilar to being a T.A. for first year English class:

“Skipping rope confirmed for me that life is full of little moments.”
“Being in the car with him reminded me that relaxation can happen anywhere.”
“Handling live snakes gave me the confidence to know I could be alone.”

We just cannot even.

So we love Tia, we really do.  Particularly for the grace that she shows when AriE’s vision of a perfect date is showing up an “Daryl’s house” in the middle of the swamp.  Daryl is about 100 years old, built his house in 10 years with his own hands, loves to go frogging, and cooked them all some deep fried corn on the cob.  Daryl is too good for this show, and we hate ABC for putting him on it.

Conversely, we love Tia for the following:

AriE:  “So . . . tell me about frogging.”
Tia:  “ I don’t want to be stereotypical, but we totally frog at home.  You’ll just be driving down the road and see a ditch with some frogs, and you take this thing [proceeds to expertly describe frogging.]”

Our love continues until we see Tia at dinner in this:

This dress is like that creepy duvet cover at the nautically-themed seaside rental one found on Airbnb.

But then, said duvet cover is all “You think I’m bad, HOLD MY BEER.”  And we see this:

FISHING NET.  THE CHAFING.

But Tia, endearingly, says that she is falling in love with AriE and also, that she spent 7 years in college to walk out with a doctorate in physical therapy and she is not messing around.  Babies, she does NOT see  herself staying in Arkansas her whole life.

We worry about Tia as AriE confesses that he only developed some retrospective thought about his romantic life when he was at his brother’s wedding (which happened a hot second ago) and he was like “what am I DOING?”  And while we appreciate that and respect it, Tia appears to be further along in Tolerating No Shits In Her Life.

Except then she says she is falling in love with him, and also, because he makes her feel like she “deserves” something good and we take it all back.  It’s got to come from within, child.

She gets the rose and he kisses her up against a pole beside a “Live Bait” sign because Romance.

At last, it is the rose ceremony and Ashley the POC They Never Let Talk is talking.  Rationally.  About how Coach Krystal needs to just go the F. home.

But she doesn’t.  Instead, Coach Krystal is putting a new spin on old news:  “Yesterday I wasn’t hiding in my room.  I was INVESTING in myself.  And GROWING from the struggle that happened and the challenge.”

HAHAHHA, we are going to tell that to our niecelets when their parents send them to their rooms.

As Coach Krystal continues to talk about how close she grew with AriE this week, Because Of The Adversity Facing Them, The Mother and Young B are like:

But then HOLY JESUS it happens.  Someone else is wearing a bedspread AND one of those little throw pillow doohickies:

So Our Spirit Animal, a young lady we shall call CCa, is occasionally dismissive of her father (our friend's) fashion choices.   Lo, for BCa has been known to feature such sartorial gems as an all grey ensemble (the "groutfit," per CCa) and also, a particularly stunning head to toe blue number, which CCa describes as the "bloutfit."  

We are not exactly sure what is going on here.  Bloutfit?  Troutfit?  Either way, it needs to stop. 

And oh  hot damn, it needs to stop on Jacqueline, whom we later discover is the Dooms Day Messenger of this World Of No: 

She looks like a 12 year old playing dress up. 

At any rate, the highlights of the evening are as follows:

A.  Kendall asks AriE the following question:  “If you were visiting a tribe that ate deceased humans, would you try the meat?” 

So our friend MBe refused to eat pork (this is a true story) because her father, who pretty old when she was born and also this was England so it is completely possible, told her that when he was a small child, a man from a cannibalistic tribe came to visit his classroom and explained to all the children that it was  just like eating pork. 

So ANYWAY, AriE says not unless forced.  Kendall, on the other hand, would do it because she is curious.

B.   Coach Krystal is all upset to hear the other women talking about her and therefore volunteers to have 1:1 time with each of them to get to know each other better, during which she manages to get super upset and feel victimized in response to some deeply normal and rational questions.  I.e. “Kendall, when you say that you’re not sure AriE is right for me because I have displayed some extremely negative reactions to him, YOU ARE CRITIQUING AND ATTACKING ME AND THAT IS NOT OK.”

Coach Krystal to the camera:  “I tried to have a conversation and have some compassion, but like the girls ATTACKED ME and I’m just so over it.  A lot of the girls don’t operate at my level and I’m done with lowering myself.” And then she fake throws glitter. 

Great now Coach Krystal is a drag queen.

But in 1:1 time with AriE Coach Krystal lays it on thick and we cannot stop laughing because:

A.  Now she behaved the way she did (which was “out of character”) because it is hard to see AriE with other women.  AND (wait for it)

B.  Because she was TRIGGERED by Bowling Gate.  Gentle readers, Coach Krystal’s mother worked in a bowling alley and so Coach Krystal basically grew up in one.  And also, Coach Krystal’s mother dated all of these men who would make promises and never hold them up.”   So bowling + men who go “back on their word” = free pass.

AriE, mercifully, is not distracted by Surely The Most Absurd Excuse Ever Given on the Bachelor.  As Coach Krystal says “it was our first fightphfffweee!!” AriE says “yeah, and it could be our last.” 

But Coach Krystal is optimistic that she will get a ose because she has shown AriE “who I am:  Fun! Passionate! Sad! Emotional! Excited! Futuristic!  I showed him, like, so many shades of who I am that if he doesn’t like it, I will be hurt.”

OMG.

In any event, joining Orange Lauren, Tia and Mother with roses, ARiE ultimately picks;  

1. Young B

2. Sienne.  WUP WUP.  YEAH.

3. Kendall.

4. Other Becca.

5. Jacqueline, remaining lost in her duvet and big hari.  

6. Twitter.

7. Aaaaaaand [said with obvious reluctance] “Coach Krystal.”

WTF.   We are sad to see Marikh, Maquillage, and Ashley the POC They Never Let Talk leave and Coach Krystal stay.  But as Marikh notes, “I think Coach Krystal is feeding him lies, but it will eventually out.” 

Coach Krystal, on the other hand, leaves us with these self-congratulatory tidbits:

1. “It took so much courage for me to come here tonight, and I’m so glad that I did.  I mean, if the girls thought I was a threat before. . . watch out ladies!!”
2. “Baby, I am wife material.”

Excuse this author while she goes to boil some bunnies.

Also, there is some slim chance that this author will actually be able to blog earlier next week because we are visiting Les Parents En Vacances in Palm Springs and what could possibly go wrong.

-KLo